"Bunnies & Hearts"

Saturday, April 13, 1991

     Last night after supper we went to the Baby Furniture Plus Store on Newtown Rd.  That's where Carole took me one day to look around.  Guy had persuaded me the other night to include bunnies in the baby's room so we decided to do bunnies plus hearts.  We saw a crib set in Sears' catalog with both in pink & blue together, hearts and bunnies.  The whole set cost $85.  They had the same thing at the store and the whole set for it was $77 / $8 difference.  I was kind of hesitant about it but Guy insisted so we decided to get that.  We looked all through the store at everything and at the back we found two cribs that were just under $100 each.  They weren't anything fancy and both were in dark wood.  But the end panels weren't real wood.  One had clear teething rails on the sides.  The other had white ones on the sides and ends.  We asked the lady if either one came in white.  She checked and said both did.  The one with the white rails, she already had a white one on order & said it would be in in 4 wks.  The other one she would have to place an order for a white one & it would take about 6 wks. to come in.  We decided on the one that was on the way.  We also picked out a firm foam mattress for $40.  All together with tax it came to $216.83.  We paid $50 down to put it on layaway.  The lady was really surprised when we said the baby's due in a week.  She asked if we had a cradle or something to use til the crib came & we said we're borrowing a bassinet.  I just noticed she put on the receipt "needs ASAP."

"...he thinks there's a slight chance of it being cancer."

Friday, April 12, 1991

     I didn't get a nap yesterday til after Guy came home and took Chief for a walk.  I just dozed on the couch but it seemed to help.  And it's really weird but I slept pretty good last night.  I remember waking up once & looking at the clock but I don't remember what time it was.  I didn't get up to go to the bathroom.  I think I just popped my fingers or something & went back to sleep.  I don't remember hearing Guy's alarm or him in the bathroom but I woke up sometime while he was downstairs and went to the bathroom.  Then I was thirsty & called down for him to bring me some milk.  I had some Cheerios too.  Then I read after he left.  It was about 6:45 before I got sleepy but then I didn't wake up til 9:45.  So I guess I got plenty of rest last night.  I feel pretty good but it is a little hard breathing sometimes.  The weather's cooler again so that should help some.

     Yesterday Guy went for another checkup for that knot in his arm.  The medicine they gave him last month didn't seem to make any difference.  They did a couple of X-rays but nothing showed up.  So they said it's a fatty deposit that's hardened and there's nothing to be done about it.  He had told them that sometimes his whole arm aches & they said if it keeps bothering him they could send him to orthopedics for them to check his joints.  He doesn't think it's that and he thinks there's a slight chance of it being cancer.  I think it would've shown up on the X-rays if it was that.  Maybe it is a hardened fatty deposit and with its location it's pressing on a nerve or tendon or something.  I guess it'll have to get a lot worse before they'll do anything else about it.

     I called Ann Prescott yesterday and told her I'll be induced on the 19th if I don't go in before that.  That's the day of the next Expectant Arms meeting.

     Seems like every afternoon I get a lot of BH's but they're not getting any more regular or stronger.

"...he wants to induce me on the 19th"

Thursday, April 11, 1991

     Sunday night at bedtime the baby decided to launch a vicious attack on me.  Besides kicking me way over on the right side, sometimes it felt like she was kicking up underneath my ribs.  That really hurt! Guy went on to sleep but I was up til about 1:00 trying to get her to stop.  I rubbed, scratched, & pushed around my tummy.  I walked around, I sat on the bed & rocked back & forth and side to side, I tried getting on my hands & knees and leaning down like that.  Nothing seemed to help.  I guess she just eventually got tired & went back to sleep.

