"Last night she slept for 12 hours..."

Thu. August 15, 1991

     Elizabeth finally went down for an aft. noon nap.  The electricity is off so I can't sew like I intended to if she did sleep so I decided to write some more.  

     Tues. I started keeping a record of how much she eats & sleeps to tell the dr. when we go for her shots next week.  I can't see any real pattern except that she usually goes to sleep while she eats and I already know that.  Last night she slept for 12 hours though - the longest she's ever slept!

     Guy was supposed to have this aft. off because he had a security meeting this morning.  But it's 3:00 & no sign of him yet.  I don't know if he's still there or had to go back to SIMA or what.  He'll be awful hungry when he gets home though cause he didn't take lunch.

     Well, the electricity just came back on so I need to go reset all the clocks.  It was off almost exactly an hour.

"There aren't enough hours in the day any more."

Tuesday, August 13, 1991

     There aren't enough hours in the day any more.  There's no time for anything but baby stuff.  Once in a great while I get a little bit of a break.  Two or three times Guy has watched Elizabeth when he got home & let me go out by myself.  I usually just ran errands that I'd been putting off because I felt they would be too much trouble to do with Elizabeth along.  You can't just pick up & go and hop in & out of the car with a baby.  Maybe once she's big enough for us to use the big car seat it'll be easier to get her in & out of it than it is this seat.  In case I haven't written about it, we rented a seat from the hospital & it's one of those bucket-type.  You have to undo the strap almost completely to get her in & out.  The one we bought won't fit in the back seat facing backwards so we have to wait til she's big enough to face forward to use it.  That shouldn't be much longer.  By our scales she weighs 16-17 lbs.  Hopefully at her checkup next week the dr. will say it's ok to turn her around.

     Hopefully E's about to take a nap so I can catch up a little.

     We had a hard time getting her birth certificate.  The hospital said to wait six weeks before sending for it but someone at work told Guy not to wait or it would take forever to get it back.  So we went ahead & sent for it when she was 2-3 wks. old.  It came back in about 2 wks. & everything was fine except they had her listed as a male.  Meanwhile I had called the hospital because someone had told Guy they were supposed to have given us a temporary verification of birth that the Navy would accept as proof to enroll her in DEERS.  When we got that it had Elizabeth and Ellen and listed her DOB as May 19.  So I had to call & get that corrected.  They'd sent it & Guy took it in and they said we had 60 days to bring in the birth certificate or they'd remove her from DEERS.  When I called to find out how to get the B.C corrected, the lady who does that said to write a letter to Richmond stating the error and that she would send a correction or amendment for them to fix it.  We waited & waited and nothing came so I called the hospital when we had about 2 wks. of the 60 days left.  The lady was on vacation and the one taking her place had no idea what to do.  She told me to call Vital Stats in Norfolk.  They told me to call Richmond.  There wasn't an 800 no. for them but Guy told me to call anyway.  I called on a Mon. & when I finally got through they said the person I needed to talk to wouldn't be in til Tues.  So I called Tues. & she said she hadn't gotten an amendment from the hospital, but she'd call the hospital and get verification for the amendment and send us the new B.C.s (we'd ordered two).  We still hadn't gotten them by the next weekend so I called Richmond again on the next Mon. & the lady said they were going in the mail that day.  They came Friday - the next Mon. was the end of the 60 days.  So that was cutting it close.

     Other things from my list that I haven't written about yet:

     The day after Elizabeth was born we got a free steak supper with sparkling cider.  We got to keep the champagne glasses.  As I remember, it was a very good meal.  I think there was also baked potato, salad, and cheesecake for dessert.

     For the first few weeks Elizabeth had all this dry skin flaking off of her almost everywhere but mostly on her face and in & around creases, especially fingers & toes.  I thought it would never stop but it did.  We asked the dr. about it at her 2 wk. checkup & she said it was normal and not to put lotion or anything on her so that her natural oil would kick in.

     Our pediatrician is the Tidewater Children's Assoc.  On my prenatal interview I talked with Dr. May.  He reminds me of the man who played Herman Munster.  He wears a bow tie.  In the hospital I saw him, Dr. Mink - a young man, and Dr. Kevorkian - a woman maybe our age or a little older.  Dianna Landon takes her kids to their office in Chesapeake.  She told me not to see Dr. Schulwolf cause he's not as good with the kids.  So far we've only seen Dr. Karp, a young woman.  She is so nice.  I always ask when we sign in who's there & write down which one we want to see.  We've been lucky to be there on her days so far.

