Mom and Dad's 10th Anniversary

Thu., December 27, 1990

     Today's the last day of Guy's xmas leave.  It started a week ago today.  I thought I'd have time to write in my journal more while he's here to keep Chief occupied and take care of the cooking & cleaning.  It just hasn't worked out that way though. (I'm supposed to be napping now.)
     Thursday (12/20) I had an appt. with Dr. Baker, the one who's taking Dr. Lazarus' place.  Nothing new to report with him, except he suggested I take Maalox instead of Tums for the heartburn because Tums has calcium in it & he didn't want me to have too much.  I checked the bottle & it said one tablet has 20% of your daily calcium requirement.  Maalox doesn't have any.
     I was so tired by the time we got home I completely forgot about Luana Carter's baby shower til I woke up in the middle of the night.  She had a little girl on Dec. 1.  We went shopping Sat. & got her an outfit.
     We were both planning to go finish our xmas shopping on Friday (21st).  But I woke up at about 4:30 feeling awful.  This had happened once before on a Monday (I can't remember if it was the 10th or 17th).  I had started feeling better but then I felt bad again about 30 minutes later.  I finally got back to sleep around 6:00 I think.  I called the dr's. office at 9:00.  Dr. Rand wasn't in but I talked to some nurse; I didn't get her name but she sounded a little older than the ones I've seen there.  I told her all my symptoms & she said it sounded like I was coming down with the flu.  I hadn't thought of that.  We had checked my temperature before I called & there was no fever.  She said to just stay in bed & rest & drink lots of fluids.  So I stayed home while Guy went & did his xmas shopping.  He called to check on me while he was out.  It didn't any more though, and I didn't come down with the flu either.  We had an appt. scheduled with a different OB, Dr. Crockford, the day after xmas so we thought we could ask him about it.
     When we told the dr. all my symptoms and what the nurse had said, he said if I didn't come down with the flu it was probably just my hormones because they cause all sorts of things to happen when you're pregnant.  He said it might be my blood sugar but that they don't usually check for that til 6 months which would be next month for me.  So I felt a little better after talking to him.  He did suggest trying to drink some orange juice, and I did this morning but it didn't seem to make a difference.
     I sure hope I don't turn diabetic for the rest of pregnancy & especially not to stay that way afterwards.  I'll be glad when Carole Krebsbach gets back so I can ask her all my questions. 
     I guess I'll try and get a little sleep before Guy comes to wake me up.  We're making our annual trip to Tandom's Pine Tree Inn for our anniversary dinner tonight.

"Just what I need to hear!"

Sunday, December 16, 1990

     I've been really lazy about writing in here lately.  I think it was in the afternoon I wrote last time and never finished.  That Sun. night two weeks ago (Dec. 2) was when I first knew for sure I felt the baby moving.  I'd been having little feelings for a couple of weeks before that but wasn't sure if it was the baby or gas.  But I told Guy after church that morning that I thought it was the baby I was feeling during church but I wasn't sure.  That night after he rubbed the lotion on my tummy I just laid there & we kept watching it til we saw it jump at the same time and place I felt inside.  Then we knew that it was the baby.  It's been moving pretty regular, mostly when I'm being still.  The books say it's normal for them to be more active when you're inactive because when you're up & moving around it sort of rocks them to sleep.  It hasn't woke me up in the middle of the night yet.  There'll be plenty of time for that.
     It wasn't too long after that I started having heartburn really bad.  I'd had it that first week after I saw the nutritionist and was stuffing myself.  But when I let up on the eating it didn't bother me.  Now it seems however much I eat, big or little, I get it.  Of course it's worse the more I eat.  Next time we go for milk Guy said we'd get me something that's on the list of things that are ok (from the dr.).
     I decided to try sleeping on 2 pillows to help with the heartburn, then a week ago Friday I didn't wake up an hour or so later & take one pillow away.  It was about 4:00 in the morning.  I had apparently not moved at all and my left hip (the side I was laying on) was in extreme pain.  I got up & went to the bathroom and then rubbed it some & laid back down but it didn't help much.  I decided to get up & try walking around but that didn't do a lot for it either.  All my grunting & groaning finally woke Guy up.  He rubbed it for me for awhile & it started feeling better enough for me to get back to sleep.  But it still does that a lot whether I've been propped up on the pillows or not.  And it bothered me all through church this morning.  I asked Anita if she ever had that problem & she said, "oh yeah, it just gets worse and you'll never be able to sleep good again."  Just what I need to hear!  She had brought me some maternity clothes last week.  The tops and jumpers fit fine but the pants were all to tight in the thighs so I took them back to her today.
     We had been to Sears on Dec. 1 to shop for maternity clothes.  They don't have as much as I thought they would.  Anita's the only one who's given me any clothes except Linda Pugh.  She gave me a jumper she said wasn't really maternity but it was too big & she didn't like the way it looked on her.  It is big & long but I can wear it with a blouse or sweater underneath.  She's going to look through her patterns & bring me some.  She said her clothes are at her mother's & she'll look through them when they go home for xmas.  I've been wanting to make the dress I was getting ready to start on last time but I haven't yet.  I'd like to wear it for our anniversary.  I need to get started on it soon if I'm going to get it done in time.
     A week ago yesterday, Dec. 8, I got my hair cut.  I've been debating it for over a year & finally decided that it had to be done.  The Sat. before, I had gone with Carol Wilson when she had an appt. to talk to her hairdresser.  I'd been asking around to see who had someone they liked & Carol's was close by.  I looked through some books & talked to her (her name is Lisa) & decided to get it just above shoulder length, turning under a little, with some wispy bangs.  Guy went with me to do it.  She measured it - 28", pulled it back into a low ponytail and cut it.  It looked great when I left there but when I got up Sun. morning the bangs were all wacky.  She'd told me there was a cowlick in the middle of my bangs & it made them separate, & that I'd have to work with them awhile to get them to do right.  Well, some days they do ok and some they don't.  I may let them grow out but that would be a pain too.