     I had to get up early Mon. for my appt. to interview a second pediatrician at 9:15.  Needless to say, it was hard to get up at 7:00.  I found the place without any problem.  It's just down from the credit union.  There was only a man with a little boy there & he was trying to make an appt. for the same day.  They said he'd have to come back later.  I started to wonder when the nurses started coming in and they were all black.  I got up to stretch my legs & look around.  There were some shelves with books & magazines and on top was a sort of collage with pictures of his patients.  The majority of them were black, then I spotted a picture at the bottom that had the dr. listening to a toddler with a stethoscope.  And yes he was black.  I don't like to think of myself as a prejudiced person but I did start feeling uncomfortable.  There was no way I could just get up & walk out and I didn't really want to do that.  I figured I might as well talk to him and see how he was.  Well, he was very nice.  It's just him & one other dr., which I like better than there being 5 or 6.  He did his residency at CHKD, & he said in two or three months they were going to be moving to a new location, near Fairfield Shopping Center. That would be even closer but still not as close as the other drs.  He answered all of my questions well and it was easy to talk to him.  So I left there undecided between the two.  After talking it over with Guy & thinking about it some more, we decided to go with the group that's over here on Greenwich cause it is so close.  They'd said to just call the office once we have the baby & one of them will come check on the baby the day after delivery and the day we check out.  Then we go in for a 2-wk. checkup and start the shots at 2 mo. I think.

     Mon. night I called Beckey Kinder to see if she knew if Dr. Lazarus was back yet.  She saw her last Thu.  Beckey isn't doing too well.  She's got osteoporosis and arthritis in her back, her legs are starting to give out on her, and she'll probably have to have her gall bladder removed soon.  But she's still got high spirits.  She said to let her know when the baby comes and they'll come see us at the hospital.  I'm so glad I'm not as bad off as she is and I feel sorry for her except that she has such a good attitude & doesn't feel sorry for herself.

     Guy had Tues. aft. off to go with me to see Dr. Lazarus.  She lost some weight & she's limping cause she broke her foot over there (the cast is already off).  She seemed to think I was doing well under the circumstances.  She did have them do my blood gasses though.  It was rough for some reason this time.  Anyway, the numbers were mostly up this time except the CO2 which means that even though I'm getting enough oxygen, I'm having to work harder to get it.  I knew ever since this past weekend it's been getting harder to breathe.  I think it's because the weather turned hot over the weekend and there's so much pollen and we had the windows open all day.  Anyway, we turned the AC on Mon. morning & that helped some but I would still wake up hot at night & not able to breathe.  We brought the fan in the bedroom & used it at night.  But I was still waking up hot in the middle of the night.  I'd been wearing just a t-shirt to sleep in but even that felt so restricting.  So last night I got Guy to move some boxes around & find me a summer nightgown.  I was a lot more comfortable & was able to get to sleep fine but I woke up a little before 1:00 needing to go to the bathroom.  I couldn't get back to sleep and about 40 minutes later I started feeling kind of nauseous and my heart started pounding and I got short of breath and started feeling faint.  I woke Guy up & he helped me try getting in different positions til I finally started feeling better.  When I felt faint I hung my head over the edge of the bed.  Then when it felt like there was too much blood rushing to my head I laid down flat.  Once I finally started feeling normal again Guy got me comfortable, propped up a little bit and I finally got back to sleep.  I think the whole thing lasted a little over an hour from when I first woke up.  

     I think I slept ok after that and was surprised that I was able to get up & eat breakfast with Guy.  I've felt fairly decent today - haven't had as much trouble breathing - at least so far.  It's cooler today too. 

     Now I need to backtrack and tell about yesterday.  I had a non-stress test at 1:30 then saw Dr. Rand.  The test was fine.  The exam didn't hurt as bad this time cause I tried taking a deep breath first then focusing on the ceiling and doing the slow breathing.  He said I'm a full 2 cm and slightly effaced. He said he was kind of mean with the exam to see if he could get something started.  I had a BH for just a few seconds after I sat up, kind of strong so I thought maybe he had started something.  But I didn't have any more til from between 5:00-6:00 & they weren't as strong and were from 10-35 min. apart.  I had 2-3 during Lamaze class.

