"She slept through the whole thing!"

Sunday, April 5, 1992

     Daylight Savings Time started last night & I really miss that lost hour. It might not have been so bad if Guy hadn't had duty & I had to watch TV late to go to sleep. Didn't get much of a nap this aft. cause the phone rang & I couldn't get back to sleep. It was Mercedes Hitchcock returning my call from last wk. They were out of town. I was inviting her to Jodie Rowland's shower. It was a brunch here yesterday morning. Cathy Schweitzer did most of the work–I just provided the house. There were 15 people there. It went pretty well. Cathy, Ruby Hopper & Merryl Gallahar came early to set up. I'd just put Ez. down for a nap but she was crying–fighting it. I fixed her a bottle of juice & told them to go ahead & do whatever they needed to set up while I took care of Ez. She went to sleep about 9:45, by the time she finished the juice. I turned her humidifier on & closed her door completely. I had the monitor downstairs. She slept through the whole thing! I went & got her up at noon as things were winding down. So everyone got to see her for at least a little bit. Chief stayed outside the whole time. He did try to get in a few times but most people didn't notice it. He didn't go as crazy as I thought he would when he came in & could smell everyone's scent.

     We didn't have to go out any yesterday cause Guy got a paper & brought it back before he went to work. She took a nap in the aft. but instead of napping I watched a tape–Narrow Margin. It was a good suspense movie. Last night I took my bath with her. She didn't seem to mind to much. She went to sleep around 8:30. She woke up around 3 something for almost an hour. I checked her diaper & it was ok so I just let her cry herself back to sleep. I sure didn't want to get up when my alarm went off this morning. We were almost ready when Guy got home so we weren't too late.

     We got our first ding in the car on the front passenger side door. The Wilsons parked next to us & when Josh opened his door it hit ours & left dark blue paint on it. We already have some touch up paint but Guy needs to wash the car before we can use it.

"I just feel like I'm in over my head being a mother..."

Saturday, April 4, 1992

     Ez. has been waking up at anytime between 6–6:30 the past few days. Sometimes she takes a good nap, sometimes she doesn't. At least she's over her cold. And I'm surprised I didn't catch it. She slept through the night last night but she was up several times the night before. She was up that night before we went to sleep & it was really getting to me. Guy said it seemed like I was upset at Ez. a lot. I told him it wasn't fair that when she goes to sleep, I have things to get done and when I'm finally ready to go to sleep she wakes up. And that it's upsetting when she shows an obvious preference for him instead of me. He said it's just that she's gotten used to him putting her to bed. We decided to take turns putting her to bed every other night.

     He'd said something Sun. about the next time he had a free weekend I need to go away because he thought something was bothering me & that it was Ez. I didn't really respond to that til later. I'm not sure if it was that night or another night. I asked him if he really thought I ought to go away & he said he didn't mean it that way. That he thought I needed a break & that I didn't seem happy anymore. I don't remember what all he said now but so many things he said were things I've written about before that I wondered if he'd read my journals. I asked him the next day if he had & why and he said no but he might sometime cause he didn't know what I was thinking any more. Anyway, I asked him where could or would I go & he said wherever I wanted & where would I like to go. I honestly don't know. I just feel like I'm in over my head being a mother and I'm not going to be able to dig my way out for a long time – if ever. I want to write a lot more than I have time to. I'm just so tired any more. Even when I take naps when she does, it just seems like I can never get enough sleep. And it's so hard to take care of her because she's just so heavy, even just picking her up is hard. Not to mention carrying her up the stairs. It's so hard to sing to her. I run out of breath and have to cough so much. And I don't have time to do my Tobra maybe a third of the time. I just need more time. More time to sleep–more time to clean house, more time & energy to take care of her, more time with Guy alone. It's been almost 2 months since we've been out alone. I need time to sew. Our Easter dresses are cut out but I haven't sewn a stitch on either one.

"I just don't know what I'd do now if anything did happen to her."

Tuesday, March 31, 1992

     Ez. was up off & on last night for almost 2 hrs. starting at 1:14. I finally just let her cry herself to sleep but I guess I fell asleep once she quieted down cause I didn't go check on her again and when Guy checked on her before he left he said both her legs were hanging out of the crib. He asked if I wanted him to try & move her & I said yes. Thank goodness we didn't wake up. She slept til almost 8:00. She took a nap for an hour this morning and 1 1/2 hrs. this aft. She went to bed a little after 8:00 without any problems except she wouldn't let me brush her top teeth. That bottom left molar finally started coming through again – hopefully it won't disappear again. Her nose is getting better. There was a lot of dried up stuff around it and a lot less to suck out than yesterday. I still gave her the medicine this morning & at bedtime. Hopefully she won't need any more.