"About the third step down, my foot slipped..."

Sun., December 2, 1990

     The past few days have been kind of rough.  Chief kept waking us up in the middle of the night.  Guy was getting really mad at him & so was I.  Thu. night was especially bad.  I couldn't get back to sleep after Guy let Chief out so I got up & ate breakfast with Guy & went back to bed when he left.  Chief kept whining & yapping so I finally hollered down the stairs at him.  I was about back to sleep & he started again.  I tried to ignore it then hollered down at him & he didn't stop so I came down & spanked him.  It wasn't long before he started in again though.  This time I'd decided to start reading so instead of turning the stair light on I left the BR door open to see by my light.  About the third step down my foot slipped and I landed on my rear end & hit one step before stopping on another one.  It scared me so bad.  I was relieved that I didn't fall all the way to the bottom but just thinking of what could've happened made me burst into tears.  Chief had hushed when he heard me coming but then started again.  I came on down & spanked him & screamed at him.  I sat on the stepdown & just cried for a little bit.  Chief just looked at me & whined.  I threatened to spank him again & told him I didn't want to hear any more out of him and went back upstairs.  I felt ok, just shaky.  I didn't know what I should do.  It was 6:00 so Guy wouldn't be in the shop yet.  I didn't know if I should call the dr.  I decided to try & get some sleep & call the dr. when I got up.  I read for a little while & got back to sleep around 6:30.  I didn't hear Chief any more & didn't wake up til 9:00.  I did my medicine & came downstairs & called the dr's. office.  They said he & the nurse were with a patient & she'd have to leave a message.  I hope if it was an emergency they'd get back to me sooner than they did - 2 hrs.  It was the nurse.  She asked how many steps and what I landed on and said to watch for any bleeding or cramping & that if I didn't have those, things were probably ok.  I was kind of anxious but since I felt ok I was trying not to worry.  Guy was very upset about Chief when I told him at lunch.  The only problem I noticed was having a catch in my hip every once in awhile but I've had that before a long time ago.  I've only noticed it maybe 5 times since then and the last time was last night.
     Anyway, Guy said he wasn't going to play with Chief this weekend and he hasn't except for a few minutes this morning.  We went ahead with our plans to go to a movie when he got home.  We had our last passes that we got for filling out surveys a couple of months ago.  They were expiring Friday & we were afraid we wouldn't get to use them.  We wanted to last weekend but everything we hadn't seen & wanted to was a special engagement & the passes couldn't be used for those.  Guy got a paper on the way home & we checked the times and decided on seeing Home Alone at Lynnhaven.  We left pretty soon so we could eat first at Schlotsky's!  The movie was neat and we got home about 9:00 after stopping for gas.  Guy was more relaxed when we got home but he was still upset with Chief.  We went ahead with our plans to leave him loose downstairs overnight.  He didn't wake us up but I woke up hot & clogged & coughing.

"It was just so incredible..."