     I lost 1&1/2 lbs. from last week -  not good news.  He said with that and the fact that I was having such a hard time breathing, I need to have the baby soon.  He said if I don't go sooner, he wants to induce me on the 19th, a week from Friday.  I told him I'd heard that labor can be a lot harder when induced.  He said there's no way to know that because you don't know how hard your labor would or wouldn't be without induction.  So, if nothing happens between now & then, I've only got 8 days to go.  It helps to have a definite date to look toward instead of having no idea.  I would kind of rather go in before then though cause I'm just so ready to get this over with.  I've got my bags packed (since Sun.) except for the last minute things.  We still need to finish rearranging the front bedroom.  But at least the crib is set up and her dresser is cleared out.  Dianna Landon is supposed to loan us her bassinet though to use in our room for the first few weeks.

     Sue is going to come from the 25th to the 30th so that'll be nice.  I still can't believe she's coming to help with the baby, even if it's only five days.

     I saw Marian after Dr. Rand yesterday.  She told me to have a milkshake every day and a cups worth of a combination of peanuts, raisins, & M&Ms.  We stopped at McDonald's after class for a milkshake last night & I was able to get most of it down by bedtime.  I've been working on M&Ms this afternoon.  Yesterday was Marian's last day to work so she gave me an appt. with a new nutritionist named Christie next week.  Marian's due Sun. I think.

     I went over the phone list again this morning and re-did it on the WP so it's be neater.  I hope I haven't forgotten anyone.

     Last night was our last Lamaze class.  Janice was gone to a convention so Susan had it.  She didn't do too bad.  She went over some post-natal stuff and then reviewed everything we've learned.  She said we were supposed to get diplomas but they haven't come in on time.  One of the packages of magazines & 'stuff' we'd gotten in class had a coupon from Sears where you got 50% off a car seat if you bought a crib so we decided to use it & then discovered it had expired 12/31/90.  I asked Susan if they had a package dated for 91 & she said she didn't think so but she'd make a note to ask Janice.  She also said we'd be getting a lot of stuff while we were at the hospital.  So maybe we'll get a new one of that coupon or something better.

     I think I'll try to take a nap before Guy gets home. 

"I started crying & just told him I didn't think I could do it"

Sunday, April 7, 1991

     The baby's been moving around just as much as ever since I was worried about her on Friday night.

     But I sure got into a mood yesterday afternoon.  I don't know what started it all but I just got to thinking about how hard it is to have a baby and to take care of it once it gets here and that there's no way I'm going to be able to do it.  I started thinking that I just don't want to be pregnant any more and that since there's no turning back now, it's a hopeless situation.  I know I don't get enough sleep now & that it'll be the same once the baby comes.  I don't know how to get more sleep.  Before, I was sleeping about four hours at first, then waking up & sometimes going right back to sleep, sometimes taking 1-1&1/2 hrs. to get back to sleep, & sometimes just tossing & turning the rest of the night.  I've been getting up & eating breakfast with Guy, then going back to bed, sometimes having to read for up to an hour.  But lately it seems like I can't sleep any longer than 2 hrs.  I'm not sure why I wake up every time cause it's not always because of needing to go to the bathroom.  But when I go back to bed I just lay there thinking about everything and tossing and turning.  Sometimes I'll fall asleep for a little bit at a time & keep waking up, maybe getting another hour or so sleep, making a grand total of 3 hrs. per night.  I almost always go back to sleep after Guy leaves.  A few times I've had to read & it's been after 7:00 before I fell asleep again.  Then I usually wake up around 9:00, give or take 30 min.  I try to take a nap in the afternoon but I can't always fall asleep then either.  Sometimes I feel better if I've just laid down & relaxed & kind of drifted in & out.  Guy says he doesn't see how I do it, getting by on as little sleep as I do.  I tell him I don't know either.