     Now, to tell about Regina Walker. She & her husband, Shade moved here in Nov. and she had a baby March 10. There was something wrong with her & they had to put her in NICU at PNH for two weeks. She has some syndrome that I've never heard of that affects her kidneys. They've only given her 3-6 months to live – a year at the most. I sent them a couple of notes and was getting some sleepers, etc. together cause Cathy Channell said she'd probably want to borrow some clothes. I was going to go with Gayle Harrison to visit them one night this week, but instead, they gave her a shower this past Sat. morning – at their apartment. After Ez's dr. appt. Fri. aft. I went to Dudley's to see if I could find something appropriate. Ez. fell asleep in the car & I put her in her stroller & she stayed asleep for quite awhile. I looked all over the store & finally found what seemed like the perfect thing. On the wall of plaques there was one called 'Baby Tears'. I cried when I read it. It was originally $20 on sale for $9.99. I asked if they had another one but they didn't. I didn't ask if they'd order me one. The place it came from was on the back. I copied their address as well as the whole poem on the word processor. It was one of the last presents and she didn't take the time to read the whole thing then but several other people did & asked me where I got it. I'd wanted to talk to Regina and the baby but I didn't because there were so many people there. It may sound silly but I want to tell Kayla to tell our baby hello when she gets to Heaven and that we still miss her & think about her. I never got a very good look at her, even when they had her at church Sun. morning.

     I can't imagine being in such a situation. In a way, it would be better to know ahead of time that your baby's going to die as opposed to it happening all of a sudden. But I think I would go to either one extreme or the other. Either I'd be so overprotective and be so emotional the whole time or I'd try to keep myself at a distance emotionally so it wouldn't hurt so much. I think sometimes I do that anyway. I know before Ez. was born I was so convinced that we would not be bringing a baby home from the hospital. I didn't enjoy the pregnancy and made the bare minimum of preparations for her. For a long time I was afraid something would happen to her, like SIDS. That's why I always had Guy check on her before he left for work & let me know she was ok. I just don't know what I'd do now if anything did happen to her.

     Today she tried to pull herself up on the coffee table but her feet were too far apart. She's pulled herself up to her knees several times. But mostly she just still rolls everywhere. She's getting faster & more adventurous at that too. Last night she went all the way from the living room, down the hall & into the kitchen. Guy said he saw her on her hands & knees last night. I wonder which she's going to do – crawl or pull up. 

"...there was so much dried up snot on her nose."

Monday, March 30, 1992

     Ez. is doing better. Guy stayed home with her Sun. a.m. & I stayed home Sun. night. He put the monitor on his side Sat. night & got up with her. He let her cry herself to sleep finally. I think he said it was about an hour. I fell asleep some of the time but kept waking up when she was screaming. I nearly fell asleep in church & class. Guy let me take a nap Sun. aft. & I slept pretty good. I turned the air vent on high so I wouldn't hear the neighbor if he started playing his clarinet. I slept til Guy started running Ez's bath water at 4:30. I felt better after that nap & was surprised that it didn't keep me from going to sleep last night. I forget what time she went to bed but of course she woke up after we went to bed. I checked her diaper and she'd pooped so I changed her – wait, that was this morning after Guy left. I forget the problem last night but when I couldn't get her to sleep again I came back and let her cry cause I was crying myself. It was about 40-5- min. & she finally went to sleep. She slept all night but work up after Guy left this morning. After I changed her poopy diaper she cried for about 20 min. before going back to sleep. This time it was crying & not screaming. She took about an hour & a half nap this morning & an hour this aft. She was up later because of a poopy diaper but went to sleep when Guy gave her some juice. So far so good.

     When she got up this morning there was so much dried up snot on her nose. When I got it loose I was able to suck some stuff out. She acted like she felt better all day but we went ahead & gave her more medicine tonight. Maybe she won't need any more.

     I need to write about Regina's [baby] shower Sat. but I'm too tired.

"She seemed nice enough but they all do at the beginning."

Sat., March 28, 1992

     Tuesday night we went to the ship's spouses support group meeting. Guy had gone by one day after work to find the place. I'd driven by it but the sign was in the shadows from the parking lot lights and the entrance was on the side instead of facing the parking lot. Anyway, the lady who's trying to organize the group was there. I think her name was Connie. Then there was the co, the xo, and the command master chief. And us. That was it! Guy asked people the next day why they didn't show up. They said their wives don't like the captain because she's two-faced. She seemed nice enough but they all do at the beginning.