Thu., November 29, 1990

     Guy's been working til 5:30 every day this week except for yesterday he was able to go see Dr. Rand & have the ultrasound with me.  They'd said we could bring a tape if we wanted so we did.  It was strange though, they made Guy stay in the waiting room first.  She started doing the ultrasound on a tape for the doctor.  But she didn't have the screen turned where I could see it.  She was talking into the microphone but I couldn't hear her much cause she was talking so soft.  I heard her pointing things out & said something was intact.  When she finished that she called for them to send Guy back.  Then she turned the screen so we could see and started.  It was incredible.  The baby was moving around so much.  I'm surprised I haven't felt it yet.  She pointed out the different parts.  We could tell the outside parts ok but she showed us the heart beating, the spine, and I forget what else.  At one point it looked like the baby turned its face to look straight at us.  She froze the picture for a few seconds so we could see the face, it's mostly just light & shadows but you could tell the difference between the eyes, nose, & mouth.  I started crying cause I was so relieved that the baby looked just fine.  I was waiting for Guy to ask but he didn't so I asked if she could tell what it was.  She said she'd try and went from a different angle.  I couldn't tell what she was seeing til she explained it.  She was looking from like underneath the baby's bottom & you could see the legs sticking out and she said that it looked like a girl and froze the screen and put an arrow and "girl" on it.  Then I started crying even more.  I was squeezing Guy's hand the whole time and squeezed even harder then.  She looked from another angle that made it look like the baby's head was on the opposite side.  That confused me til we looked at the tape later.  But when she was on that angle the baby just arched it's back and threw her arms up like she was really stretching.  It was just so incredible - I didn't want it to end but she stopped it & I had to go clean up & give a urine sample.  Then they took blood and we waited to see the dr.  Oh, the girl did my weight and took a pound off for my shoes.  She didn't give me a chance to explain that the nurse doesn't do that.  But I told the nurse when she did my blood pressure & she added the pound back on.  Anyway this time it was 114 - the nutritionist had gotten 115 & 1/2.  So the drs. official weight for me is 114, a gain of 5 lbs. since last month.  He said that was good.  I asked him about the places that hurt sometimes when I cough & he said that's the ligaments.  I told him that sometimes it feels like urine leaks out when I cough & he said that's normal.  He showed us a picture of how the bladder is right under the uterus and coughing normally causes a downward pressure but with the extra weight of the uterus pushes it even more.  I guess I feel better about that but still in the back of my mind I wonder about having a weak cervix.  I'll be seeing a different doctor next time, the day after Xmas.
     I felt so happy after seeing the dr. & ultrasound.  I just hope she's right about it being a girl.  Dr. Rand said he'd probably do an ultrasound again later to be sure the baby's growing enough.  But by the measurements it's right on schedule - 19 wks. tomorrow.

"I've gained 6 lbs!"

Tues., November 27, 1990

     Well, Carole did have her baby on the 20th at 7:23 pm.  It was a girl - Martha Victoria.  I didn't cry when we found out but it really bothered me because I wasn't sure I'd be able to handle it.  We went to the hospital Wed. night but only got to see Carole.  The baby was staying in the room with her so she had to come down to the lounge to visit us.  She felt great cause she didn't have to have a c-section this time.  They came to church Sun. & Mike all of a sudden handed the baby to Guy when class started.  I eventually held her & it was ok.  She was just so tiny & sweet.  The only time it bothered me was when I thought about her being born on the day our baby died.  But I didn't dwell on it.  I never even mentioned it to Carole. 
     We went to Mark & Linda's for Thanksgiving & told everyone there that we're expecting.  About half who were there were ones we'd already told.  We didn't have them make an announcement at church but told several people & the word is getting around.  Some people said they suspected Dianna had told Anita Brannan & Deborah Cuthrell so I know not to tell her any more secrets.
     On the 15th I saw the nutritionist at Dr. Rand's office.  She wrote out how many starches, meats, etc. to have at each meal and for snacks, adding about 1000 calories a day to what I was having.  I had to fill out a sheet every day for a week listing everything I ate.  By the end of that first day I felt miserable.  I felt like I was eating all day long and really stuffing myself.  I had the most awful heartburn by bedtime.  Something on Sat. I kind of let up a little later, especially after I didn't have to write everything down anymore.  This past Sat. when I weighed, I'd gained 3 lbs.  When I saw the nutritionist today, their scales said I've gained 6 lbs!  She was excited by that - I was shocked.  She asked how it was going & how I was feeling and I told her I felt stuffed & miserable & had the heartburn.  She looked through my sheets & said I could cut back some now cause I've proved I could gain weight, and I don't need to gain so much weight the whole time.  She said I could cut out the morning snack cause I said that was the hardest to fit in cause I haven't been getting up as early so breakfast is later.  She also said I could cut back some on the fats.  She asked what I thought would be easiest to cut back on and I said just the portion sizes cause it was just so hard to eat that much.  She didn't rally say much about that except that she didn't want me to cut back on the meats.  I go back two weeks from today.  Last time I didn't notice she's pregnant but she was wearing a maternity dress today.  She's due a couple of weeks before me but she's bigger than I am, just a little.  She said it's her second one & Dr. Rand delivered her first one & he was great.
     I didn't write about the memorial service yet.  It was Nov. 12.  We'd invited Mark & Linda and Glenn & Mercedes.  Glenn had to speak on the Eastern Shore & she went with him.  She called Sat. to say they wouldn't be coming.  She also said she'd just had a pregnancy test Thu. & found out Fri. it was positive.  She wasn't even late yet.  And they weren't actively trying.  The only reason she had the test done was to be sure she wasn't pregnant before taking some acutaine for her face.  She said she was shocked it was positive.  I thought we found out early but she said she wasn't even due til the next week.  So she's just barely.  They've gone ahead & told people but no announcements.  What surprised me though was to find out that they went to Georgia for Thanksgiving.  I'm surprised she'd leave town for anything.  And another surprise - she's going to see Dr. Beringuer.  Apparently he got his insurance back & is able to deliver again.  I hope he does good for her.  She said she doesn't want to see a group of drs. & he's still by himself.  I think she sees him sometimes this week.  We go for the ultrasound tomorrow.
     Anyway, about the memorial service.  It wasn't exactly the way I had pictured it but it was nice.  There was a lady who sang two songs and a girl from the group sang one a Capella.  Ann made some opening remarks and different people read different poems.  When it came to the candle lighting ceremony she said to say the name of your baby when you lit your candle.  We'd thought we were supposed to say the date too.  Anyway, she didn't say which way to go and some people crossed the aisle & some just turned around to the row behind them so some rows got skipped and Ann had to com and start some of the rows herself.  But I guess it went well.  It looked like there were about 50 people there.  We stayed & mingled awhile.  Mark recognized someone he knew from running.  It wasn't anyone we'd met at meetings.  We told Mark & Linda we're expecting.  They were surprised we'd kept it a secret so long.  I cried a little bit when some of the poems were read.  But I did fairly well.