     Anyway, Guy had mowed the yards cause we finally got the mower back from Sears.  He got the crib out of the storage shed to clean and decided he needed to clean out the whole shed.  (Made me think he had the nesting instinct.)  I had worked some in the front bedroom but felt like I'd done all I could manage by myself.  I just tried to relax on the couch & watch TV.  I did go out & watch Guy cleaning the shed for a little while.  Oh, I'd had a headache when I woke up during the night Friday & had taken some Tylenol.  It had gone away but started coming back after I was outside for awhile.  I took some more Tylenol while I was eating.  Guy took time out to come make sandwiches.  It was just before he came in that I started getting in that mood.  He could tell something was wrong but when he'd ask I'd say I didn't know.  Finally, he turned the sound off on the TV and said he wanted to know what was going on.  I started crying & just told him I didn't think I could do it - that having a baby was too hard and that I wouldn't have the energy to keep up with the baby.  He said I'm stronger than I think I am and I would be able to do it & I said no I'm not.  I forget what all else we said except that he asked if I thought it was a mistake to get pregnant & I said I didn't know and that it made me feel worse to feel like I don't want to have a baby when it's something we've wanted and tried for for so long.  He said everyone probably has their doubts at some point but that everyone makes it ok and we would too.  But that what he didn't understand was why I thought he wasn't going to help me in labor & delivery.  I didn't say it then but I'd said it before that I wasn't sure that he was going to be able to help me.  At the point I'd said that, was right after we started Lamaze classes and he didn't seem to be taking it seriously, and he'd make remarks about it whenever anyone asked about it.  Then he said it was because the girl who was the assistant instructor had taught the class & it wasn't too interesting as when Janice was teaching.  I agreed that she wasn't as good but felt like it was still important to pay attention to her.  I think we had another discussion along the same lines another time & I told him we weren't going to manage very well because we weren't practicing the breathing.  I think we did it that night & he told me to practice some on my own but it's too hard to keep my eye on a focal point & my watch at the same time.  He's always saying we'll practice more but we never do more than one or two nights in a row.  I know that just like anything else, the more you practice the better & more efficient you get.  I didn't see the sense in going through all this again so I just sat there & cried & he just went back outside acting like he was mad at me.

     I kind of dozed on the couch.  I'd turned the TV off.  But Chief kept whining to go out - he had to wait til the grass was dry cause after Guy cut it he sprayed weed & feed on it.  I finally got up & asked Guy if Chief could come out yet & he said ok.  I went out for a little bit & watched him.  He was cleaning the last part of the crib.  He said there was a lot of paint chipping off & he was thinking about just getting a new one.  That surprised me.  I told him I didn't think we could afford a new one & he said we could cash some more bonds.  I don't like that cause you have to pay taxes on the interest.  But with the baby we'll be able to take another deduction next year & that'll certainly be more than the interest we'll be getting.  We went ahead & set the crib up in the front bedroom.  It wasn't as complicated as I'd thought it would be.  It looks funny having a crib in there.  We still need to move the rest of the furniture around.

     There wasn't much good on TV last night so after Star Trek we finished catching up on tapes.  We'd intended on going to bed early cause of switching to daylight savings time but it was midnight DST by the time we did.  And we did practice breathing last night.

     I only slept about an hour & a half this afternoon.  All during church & after we got home it's like I was short of breath.  At least I was able to get sleep but I think I woke up because I couldn't breathe very well.  After I was up awhile I felt better.  But again in church tonight it was hard to breathe.  (I didn't even attempt to sing today.)  I was having a lot of Braxton-Hicks contractions during church but I got up to walk around at the invitation & they stopped.

     While I was waiting for Guy to fix sandwiches I got this pain on the right side of my stomach & called Guy.  The rest of my tummy wasn't hard though so it must not have been a contraction.  It was kind of along the line where the ligaments run so she was probably pressing on it & stretching it.  

"There's always the possibility of something going wrong at any time, even after delivery."

Sat., April 6, 1991 -  a.m.

     I tried pushing around my tummy last night and the baby moved around some but not a whole lot.  She's been moving around more this morning, about like usual.  But I guess I'm more worried because yesterday Ann asked us if it bothered or scared us to think about what happened with Cathy Rudolph's baby. (Her baby apparently died when she dropped & the cord got compressed.)  I had thought of it before but I guess I'm thinking more of it the closer we get to the end.  There's always the possibility of something going wrong at any time, even after delivery.