     At her first checkup - 2 wks. she had a thrush infection in her mouth.  Dr. Karp said that's common in newborns & it's kind of like a yeast infection.  I'd seen a kind of white film in her mouth with little white particles but I thought it was from starting to give her formula cause it appeared a day or two after that.  We got some medicine we had to give her in a dropper and use a swab to spread it around her mouth.  It was cleared up by the time we went back at one month but she also had a bad diaper rash by then & Dr. Karp said the thrush infection was mixed in with it; from her swallowing it went through her system.  So we had to get some cream to use on that.  It took a week or two for it to clear up.  Since then we've been using disposable diapers at night and disk. diaper liners with the cloth diapers.  That keeps her drier & she hasn't gotten a bad rash like that again.  Sometimes she gets little spots here & there that look like heat rash to me.  We had to switch to the next size up of diapers three weeks ago.  We have to fold them down in front like we did the newborn ones in the beginning.  Some of the diapers are thinner than others & sometimes I double them.  Like when she'll be taking a nap.  Otherwise, when she has the thinner ones on I try to check & change her more often.

     She's gradually been sleeping longer at night til she's averaging about 9-10 hours a night now.  She got to where she wouldn't sleep as much during the day once she started sleeping longer at night.  But I think I've solved that.  It's gotten to where noises that didn't used to bother her do now and she won't sleep in the Travel Tender downstairs any more.  (Except once when we'd been out running errands all morning she slept there for an hour or so.)  I've been bringing her back upstairs to her crib for naps & it's going better.  But she seldom sleeps longer than an hour or so.  I've been trying to keep her from getting dependant on having a bottle in her mouth to go to sleep.  Sometimes she'll go to sleep with the pacifier but it usually takes a bottle to get her to sleep.  That's the only way Guy can get her to sleep besides walking her.

     I can't believe she's been asleep 1 1/2 hours now.  There's still so much I want to write - both about things that are going on and things I'm feeling.  Sometimes I just get so down because I feel like I don't have time for myself any more or for me & Guy alone.  And I get so tired sometimes, especially when she won't go to sleep or when she does but keeps waking up every few minutes.  And when I look around the house at all the mess I just feel like we're living in a pig pen.  The only thing that gets done regularly is the kitchen.  Our bathroom is semi-regularly & everything else is just whenever we can get to it.  And the money situation isn't too good.  I don't think I wrote about the argument we had while Sue was here.  Guy decided without saying anything to me that he was giving $500 to church to pay the deductible for the insurance.  (The building had been broken into three times in a month.)  He went and cashed in $1000 worth of our bonds.  I was so upset with him.  Not only for not discussing it with me but because I didn't think we could afford to be giving away money when there were so many things we were going to be needing for E. that were going to cost a lot.  He said that's why he took out $1000 - half for the church & half for E.  He said he just felt so blessed since we had her and she was ok that he just wanted to make a special contribution.  I didn't have an answer for that.  But the money has been so tight.  We're spending money we can't afford and kept taking money out of savings.  Guy kept saying not to worry about the money & I told him someone had to.  Yesterday he went & cashed in two more bonds.  He put $300 in checking.  I don't know how much cash he kept - he gave me $20.  Sat. he'd talked me into going ahead and buying a new stroller.  I really wanted to get one that was pink but it was too heavy when I tried to see if I could lift it as high as I needed to put it in the trunk.  We got one at Baby Superstore that's pale blue and has two bunnies & a goose on it.  It has a reversible handle on it and a mesh "platform" underneath for storage.  It really is nice but I still feel guilty whenever I look at it.  I need to call Kathy Dotson & see if she wants hers back.  Guy charged the stroller & said he'll pay it off on the next bill.  I don't know exactly how he intends to use the rest of the $300 unless it's to pay more on other credit cards.  I guess some of it will go to everyday expenses so we won't be in the hole at the end of the month.

     Guy says things will be better in Jan.  His pay will go up because of going to sea duty, going over 18 years, and the regular Navy pay raise.  We, or at least I, were counting on him making Chief and he didn't.  I keep thinking how I should've been working all this time and saving money up for baby things.  Everything is so expensive.  And we'll need money for the trip home at Thanksgiving.  We have started buying lottery tickets more often & Guy talks about how nice that would be.  But I know that's really a long shot and don't want to waste so much on something that'll probably never happen.