Remembering my "sister"; One year later...

November 20, 1990

     It was one year ago today when I went to the dr's. office and he told me the baby was gone.  I've been thinking about it the past few days.  I haven't been crying all day like I figured I would be.  Maybe being pregnant now makes it easier to handle.  It doesn't keep it from hurting to remember though.  I've been anxious thought because Carole Krebsbach went in this morning to have labor induced.  Part of me hopes it doesn't come til tomorrow, but tomorrow's the date of the D&C.  I just wish they weren't having to do this but they are cause Mike has to leave next Mon., which is her due date.  
     After supper we're planning to go through our box of the baby's stuff.  I hope I can really put this behind me and concentrate on this pregnancy - soon.

"I got to hear the heartbeat"

November 13, 1990

     I can't believe it's been so long since I wrote.  I've been doing better, it just seems like I'm either busy or tired all the time now.
     My OB appt. went just fine.  I wish Guy had been able to go with me cause I got to hear the heartbeat.  They put a little microphone, I guess, on my stomach with some gel and the sound came over a speaker the nurse was holding in her hand, about the size of a small transistor radio.  It had a steady beat but the sound it made reminded me more of the "Space Invaders" marching than a heart beating.  It was exciting though.  I asked him about my eyes & the spots.  He said they didn't look too bad but I could use eye drops for the blood shots.  He said the spots could be just from changes because of pregnancy but since my blood pressure wasn't high he wasn't too concerned.  But to let him know if it keeps happening.  It hasn't done it any more since then.  I go back on the 28th and they'll do an ultrasound then.  I got the appts. for late in the afternoon so Guy can come.
     We survived that week of the security exercise and duty weekend as well as can be expected.  It kind of messed Chief & me up, not to mention Guy.  He slept all Fri. aft. after it was over.  That Thu. night & most of Friday we had really bad winds from nor-easter.  I didn't get much sleep that night because of it.  We didn't have any damage from it around here.  But they had some on the Outer Banks.  The wind blew a barge loose and knocked it into the Bonner Bridge, the major (only) way across, knocking a big section of it out.  It'll be months at least before they fix it.  Meanwhile they're using ferries to get back & forth.
     That Sat. Guy made the porch railing for the end of the porch.  He still has a little left to do but it's basically done.  I don't know when he'll be able to finish it between the weather & his schedule.  Now that the Daylight Savings Time is over, it's dark before he gets home.  He did manage to get the primer on the door & get it painted again on one nice Sat.
     He had to work late (til 6:00) all last week and on his duty day.  Tues, he had the 8-midnight watch.  It messed up the whole week.  He was supposed to be helping clean the house for Carole's shower Thu. night.  And he did but he was really exhausted by the end of the week.  Needless to say, we slept late on Sat.
     The shower went well.  There were 18 who came.  A little more than I'd expected but we didn't run out of food.  The only thing I made was some mini-cupcakes, some with pink & some with blue icing.  Everyone said they were cute and tasted good.  And there were plenty of those left that we can take to the fellowship Sun.  Unless Guy eats them all before then!
     We had planned to take Chief in on Thu. for him to be fixed on Fri., then we could pick him up Sat. morning.  But they said they couldn't do the surgery on Fri. but could on Thu. so I had to take him in on Wed.  Guy put the cage in the back seat of the car but Chief didn't like it.  At least he wasn't able to get up & all around the car.  It was hard leaving him there - I sat in the car & cried a couple of minutes before I left.  But by the time I was getting ready to go pick him up Fri. morning I was thinking, 'I could get used to the quiet life again.'  I expected him to be quiet & cuddly when I picked him up but he was pretty hyper.  I guess he was glad to see me cause he dribbled on me & the floor but when the girl went to get something to wipe it up he tried to follow her.  So I guess he kind of got attached to her.  He gave me a headache with all his yapping on the way home.  As soon as we got in, he ran all around the house checking everything out, then went straight to the back door, went out, and pooped & peed immediately.  Then he went out again about 30 min. later and pooped again.  I put some food out but he didn't eat very much til supper.  It doesn't seem like he's got any less energy than he did before but maybe now he'll be more trainable.  We'll see.  I plan to call sometime this week about obedience classes.  All I want is the basics; come, stay, sit, heel & for him to quit jumping & dribbling on people.  Oh he went upstairs once and has tried again a couple of other times.  Now we put the old coffee table across the bottom step.  I don't think he can get over it.  At least I hope not.