     I'd planned to go to the shower Linda Pugh was having for Jeri Adams.  But I just didn't sleep well last night.  We went to bed at 11:00 and I woke up at 1:15 & couldn't go back to sleep.  My head was kind of hurting so when Guy stirred about 2:45 I asked him to get me some Tylenol.  I went back to sleep after 3:00 but kept waking up & my head still hurting.  Finally around 7:00 I got up and took some more Tylenol & while I was up I went to the bathroom.  The flushing apparently woke Chief up cause he started whining.  Guy went to let him out & seemed to be gone a long time.  I heard Chief still whining so I went to see what was wrong.  He had wet in the kitchen floor.  Guy was mopping it up with vinegar water while Chief was still outside.  He said it was a pretty big puddle, all across from the freezer to the sink.  I'm glad we've been keeping the gate on the kitchen door again.  We figured stuff like this would happen after the baby comes but don't understand why it's happening now.  I just hope it doesn't get any worse.  I don't know if I wrote about the morning he got a Ziploc bag out of the kitchen trash & ripped it to shreds.  It had had sandwich meat in it & was probably in the paper sack in front of the trash can.  That same day I left him loose with the dining room blocked while I was at a dr. appt.  When I came home he had taken some Kleenex & candy wrappers out of the living room trash & ripped them up all over the floor.  Another day I discovered he'd been pulling pieces off of the car seat box which is sitting by the stereo.  Guy keeps threatening to make him an outdoor dog but I think that would be like starting all over again.  Yesterday after I got home from the support group he kept wanting in & out.  I finally just left him out there, putting up with his scratching & whining.  Finally he started going away from the door for a few seconds at a time so I got up to watch him.  About the third time he went away he started sniffing around & then peed.  As soon as he was done I opened the door & let him in.  He wanted to play so I played with him for just a little bit before going upstairs.  I left him loose cause he'd gotten comfortable in his chair and didn't find any messes when I came back down.

     I worked in the front bedroom for a little bit, mainly putting the shelf liner in the baby's chest drawers.  I left them all open cause the paper's vinyl & had a smell to it.  After that I took a nap from about 4:00-5:30.  Guy called about 5:45 to say he was on his way home.  I heated up the leftover tuna helper & had the salads done by the time he got home.  After supper we watched tapes & caught up a little.

"...it doesn't seem like she's been moving around..."

Friday, April 5, 1991

     At K-Mart we got lots of stuff for the baby - bibs, diaper wipes, rubber pants, t-shirts, sleepers, and a coming-home outfit.  (Guy had gotten some disposable diapers at the commissary.)  We also got some birth announcements.  I'd wanted to go to Hallmark for those & a baby book but it was getting too late & there were some cute ones there with shiny pink footprints on the front.  I still want to go to Hallmark for the baby book.  I hope we'll have time to do that.  

     I went to the Expectant Arms meeting this morning.  I had to circle around the parking lot about 5 times before finding a place close enough to walk.  Cathy Rudolph wasn't there.  She'd told me they were going to visit her in-laws in Baltimore & do some sight-seeing in DC; this week was spring break for Virginia Beach schools.

     But we had a good meeting. Margaret talked more than I did.  We kind of went into the treatment we got from the drs. with our previous pregnancies.  She'd been to Maternal-Fetal Medicine too.  Ann said that Dr. Levy is the only one there now.  Because they're part of the medical school.  I asked if they'd been fired & she said no, she didn't know why the others left and she heard that Dr. Levy might not be there much longer.  Sounds strange to me.

     I was having a lot of Braxton-Hicks contractions this afternoon so I started timing them.  It was kind of scary when the first two I timed were only about 5 minutes apart.  But they got further & further apart til it was like 50 minutes.  That was just before I took a nap.  I had a few right after I got up but it doesn't seem like she's been moving around since supper like she usually does. 

"...it's good because it means she's strong."