     She'll probably wake up any time now so I'd better try to get some lunch before she does.

"...she's slept for 10 hours every night!"

Friday 7/12/91

     Sue helped me do the birth announcements while she was here.  I'd taken them to the hospital with me thinking I'd be able to do them there.  HAHA!  We mailed out the ones that I didn't want or need to send pictures with.  It took almost a month to get the hospital pictures back.  Meanwhile, Deanna Oliver had loaned us her Polaroid camera.  Carole & Guy had taken some pictures at the hospital for him to take to church that first Sunday.  Sue took some pictures of the three of us so we could send them to family.  She typed on the word processor while I dictated a letter.

     Barb & Rick Leland came to visit the last night Sue was here.  She left on Tues 4/30.  Guy took her to the airport alone.  While she was here she was working on a cross-stitch sampler for Elizabeth.  She had already finished 2 x-st. bibs for her.  She also brought a little t-shirt that says "Someone in Texas Loves Me."  I wish she could've stayed longer.

     We've had a time getting a birth certificate for Elizabeth.  When the lady came by the room for us to sign the papers for it (they had called already & asked for all the information) things were pretty hectic.  I was sitting (very uncomfortably) in the chair while the sheets were being changed.  I was trying to nurse Elizabeth & she was getting really fussy.  I still had the IV in (saline & piton & antibiotics).  A guy came from the lab to take blood.  He said he recognized us from the Naval Hospital.  He left a bruise on my arm that lasted for weeks.  The lady was talking to Guy & he brought the papers over for me to sign.  I looked everything over & saw that they had her listed as a twin.  I told Guy & he told her & she scratched it out I think.  Anyway after it seemed to be corrected I signed it.  The lady gave us a booklet that had a form to send in for the birth certificate.  It said to wait six weeks to send for it.  Someone at work told Guy after he went back not to wait that long or it would take forever to get it.  They also said that we should've gotten a verification of birth from the hospital that PSD would take as temporary proof to enroll her in DEERS so we could start filing for CHAMPUS - or rather the pediatrician's office could.

     Well the birth certificates (we paid for two) came about two weeks after we sent for them.  They didn't look like any birth certificates I've ever seen, showing all the info. from the form.  It just had both our names & where we were born.  Elizabeth's name & birth date & that she was a male!  I called the hospital & they gave me the number for medical records.  The lady there said to send them back to Richmond with a letter explaining the error and that she would send them an amendment.  So we sent them back on May 23.  Mon. 7/8 we hadn't gotten them back yet so I called the lady at the medical records & they said she wasn't in this week.  I asked if anyone could tell me if she'd sent the amendment.  The woman put me on hold & then said she couldn't tell.  She said the easiest thing to do would be to go to Richmond & I said no way!  She told me to look up the number to Norfolk Office of Vital Statistics & ask them.  They told me to call Richmond & gave me the number.  They don't have an 800 number so I called Guy to see if it was ok to make the call & he said to.  When I finally got through, I explained the situation & they said the person I needed to talk to wouldn't be in til Tues.  So I called back Tues. & got the right person.  She said she got the letter & the B.C's we sent back but hadn't received the amendment from the hospital.  I told her that the Navy would only accept the temporary verification for 60 days & that that would be up on 7/22, if they didn't see the B.C. by then they'd have to take all her info out of the computer.  She said she'd call the hospital to verify it & send the corrected B.C.'s out this week.  Guy said if they don't come by Mon. for me to call her again.  I sure hope they come.  The last time I talked to the lady at the hospital she was very apologetic.  If I have to talk to her again I'm going to ask to speak to the manager or whatever & ask for a written apology.

     Back to telling things in order.  I mentioned earlier that Dianna was loaning us a bassinet.  We kept Elizabeth in it right beside the bed for 6-7 wks.  When she started waking up only once a night I still wasn't getting much sleep because I'd wake up every time she moved or made a sound.  I didn't write it on the calendar but I remember it was a Sun. night when I told Guy that something had to give because I wasn't getting enough rest even with her sleeping more.  So we decided to leave her in the bassinet but move it into the front bedroom.  We had it right beside the crib. (That's another story.)  She started sleeping a little longer after that & gradually increased til at 8 wks. she slept completely through the night.  She was getting onto a schedule of sleeping for 8 hrs. no matter what time she went to sleep, then waking up for a bottle & going back to sleep for 3 hrs.  But for the past four nights, since 7/9 she's slept for 10 hours every night! That may or may not be connected to the crib.