"Tomorrow will be the only normal day we'll have this week"

                                                                                                                         Sunday, October 21, 1990             

     Last week was mostly uneventful.  I had tried the previous week taking Chief out in the back yard on his leash, trying to teach him to sit.  It went ok for a very short time - til he realized I had a pocket full of treats.  Then he just kept jumping on me trying to get those.  I tried it inside the house one day with the same results.  Then I tried it another day without the treats but he still thought I had them.  So I've decided he needs to have real obedience lessons.  I told Guy that but I don't think he took me seriously.  If he doesn't want to pay for it I'll take the money from my own savings.  But I think we'll wait til after he gets fixed.  He'll be old enough next month.  I asked about it when I went to get his refills Friday.  They said he wouldn't need any exam beforehand.  Just call & let them know when we wanted it done.  We'd bring him in on a Tues., Wed., or Thu. afternoon and he'd have to stay two nights.  I told Guy I hate to think of Chief being there all alone & so scared cause he wouldn't know or understand what's going on.  As much as I hate him sometimes, I can't bear to think of him being hurt or all alone like that.  It makes me cry.  But I know it has to be done. 

     Meanwhile, I think the nausea is gone but sometimes I still don't have much of an appetite.  I gained one lb. last week but lost one yesterday.  We see what my official weight is at the OB's tomorrow.

     Either Tues. or Wed. I was laying on the couch watching TV in the aft. & started seeing spots.  When I'd look at something there was a blank spot just to the right of center.  It lasted about an hour & I had a slight headache afterwards.  That's happened before but not for awhile and it wouldn't bother me now if it weren't for the fact I'm pregnant and that for the past two weeks (at least) my eyes have been kind of bloodshot, especially one place on my left eye.  But it didn't really worry me til it happened again on Fri.  It was different this time.  It started while I was at the vet's getting Chief's refills.  I thought maybe it was from the sun reflecting off another car or something but it was worse by the time I got home.  It didn't affect my driving thank goodness.  I could see it when I closed my eyes, like you see spots from a camera flash, but only in the left eyelid.  And this time it had a specific shape.  With the dot representing the point I'm looking at, it looked like this: (she drew a little picture in) curved with one end raggedy.  I laid down til Guy got home and it was better by then.  But it kind of came & went the rest of the night.  It didn't bother me too much when we went out to eat.  Guy said he wanted seafood but neither of us wanted to cook so we went to Red Lobster.  It was very good!  I ate more than I have in awhile but by the time we got home I felt stuffed.  But it was good!  And I still had enough left for both of our suppers last night. 

     Lori called last night.  We'd scheduled this time for her to call if she didn't hear from me by then, just to check & see how I was doing.  I was worried about her too.  She'd told me she'd felt a lump in the side of her breast.  The dr. told her to try cutting out caffeine to see if it would go down.  She's done that for 3 wks. and it hasn't made any difference so she'll be calling him back tomorrow to see what he wants to do next.  I hope it's not bad.
     My OB appt. is tomorrow morning.  When I made the appt. I told them I didn't care what time because I really didn't think I'd make it til then.  But I have and now I have to be there at 10:10 in the morning.  Oh well, I do have a list of things to discuss with him, especially my eyes.
     I didn't go to church today at all.  Deanna had called Tues. to tell us that the fumes from the glue they're using to install the carpeting in the classrooms was overpowering.  Friday she said it was still pretty bad.  So Guy said for me to stay home this morning & he'd see how it was.  He said it wasn't too bad in the auditorium cause they had the fans going but everywhere else was awful.  So he didn't let me go tonight either.
     This coming week will be rough.  He has a security duty exercise from midnight Tues. til noon Fri. He'll be home from noon-8 pm each day but I don't like the idea of being home alone overnight.  Then he has duty on Sat. & Sun.  He's not supposed to have any watches but he'll probably have to work til noon both days.  So tomorrow will be the only normal day we'll have this week. 