Thu., April 4, 1991

     Mon. the place I hurt from coughing Sun. night was still hurting on the left side.  It's down at the bottom of my ribs just in front of my exact side.  It hurt most when I took a deep breath or coughed & I was trying not to cough so hard cause I didn't want to tear anything.  But Tues. morning while Guy was in the shower it happened.  I didn't think I was coughing very hard but I felt it move when I did.  I was trying to reach my bell and by the time I got hold of it, Guy turned the shower off so he heard it right away.  He helped me hold it while I had to cough then brought me some extra-strength Tylenol to take.  I think I used the heating pad on it for awhile.  I just took it easy all day Tues. and it didn't get any worse or better.

     Since it was on the left side I figured I'd be ok to drive myself to the dr. Wed.  I had the non-stress test at 1:00 & saw Dr. Rand later (drs. are always running late.).  My NST was ok but it was the hunchbacked girl that did it.  My weight was down another pound.  And this was on the scales on Dr. Rand's side.  He said I should try not to lose any more but that the baby is a good size so don't worry about her.  I had lots of questions for him.  He'd said I was 1-2 cm & I think he said the cervix was starting to thin out.  But I forgot to ask about that later.  He said I'd have some spotting from the exam & I have but it hasn't been too bad.  

     He said he doesn't think I'll make it to my due date.  He also said he might consider inducing me so that it would be scheduled so all the drs. I need would be there.  I'm not sure I want to do that so I kind of hope labor starts before he has a chance to induce.  He still thinks it would be best to avoid a C-section if possible.  I asked about rooming in & he said it might be best to do it in the daytime and leave her in the nursery overnight.  I may do that if I'm sure they'll bring her in to nurse overnight & not give her any bottles in the nursery.

     I asked if, considering our past history of infertility, we should worry about using birth control & he said yes.  He recommended an IUD, which I definitely don't want, or depo-provera, which he said is a shot you get every three months.  The name sounds familiar but I need to ask Carole & find out more about it.  I really don't think I could get pregnant again without any help but you never know.

     I asked him about using my tobra & other meds. in the hospital and he said to bring everything with me cause it might take them awhile to get it there.  They're probably not used to having anyone on maternity taking medicine not related to the baby.

     When I asked if he could tell if she'd dropped he said she has some but not completely.  She still moves around a lot & keeps kicking the same spot on the right side.  Guy says it's good because it means she's strong.  That doesn't make it hurt any less.

     I'll have to go over my list again to see what else he said.

Later

     The only other thing he said was to bring copies of my records of my pulmonary treatments during the pregnancy so whoever's there can see what's been going on.

     Marian had called that morning & said for me to call her at home after my appt. & let her know about my weight.  When I did, she wasn't too happy about it.  She asked about how often & how much I've been eating.  Then she recommended that I eat more at my second breakfast and have a milkshake in the afternoons.  I'm supposed to stop by & see her after I see Dr. Rand next week.  If she's there; she's due on the 12th I think.

     Guy had this aft. off cause he has duty tomorrow.  He went to the commissary without me.  He did a good job though.  He said he breezed through cause he didn't have to ask me about stuff.  What took him so long was that they sent him to a line where there was a trainee working.  So he was frustrated from that then got caught in the beginning of the aft. rush.  So he wasn't in a good mood when he got home.  He put away the cold stuff & relaxed a little.  We'd planned on going shopping when he got back but it was almost 5:00 by then.  So he went ahead and fixed supper and we left after the news & weather.

     We went to the Baby Superstore first to get the basket & stand.  They don't sell them anymore.  At first I thought we were talking about two different things (me & the sales lady) cause she said they'd put them on clearance sale from $149.99 to $79.99.  The stands were $25.99.  They had the one left that had been the floor display.  It had a white eyelet cover and there was a wire frame attached that opened up to form a cover like a bassinet.  But I still thought that was too much to pay for it.  We looked at some cradles but they would take up too much space and cost over $100.00.  We looked at a Fisher-Price portable playpen that can be converted to a bassinet.  It was $89.95 and would be good for trips too.  We checked the price at K-Mart later (84.95) but didn't get it yet.  

     At the Baby Superstore we got one of those "pillows" that fit around their head in the car seat to keep it from flopping sideways, and a changing pad that has a stuffed edge all around to keep them from rolling off.  Both in pink terrycloth-like fabric.