     When we ordered the new crib I decided not to put Elizabeth in the old crib but Guy didn't take it apart til the new crib came in.  When he got around to putting the new crib together, when he took it out of the box one of the end pieces had a crack.  He called the store & they said they'd order a new one & asked if this one was safe to use.  He said it was so she said we didn't have to bring this one back.  He went ahead & put it together which I didn't understand since Elizabeth was still in the bassinet & he'd have to take it apart again when the new crib came in.  Anyway, I just used it to hold all the stuff we got at the baby shower.  But she's growing so fast that she's almost outgrown the bassinet.  She scoots around so much I think she was waking up because she couldn't move around enough without bumping the sides.  So Mon. 7/8 was her first night in the crib.  I spent most of Monday trying to get it ready.  I didn't get the dust ruffle on & barely got the sheet on.  The bumper pads are a little bit long cause they're made to be tied to the ends & there are no openings on the ends of this crib so they have to be tied to the sides.  Once we get the new crib I'll try to fix them better.  They're really pretty though.

     She really still scoots around.  Sometimes when we check on her or she wakes up she's sideways & sometimes she's headed the opposite direction of what we put her in.  I think she likes it.  But she doesn't like being put down on her stomach if she's still awake enough to realize it.  I'll be glad when she can turn over on her own and we don't have to always put her on her stomach.

July 7, 1991

"Elizabeth slept the whole time."

7/11/91

     It was nice having her here.  I may have overdone it a little bit while she was here.  That Sat. we drove out to the Chesapeake Bay Bridge Tunnel.  We stopped at the island & went to the shop/restaurant.  I stayed in & had a cookie & milk while they went out on the fishing pier to look around & take some pictures.  We drove on til we came to the Eastern Shore then turned around and came back.  Elizabeth slept most of the time.

     I can't remember if it was that day or Mon. when we went to get the rocker.  Guy had always said he'd get me a rocker when we had a baby.  The first time we were expecting we'd gone to the unfinished furniture store and checked out the rockers.  But we didn't go back to buy it before we lost the baby.  I was glad we hadn't gotten it because it would've been a reminder of losing the baby every time I saw it.  So this time I told Guy I wanted to wait til we had the baby & everything was ok.  So we went & picked one out.  We were going to have to wait til after the next payday to get it but Sue said she'd pay for it and we could write her a check for it the day after pay day.

     Elizabeth hardly slept that night & we didn't hear the alarm the next morning.  Sue was going to stay home with me & Elizabeth while Guy went to church but he didn't go either.  I think he went that night.

     Monday we went somewhere, I forget where unless that's when we got the rocker.  Then we went to eat at Red Lobster.  Elizabeth slept the whole time.  Guy laid her on the seat by him - we were in a booth.

     The diaper man came before we got up that morning & Sue woke us up when he came.  He'd come the first time around 11:00 Guy said so that's when we expected him.  But he said he'd come between 9 & 10:00 every Monday.  Usually Guy puts the diapers out when he leaves for work.  But I made sure I was up once & Guy didn't put them out so the man would have to ring the doorbell so I could ask for a new deodorizer.

"The first couple of nights at home with Elizabeth were rough."

Saturday, July 6, 1991

     The first couple of nights at home with Elizabeth were rough.  It was 4 or 5:00 in the morning before she went to sleep.  For one thing, they bathed the babies at midnight at the hospital & I think she was expecting that.  Also, we didn't have any receiving blankets to wrap her in & she was probably not warm enough.  It sounds silly now but at the time it's what we thought of - we wrapped her up in one of Guy's t-shirts.  We also put her little hospital cap on.  But for whatever reason, she wouldn't go to sleep.  Guy walked her around for the longest.  I tried to nurse her, then pumped and let Guy feed her with the syringe.  Like I said, it was a rough night.

     Tues. aft. 4/23 Deanna came over & stayed with me while Guy went to get some blankets and other things for Elizabeth.  Kathy Dotson came by that afternoon too.  I tried to nurse Elizabeth when she got fussy but she just fell asleep.  Kathy & Deanna both had brought some hand-me-downs they'd gotten at garage sales plus Deanna brought some from her brother & sister-in-law, including a couple of blankets.  So Elizabeth slept better the second night but she was up a lot, too.