"I'm not sure if I'm ready to relax yet"

Mon. Oct. 15, 1990

     Well, Friday was 12 weeks so we're past the point where we lost the first baby.  I'm not sure if I'm ready to relax yet though.  Sometimes I feel like I'm starting to feel better.  There are even moments when I feel like my normal, non-pregnant self.  Mainly when I don't feel nauseous or exhausted.  The nausea is better but it still seems like I can't eat a whole lot without feeling stuffed.  My weight was back up to 107 Sat. so that's good.  Like I was telling Guy when he called at lunch today, I don't feel real tired like I have been but I don't feel like I've got a lot of energy either.  I thought about trying to take over the cooking again but haven't tried it yet.  I'm starting to feel guilty about not doing any housework.  I cleaned off the dining table & coffee table today, kind of.  I feel like I ought to do more sometimes but I'm just so afraid of overdoing it.  Maybe in the next few weeks I'll start to get some energy back.  My next OB appt. is a week from today.
     Becky Kinder called last night.  She's been in the hospital again, for her sinuses this time.  She said they've been having to remove mucous plugs from them about every 3 months and now they're talking about doing surgery to fill them with fat or muscle tissue to prevent the mucous from forming.  She said that they'd have to expose grey matter to do it so she's not sure if she will.  She also may need to have gall bladder surgery but she wants to wait til Dr. Lazarus gets back for that.  She said Dr. L is supposed to be gone for 6 mos. & Dr. Calloway is the best to see while she's gone.  He's the one I've talked to on the phone.  Six mos. means Dr. L will be gone til March.  I sure wish she was gone any other time except while I'm pregnant.

"I just want to get through next week"

Thursday, Oct. 4, 1990

     I'm almost 11 weeks now & it's making me really nervous.  The nausea has started getting better but I still don't feel like eating a big meal.  I lost 3 more lbs last week.  Guy's still cooking.  I think that's helped more than anything, not having to smell what's cooking.
   One thing I don't quite understand - even though I just don't have any energy, it doesn't seem like I'm getting as much sleep as the last time.  Part of it is Chief waking me up after Guy leaves.  It's worse some mornings than others.  But last time I was always ready to go to sleep at 10:00 with Guy instead of staying up til 11:00.  Now, it's only like that every once in awhile.  And I used to sleep from 2:00 in the afternoon til Guy got home at 4:30-5:00.  But even though I usually don't come upstairs til after my story, I hardly ever go right to sleep.  Sometimes I'll sleep for maybe an hour.  Sometimes not at all.  Even when I don't sleep, it's nice to be able to relax away from Chief.  Sometimes he protests for a little while & sometimes I don't hear a peep.  It's getting harder to play with him though.  Besides him getting stronger, he's always bumping or stepping or just plopping down on my stomach.  Besides all the scratching he does. (We're planning to get some clippers fro him this weekend.)
     Guy got upset at me one day.  I don't remember when or even why.  But he said something to the effect that he's here to support me but he doesn't feel like he can with me being so picky about everything.  It may have been something I said about him cleaning.  I told him that I was sorry if I was doing that and that I do need his support and for him to please understand the way I act is probably because I'm so scared and nervous about making it past 11 & 1/2 weeks.  And the closer it gets, the more scared & nervous I get.  And I guess I just don't know how to deal with it.  I want to be close to Guy but I feel like there's some kind of barrier between us.  We don't talk about the baby as much as we did the first one.  And after what happened then, I thought he'd really pamper me this time.  He said all I need to do is laundry & cooking.  He's taken on the cooking so that leaves the laundry.  And to me that's one of the most strenuous things to do - having to pick up a basket full of clothes, having to twist & turn to put them from the washer to the dryer, even just bending down over & over to put them in the washer to start with.
     I know he's tired when he gets home from work but the housework still needs to be done & he just doesn't make the time to do it all enough.  Once it was 2 weeks between cleaning our bathroom.  He did change the towels but the mold in the sink was really starting to get to me.  And even with this air filter, it seems to get dusty so quickly in our room.  But he has dusted more in here than he has downstairs.  I'm just scared to say anything else to him about cleaning so I don't get him upset.
     I just want to get through next week.  If we make it past 11 1/2 weeks, maybe I can start relaxing a little & not be so tense or picky about things, & we can enjoy the pregnancy.

"I just wait for the time to come when the trouble will start again."