     Well, this has been a pretty miserable week since then. Ez's third molar is having a hard time coming through and she hasn't slept well. Thur. she had a runny nose so I started her on Dimetapp. She didn't sleep much at all that night. I tried rocking her but she didn't want to. I forget what all else I tried but she wouldn't go back to sleep. Guy finally got up around 3:30-4:00 and eventually took her downstairs to walk her. I was so upset. I'd tried sitting in the rocker by her bed & she looked at her books for awhile but she always started crying again. I finally couldn't take it any more and was crying as much as she was. Everything's all mixed up now. I can't remember what happened which nights. Once, I got her back to sleep finally & came back to bed & Guy woke up & said something & I said 'now you wake up - how can you sleep through all that?' He just grunted & turned back over. Once, he's got her back to sleep, then it was time for him to get up anyway. Thur. night when I was crying so bad & he finally got up to take care of her, I just couldn't stop crying. I went downstairs & laid on the couch awhile til I finally stopped crying & came back up here. He got her back to sleep but she woke up again & I was going in there but he got there before I did. I told him I'd take care of her but he told me to go to bed. I came back in here and started crying all over again. I just sat down in the floor, using up Kleenex like crazy. I was trying to pray but I'm not sure what all I said. Once I finally calmed down again I was just sitting on the side of the bed cause I didn't know what to do. Guy came back in & went to bed. He asked if I was going to stay up all night. What a stupid question. I said 'sure' - my standard answer for yes when I really mean no. He said ok & turned over. So that got me started crying again. I started to go downstairs again but I didn't really want to so I just sat on the landing for awhile. I was thinking about how things are just not the way I thought they would be having a baby. I knew all babies say dada before mama so I wasn't too upset when she did. But she hasn't made any attempts yet to say mama. She doesn't exactly say dada but we know that's what she's trying to say. Before, she was content with me when he's gone but wanting him instead when we're both around. But now she wants him even when he's not around.

     Anyway, Ez was worse Fri. morning. Her eyes were watery & the stuff I was getting out of her nose wasn't completely clear anymore. There was a lot of greenish yellow stuff too. So I called to get an appt. & took her in at 2:00. She'd slept for about 30 min. that morning then acted like she felt a little better after lunch. We had to see Dr. Kevorkian. She looked a lot skinnier than I remembered but I haven't seen her since Ez. was born. Anyway, Ez. had a rectal temp of 100.2 or .3. Her ears were clear but she had to clear a lot of wax out of them & she took too long to do it so Ez. started getting fussy. She took a throat culture but not a nasal smear. She had a blood count done but didn't say the results of that. She said the strep test was negative. She just has a bad cold, take triaminic or pediacare. I asked if she could give her something to help her sleep & she said once her nose clears up she'd sleep better. She said she might get worse before she gets better. Of course she did last night. Guy had duty. 

     She went to sleep & I went to bed at 10:21. She slept for 30 minutes. I got her back to sleep once & she slept for 20 minutes. I should've taken notes cause I knew I wouldn't be able to remember everything. I gave her some water in a bottle once and I think a couple of times just rocked her to sleep but as soon as I'd lay her down she'd start screaming. I tried everything - light on, light off, her mobile, books, various toys, laying in the floor with her, in bed with me. She was always looking at the door & calling Guy. When I couldn't stand it anymore I'd go ahead & put her in the crib and close both doors & just let her cry. I'd go back every 10 minutes and lay her down & tell her to go to sleep but before I'd get out the door she'd sit up & get to the end of the crib, waving her arms & screaming for Guy. I kept waiting for the neighbors to come over to complain. I cried a lot & then decided that both of us couldn't cry all night so I just kind of shut myself down and went through the motions. That's the only way. I don't know how to describe it. I was afraid if I kept being so emotional I'd start screaming at her or something and I didn't want to do that. I did tell her that I love her very much but that when she behaves like that she makes life very difficult for me, and that what gets me is that she'll never remember any of this unless she goes to some shrink who tries to dig up stuff from being a baby. It's just the most awful feeling in the world to have your own baby screaming that she'd rather have her daddy than you. It just doesn't seem fair. I wanted a baby as much as he did. I carried her and gave birth to her. So why does she like him & not me?

     He got her to sleep with no problem around 8:30 but she woke up around 10:00 & he's still trying to get her to sleep. He did bring her in here once to give her some Tylenol. And I sucked her nose out. Before she woke up I did books & he did dishes. When we came back upstairs he was watching a movie & I was about to fall asleep. He said something about talking & I said that would be nice. He said something about me not being happy & I don't remember what I said cause she started crying. She just needed her pacifier. We'd both gone in there & when we came back I was awake & ready to talk & he set his alarm & climbed into bed. So I started writing. I went in once when she woke up but she had the pacifier back in her mouth by the time I got there. I hope this stops when she gets over this cold. I'm afraid it'll be a habit by then & we'll never get any sleep again.