April 1991

     Thu. 4/25, Sue flew in from DFW to visit.  We left the house about 30 min. before her flight was due.  As we got to the interchange I saw a plane & said "I hope that's not her plane" & Guy said it was too early.  But it turned out that her plane was early.  We went down toward the gates but they were only letting people with tickets through so we headed back to the central area to wait.  We'd looked on the screens for her flight but there weren't any listings for the airline she was on (American?)

"I looked over at the house & there were pink balloons all over!"

Thu. 6/27/91

     Every once in awhile I try squeezing to see if there's still any milk and I can still get a few drops out. But my breasts have shrunk down to their previous size, maybe even smaller.  I'll need to go in the next few months and have my baseline mammogram done.  I'll have to wait til there's absolutely no milk left.

     At first I wouldn't give Elizabeth a bottle, I let Guy do it.  I thought if she knew she wouldn't get a bottle from me she'd try nursing when I had her.  But that didn't work.  Whenever I tried to nurse her I felt like I was forcing myself on her.  She just didn't want anything to do with it.  She'd start crying and I'd start crying & Guy would fix up a bottle & take her & feed her while I kept crying and feeling like the worst mother on earth.

     It did get better when I used the nipple shields but she didn't seem to be able to get enough.  It was wearing me out.  Janice or Kitty didn't have any more ideas so I decided that was that, unless I wanted to keep pumping for a year.  And I knew that wouldn't work.  Everyone said it was more important for me to keep myself healthy to take care of Elizabeth than for me to wear myself down just so she could nurse.  They kept pointing out that lots of babies use formula & do just fine on it.  And she has done well on it.  But it still hurts me whenever I see someone from church nursing or when I see that commercial on TV.

     I think I tried my best & did everything I could to make it work but sometimes I can't help but wonder if there was something else I should've done or tried.  When it came down to deciding, I knew I just couldn't let her starve - that if she wouldn't take it from me she'd have to have formula.

     At one point I confided in Ann Prescott that one day I found myself wondering if the first baby would have been this way or if she would've been a perfect nurser from the start.  She said that it was perfectly normal for me to be thinking of the other baby & comparing her to Elizabeth.  I don't remember what all she said but I felt better after talking to her.

     I guess I need to back up again to tell things in order.

     When we finally got everything together & left the hospital I felt so happy.  I told Guy I was afraid it was just all a dream.  It just seemed so unreal to have a baby that was really ours & we were taking her home.

     When we got home Guy stopped at the mailbox & I looked over at the house & there were pink balloons all over!  I asked if he did all that & he said he'd only put up the one balloon we already had & the 'It's a girl!' sign on the door.  I asked if he knew who did it & he said yes but he wasn't supposed to tell.  But I guessed.  First I thought maybe it was some of the singles - no.  My second guess was Mike & Carole - yes!  It was so pretty even though some of the balloons had already deflated.

     We had bought a car seat through Carole through their insurance company.  It's supposed to last through the toddler stage.  But to get it to fit in the car properly it just wouldn't.  You have to have the seat facing backwards till they weigh 20 lbs. and the seat belt in the back seat wouldn't fit around it with it facing the back.  It'll be fine once we can face it forward.  But that'll be awhile.  So we rented a seat from the hospital.  It's $25 but you get $15 back when you return it to them.  It's ugly - one of those bucket-type seats but at least it fits in the back seat ok.  I sit in the back with her.  When it's just me & her I put the seat in the front passenger seat.

     Chief was really excited to see me when we got home.  He was sniffing all around Elizabeth & wanting to like her.  It didn't take long for him to lose interest but he did come back over to check her out whenever she made a noise or moved around.

     I discovered some roses on the table - three pink roses in a bud vase.  I don't know how many times I told Guy right out and dropped hints that he'd better bring me a dozen pink roses if everything went ok with the baby.  I kept waiting for them to be delivered to the hospital but when they didn't come, Sunday night just before Guy left I got up the nerve to say something about it.  So he went to Farm Fresh Mon. morning & got these.  He said it just completely slipped his mind.

"I had to face the fact that I couldn't nurse Elizabeth."

Wed. 6/26/91

     Even when we'd only had it for a day, Guy decided to go to Farm Fresh and get some formula & bottles because he felt she wasn't getting enough to eat.  There had been a sample can of formula from the hospital and he'd already given that to her in the bottle from the breast pump and there had also been some little plastic feeders that he'd used but that had been sort of deformed from being boiled.  (We eventually learned from the pediatrician that we don't have to boil anything, not the equipment or the water.)