Thursday, Sept. 27, 1990

     Guy went with me to see the obstetrician Mon. aft.  His name is Dr. Rand.  He said he'd be my primary doctor but I'd see the others at least once.  They took blood & urine for tests and he did an exam.  I had to fill out all sorts of papers.  He said for me to call the pulmonary clinic if I had any CF problems and they can check with him if they have any questions.  He said they'd probably do a series of ultrasounds throughout the pregnancy to be sure the baby is growing enought because of the nourishment part of my CF.  Guy said something about Champus not paying unless its medically needed & documented.  He said if Champus says they won't pay for so many ultrasounds they'd (drs.) just write them off cause he felt we needed to keep a close eye on the baby's development.  That surprised me & impressed Guy.  He gave me a prescription for Tigan to take when the nausea gets so bad that I can't eat.  I haven't used it yet.  I probably will need it this weekend, seems like that's when it's worst.  We also got a prescription for pre-natal vitamins.  We took it to Boone & Guy picked them up after work the next day.  We got the Tigan at the Revco next to the medical bldg.  I asked Carole about the Tigan & she said it worked for her but it knocked her out for 3-4 hours whenever she took it.  The paper with it had said it could cause drowsiness.
     Dr. Rand said I should come back in a month but to call him if I have any problems before then.  We made an appointment, I think it's Oct. 22.  When she asked if I wanted morning or aft. I said 'it doesn't matter.'  Guy said he thought I'd want aft. since I'm not a morning person.  I think in the back of my mind I was thinking that it doesn't matter when the appt. is because I won't make it to that point anyway.  But I didn't say that.
     Guy & I don't really talk about this pregnancy like we did with the last one.  It's certainly not how I had pictured a second pregnancy.  I thought we'd said after the last one that next time I'd stay in bed from day one.  And it hasn't happened that way at all.  First Janice & Tim came to visit & we were constantly going til I said I had to stay home that last day.  Then I had VBS.  And on top of everything, having to take care of Chief.  Sometimes I think that if I lose this baby it'll be because of him.  I can't stay in bed all I want cause I have to let him out and keep him company for awhile.  He has been letting me sleep later since Guy started feeding him before he goes to work.  But when I'm playing with him in the floor he'll jump on my stomach.  Not that he didn't before.  But it worries me now.  And night before last he scared me so bad I was shaking for a half hour or more.  I was laying on the couch and Guy was in the floor with Chief.  He started zooming around like he usually does and when he came between the couch & piano & end table he started howling & yapping like he was hurt.  My first thought was that somehow the lamp cord was electrocuting him.  I jumped up to see what was going on & the end table was falling over on Guy & Chief.  Guy was trying to get to Chief and then the light went out & I couldn't see & Chief was still howling I was screaming 'what's going on - what happened!?' etc.  I did think to go turn the hall light on & by then Chief was running down the hall to go to his room.  He wet on the floor just outside of it & I figured he'd been peeing all the way down the hall but the place in the kitchen was all we found.  Guy said he'd been trying to pull Chief but he couldn't tell what was wrong but that he wasn't being electrocuted because he would've felt it when he had ahold of his leg if he had been.  The plug had been pulled out of the wall when the table fell is why the light went out.  Guy checked all the cords & it doesn't have a short in it.  That's surprising since that's the 3rd time it's been knocked over lately.  Once by Amy & twice by Chief.  The first time he knocked it over was by jumping up at Guy on the couch, somehow.  Anyway, we were picking up all the stuff off the floor & I was still shaking and my heart was pounding.  Chief finally came back out there but he didn't get too close to the table.  We put that old coffee table top down to where he couldn't go between that space anymore.  Yesterday he kind of sat & looked at it from the dining room side for a minute or two.  But he hasn't tried to go through it again.  Usually when he'd do it is when he & Guy were playing chase and they haven't done that since then.  I'd mentioned one time that we'd have to figure out what to do if he got too big to go through there but still tried to.  The only thing we can figured happened is Guy said he must have gotten a claw caught on the tablecloth & didn't know how to get loose, so he went crazy.  But there wasn't any torn or caught threads that we could find.  He could've gotten his paw or leg hung in the cord where it was hanging down.  We just don't know.  But hopefully he won't be doing that any more.
     Meanwhile, we had our Empty Arms meeting Mon. night.  We went a little early so we could talk to Ann about telling everyone we're expecting.  She said to wait & see who all came & if anyone new was there we'd probably need to wait til the end.  There was a new couple there (engaged) so we didn't say anything when we introduced ourselves.  In the middle of the meeting Cathy Rudolph said she thought we should discuss how everyone would feel about someone still coming to the group if they got pregnant again.  She said she was starting to think about trying again & she knew we were trying again.  I was sure she knew.  I figured Molly had mentioned it in a letter to her.  Other people started talking and I looked at Guy and at Ann.  She started wiggling her eyebrows & smiling and I started getting nervous about saying anything.  Most everyone was saying that they thought it would be ok because that wouldn't change the fact that they'd already lost a baby.  And Kim said she thought that someone getting pregnant would give her hope that she would again too.  When everyone stopped talking for a minute I whispered to Guy that I was too chicken & for him to say it.  So he said 'since you brought the subject up...Ellen's pregnant.'  I heard a lot of gasps & oh's but the only one I saw their direct reaction was Bridgette.  She said 'oh!' & put her hands to her mouth & smiled.  Kim said 'you sneak' or something like that and 'I asked you last time & you didn't say anything!'  Everyone said congratulations & good luck.  We only talked about it a couple of minutes before moving on to something else.  It was kind of a relief to let everyone know.  But it still felt a little funny to be the only one there in this situation.  I'm not sure how the new couple felt about it but they did talk a lot later about their situation.  Guy said we didn't want to upset anyone by still coming while we're pregnant but nobody said they were upset.  I plan to ask Ann before the next meeting if anyone's said to her since then that it did or would bother or upset them for us to be there.  I think it would help me to still go at least til we make it past the point of the last time.  If everything's going ok after that I think it would be upsetting to me to go & listen to everyone talking about their losses.  I haven't mentioned it to Guy so I don't know how he feels about it.  I'm not really thinking too far ahead though.  I just wait for the time to come when the trouble will start again.