     We had the breast pump for three weeks before I finally decided that I had to face the fact that I couldn't nurse Elizabeth.

     Before giving up though, I tried one more thing.  When we were at the hospital on 5/3 to visit the Expectant Arms meeting, I saw Kitty, the other lactation consultant.  We talked for a few minutes and she said there was one more thing to try.  She gave me a nipple shield.  It was a flexible plastic shield that had four holes in the tip.  I put it on and Elizabeth was able to get a good hold on it and keep her tongue down.  She was actually nursing!  However, Kitty said that using the shield can cut down on the milk the baby can get out by 25%.  So she still wasn't able to get enough from me.  She'd nurse about 15 minutes on each side and 30 minutes after she finished she'd be hungry again.  I cried so much & so often about the situation.  I'd wanted to nurse Elizabeth so bad that it just hurt so much not to be able to.  I felt like I wasn't a good mother and that she didn't like me because I couldn't nurse her properly.

     When I decided to stop trying to nurse her I knew I'd hurt for a few days.  Janice told me it would be ok to express a little bit whenever the pain got too bad and to take Tylenol & cooler showers or use cool compresses or ice packs.  I did everything except the compresses & packs.  May 16 was the last day she nursed.  I did try it a couple of times the next week but she wasn't interested at all.

"Elizabeth will be two months old tomorrow."

June 18, 1991 - Tuesday

     Elizabeth will be two months old tomorrow.  I can hardly believe it's been two months already.  Sometimes it still doesn't feel real.  I look at her when she's sleeping and she looks so sweet and precious like a little angel.

     I'm so far behind in my writing.  I don't know if I'll ever catch up but I'll try.

     After all that the nurse said that Sun. night I was afraid I was starving Elizabeth because I couldn't get her to nurse.  I told the nurse to be sure that the lactation consultant knew I wanted to see her when she came in Monday.  It turned out to be Janice Harville, our Lamaze instructor.  She spent so much time with me, at least 2-3 hours, trying to help get Elizabeth to latch on.  We didn't make a lot of progress though.  She did figure out what part of the problem was: Eliz wouldn't keep her tongue down, she'd hold it up to the top of her mouth.

     She came up with an idea to try & help Eliz. learn to keep her tongue down.  She got a syringe that was a pretty good size (maybe 3/4" diameter) but instead of a needle on the end it had a removable feeding tube.  It was maybe 1/8" diameter and about a foot long.  She suctioned the breast milk out of the bottle into the syringe.  Then she used some surgical tape to tape the tube to Guy's little finger.  He was supposed to put his finger in her mouth & whenever she got a good suck & kept her tongue down he was supposed to "reward" her with a little bit of milk from the syringe.  Janice said by the end of the week Eliz. should have gotten the hang of it so that she'd keep her tongue down when I'd try to nurse her.

     So we did that all that week - pumping the milk into the bottle and putting it into the syringe for Guy to feed her.  The reason Guy did it was so that she wouldn't associate eating from the syringe with me & wouldn't expect that instead.  So I'd try every once in awhile to get her to nurse but she'd only get a few sucks and then either fall asleep or get too frustrated & fussy to even try.  I talked to Janice on the phone a couple of times during the week and by Friday we decided to rent an electric pump from the hospital.  That made the pumping a lot easier cause my arms were getting sore from the manual pump.

     But I didn't really keep to a regular schedule with the pumping and my milk supply didn't seem to increase very much.  I could only get 2-3 oz. at a time.

"That weekend was one of the happiest times of my life."

Thursday, May 30, 1991

     I don't remember how long we were in the room before they brought me supper.  I think Guy went to the cafeteria to get something?  I was hungry though.  A nurse told me how to use a squirt bottle to rinse myself after going to the bathroom.  There were some nylon wipes to use instead of toilet paper and she said to blot instead of wiping.  The first time I went to the bathroom it kind of burned.  I was afraid one of my stitches had come loose & asked the nurse to check them.  She said my stitches were fine, that it was probably the hemorrhoids that were bothering me.  "Hemorrhoids!?" I said.  "How'd I get those!?"  She said it was from all the pushing during labor & delivery.  Nobody ever said anything about getting hemm's from pushing.  I even looked it up in my books later and it only talks about getting them during pregnancy, nothing about from pushing.

     Anyway, they gave me some Tucks and some cream (prescription-strength Anusol) and some spray to use on them.  But they still hurt a lot.