"I'm afraid people are going to start suspecting...I'm pregnant..."

Sunday, Sept. 23, 1990

     I didn't get to sleep late Friday because I had to be up for the termite man to come.  They said he'd be here sometime between 8-noon.  I got up at 7 I think.  But I had already gotten up & eaten with Guy.  I made the cake for the Singles Fellowship & cleaned house a little then rested.  Guy got home around 10:30.  We called to find out about the movies & none of them started til 2:00.  So I worked on my stuff for Young Light.  I thought Guy would finish cleaning but he waited til we got back.  We saw Presumed Innocent.  It was pretty good but I got a little confused sometimes.
     We had to fix the vegetables & finish the cake when we got back.  Guy fixed me a hot dog while I took a quick shower.  Then he took a shower while I was eating.  We had everything ready by the time people started arriving.  There were about 10 Singles here.  Linda Pugh had planned to come but had told Mary to let us know she wouldn't be here.  Mark had just informed her that the speaker for the men's retreat was going to be spending the night with them Sat. & she needed to clean house.  Plus being tired from teaching all week (her 3rd week).  Everyone enjoyed themselves I think.  Susan Richardson had sent the tape of the A.F. Dinner & that was fun to watch.  They all left by 10:30, which surprised me.
     I took it easy yesterday, letting Guy go to the grocery store without me.  I stayed in bed a lot of the time.  First I read the paper then took a nap.  I had intended (& had asked Guy) to have a devotional at 3:00, when they'd be having Vivian's funeral.  But I was asleep & Guy didn't wake me up til 4:00.  He has mentioned it in our prayers since we found out though.
     Daddy called last night to tell me about it.  I figured he would eventually.  I didn't think he'd realize who she was, that she was a friend of mine, but I figured Linda Thompson (preacher's wife) would say something to him cause she worked with her & knew we were friends.
     He did surprise me when he said he was thinking about coming to see us.  I've always wished he could come out here but now that he says he might, I'm afraid for him to.  He'd have to change planes and I'm scared he'd get lost at the airport, especially if it's Atlanta.  He said he was going to check the rates but he'd leave it up to us when to come so he wouldn't interfere with our schedule.  I don't know, it's a little hard to picture him actually coming out here.  Maybe if Judy could come with him I'd feel better.  But she probably couldn't afford it.  I'll mention it to her in the next letter.
     I've been tired all day today.  It started with Chief waking us up at 5:00.  Guy let him out & he pooped.  Not too long after, he started yapping.  Guy went down & found the problem, he'd wet in his room.  So he cleaned it up & put him back in.  He was quiet then but I don't think either of us got back to sleep.  He started whining while Guy was in the shower.  So I was plenty ready for a nap this afternoon.
     In fact, I was ready during class this morning.  I'm afraid people are going to start suspecting cause I'm doing the things I did last time I was pregnant: leaning my head on Guy's shoulder, drinking juice during church, & sitting down in the middle of songs.  Guy said Deanna asked him this morning if he was doing more cooking now.  I said 'what made her ask that?' & he said she probably thinks I'm sick.  She was sitting right behind us in class this morning.  It still seems stranged to me that she asked.
     I slept a little fitfully this aft.  I think I was coughing a lot.  When I got up it felt like I couldn't catch my breath enough.  Guy said I should stay home tonight & I didn't argue.  I've stayed upstairs cross-stitching most of the time til my tailbone got numb & I decided to write some.  Guy should be home within the next half hour.
     I forgot to mention how Chief did Fri. night.  We planned to leave him in his cage the whole time but he put up such a fuss Guy put him outside.  That wasn't any better & I couldn't stand it so I told Guy I'd hold him in my lap the whole time.  We ended up taking turns holding him & he did ok for awhile.  Then he started getting restless.  But instead of being scared of everyone this time, he wanted to check everyone out.  No one seemed to object so we let him go around while Guy was making announcements.  When we started putting the food out I thought Guy was watching him & I guess he thought I was.  Deanna came & said Chief peed on her foot.  So Guy took him outside and got Deanna a rag to wash her foot.  He went in his cage after that & did ok for awhile, while we were watching the tape.  He slept for a little bit I think.  But eventually Guy took him outside & let him stay out of his room after that.  So except for getting Deanna he did pretty good.  At least it was better than last time