     I still had the IV going with pitocin to help my uterus contract and shrink.  It felt kind of like big menstrual cramps.  I didn't ask for anything for the pain until late that night.

     We were anxious to see Elizabeth again but they weren't going to be bringing her til it was time for the 8:30 feeding.  After supper, Guy said he couldn't wait and got the card to go to the nursery to see her.  (You had to show a special card at the window for them to bring the baby over to look at.)  He was gone for quite a while and when he came back he was all excited.  He said, "You won't believe the hair she's got!  It's blonde and it's down past her ears!"  I wanted to see for myself but I sure didn't want to walk all the way down to the nursery.  But I started getting really anxious to see her & about 8:30 I told Guy to go see if they were coming yet.  But I told him to leave the door open and stay where I could see him.  It seemed like forever before he said they were starting to bring the babies and forever more before Elizabeth finally came.  The nurse said "every time someone brings or picks up the baby they'll check your bracelet and hers to see if they match and you need to check the nurse's ID when she comes to get the baby."  They brought the babies every four hours for feeding - 12:30, 4:30, & 8:30.  I had rooming-in during the day and had them keep her in the nursery at night.  But I'm getting sidetracked.

     They rolled her in in what they called a bassinet.  It was about the same height or a little higher than the bed.  She was all bundled up in a blanket, not a whole lot like right after delivery.  She had a little knit cap on her head.  She was asleep & she looked so beautiful - like a little angel.  First thing we did after the nurse left was take off her cap & blanket.  There was so much hair on her head & all blonde!  I was so surprised.  I'd been hoping she'd have red hair but figured it'd be dark like mine.  So blonde hair was quite a shock.  And it was so long - down over her ears a little like Guy had said.  A lot of it was sticking up instead of laying down on her head.

     We checked her fingers and toes again.  When I'd looked at her footprints the nurse had put in her baby book, it looked like her second toe was longer than her big toe, just like Guy's.  I'd said "oh no!"  So I had to look at them in person to see for myself.  And sure enough, she had her daddy's toes.  But her fingers were all long like mine.  And her arms & legs were long & skinny like mine.  She definitely looked like a Jones in the face though.  I don't think she woke up at all that first time.  I did try to nurse her then but she wasn't interested enough to wake up.  They came to get her at 9:30.

     Guy helped me go to the bathroom then get settled in bed before he left.  We were both exhausted.  I asked for my pain medication and the nurse brought me two Tylenol 3.  That's the one I took after the D&C and after hurting my muscle coughing, and gave me nightmares.  But there were no nightmares this time.  It just knocked me out cold.  I think I took it again after they'd brought her & picked her up overnight.

     That weekend was one of the happiest times of my life.  Every time I looked at Elizabeth I felt like I was living in a dream.  The thing I had dreamed of for all these years was finally a reality.  It just didn't seem possible and yet there I was holding my very own baby in my arms.  She didn't look as bad as I thought she would, having had the for ceps.  And her head wasn't cone shaped from the pressure of pushing.  She was just beautiful.  And apparently she was healthy too.  They said her blood was A+ like Guy's.  

     Every time they brought her to me at night and every few hours during the day, I tried to nurse her. She would get a few good sucks & then either fall asleep or get fussy and not want to even try nursing.  But whenever I asked a nurse about it she'd tell me not to worry about it because babies have a supply of "brown fat" when they're born that they can live on for the first few days, until your milk comes in.  So I didn't worry - until Sun. night.

     I could tell that aft. that my milk was starting to come in and by the time they brought her in for the 12:30am feeding I was engorged.  I told the nurse I needed some help with nursing and she said she'd be back after she finished taking babies around.

     I had asked the nurse (I think it was the same one) that brought her the very first time if they'd given her a bottle in the nursery.  She said they give all the babies sugar water in a bottle to be sure they can suck & swallow properly.  I still wonder if she'd've nursed without any problems if she hadn't had that bottle first.

     When that nurse came back she helped me try to get Elizabeth to latch on but said I was too engorged.  She asked how the nursing had been going before the milk came in and I told her she'd hardly done it at all.  She said "if she hasn't had anything since I was here Friday night she needs to get something cause she hasn't had anything in the nursery."

     She went & got a manual breast pump & helped me pump enough to get some relief, then I gave Elizabeth the milk in the bottle.  The pumped milk would drain right into the bottle, then you removed the pump part & put on the nipple of the bottle.  She didn't have any problem taking the bottle.  I didn't really want to do that because I was afraid it would ruin my chances of nursing her.  But like the nurse said, I couldn't let her starve.  She said if I needed to I could come down to the nursery and use an electric pump.

"Elizabeth is one month old today!"

May 19, 1991

     Elizabeth is one month old today!  It's hard to believe it's been a month already and yet it seems like forever ago.  I need to finish writing about her birth.

     Dr. Baker had said he'd come by & check on me.  Shortly after getting the epidural, one of his partners came by - a Dr. Ropol?  I was still waiting for the epidural to take complete effect so I wasn't too comfortable.  I don't remember what all he said.  All I remember is he had two interns or residents with him and he kept putting his hands on me.  He kept stroking my arm, head, or shoulder the whole time he was there.  After he left I told Guy if he did come back once - I'm not sure.  He did come by the next day (or Sun.?) when I was in a regular room and whenever he touched me I tried pulling away from him - hard to do when you're in a confining hospital bed.  Dr. Baker did come by while I was in labor I think but it may not have been until after I had her.  That's what I hate about not being able to write soon afterwards.  By now I can't remember all the details.

     Like the books said, getting the epidural slowed down the contractions so they started pitocin in my IV at 11:14.  I don't remember being able to tell any difference.

     They had me change positions every 30 min or so, one side or the other or my back.  At one point I tried to go to the bathroom in a bedpan but I couldn't get the muscles to work.  So they had to come use a catheter.  It didn't bother me like the one at the emergency room - I couldn't feel it because of the epidural.

     At some point Carole told the nurse, Kathy, that the monitor didn't seem to be working right, that my contractions were longer & stronger than it was registering.  They called Dr. Rand & someone said he was in surgery.  I thought "Why did he have a surgery scheduled today when he knows I'm here to have my baby!?"  Anyway, he called back & asked if they'd checked me lately.  They hadn't so he said to, so Kathy did & she & Carole just looked at each other & Carole said 'she's fully dilated isn't she?' and Kathy said 'the baby's right there.'  They told Dr. Rand that I was fully dilated and +2, maybe +3, which is how far down the birth canal the baby's head is.  I knew that meant it wouldn't be long, relatively speaking.  I was just hoping that I'd be able to have her vaginally and not have any last-minute complications that would mean having to get a C-section.

     I don't know how long it was before Dr. Rand came but he checked me & said everything looked good and for me to start pushing.  Guy wrote that down that I started at 2:06.  I'm not sure what it was, probably just being tired, but by then it seems like I was kind of out of it.  I was alert enough to know what was going on & to follow directions when they told me something.  Maybe it's just that I lost all sense of time.

     They would tell me, usually Guy, when a contraction was starting.  Then he would hold one leg & Carole held the other while I grabbed both legs behind my knees & pushed.  I think Dr. Rand was still there when I started cause I remember him telling me to hold my breath, and not let it out slowly like I was doing, while I was pushing.  I think Guy & Carole took turns counting to 10 but usually I only made it to 7 or 8 before I'd have to take another breath.  I usually got 3 pushes on each contraction.  Sometimes I'd get a fourth one but only to the count of 5 or 6.

     At some point I started feeling the urge to push & didn't have to wait for them to tell me when.  Sometimes I even felt it coming on before they had a chance to tell me it was coming.  I tried to use a focal point while I was pushing (and earlier when I was breathing).  There was a pretty painting on the opposite wall of a beach scene and I'd focus on some point on it or on the corner of the mat or frame.  The only problem with that was that the nurse or someone would get between me & my focal point sometimes.  I tried to "look through them" when that happened.

     Through the whole day Guy had been giving me ice & water when I needed it.  I sucked on a lolly pop for awhile too.  Some of the times I grouched at him was when I'd ask for ice & he'd try to give me a drink & I'd have to say 'just ice' or vice versa.  The only other time I remember grouching at him was when I was trying to do the breathing while waiting for the epidural to be done.  He was trying to help me regulate my breathing and was right by my face, breathing on me.  In between breaths I growled out at him "Don't breathe on me!"

     I forgot to mention that Dr. Ropol had ordered a respiratory treatment for me.  I can't remember now if I had a nebulizer or not but he left one of those little canister inhalers of Timentin for me to use.  He said to take so many puffs (4?) every 4? hours.  I think I had a nebulizer & after I finished it I did the puffs.  In just a few minutes my head started feeling funny & told Guy I didn't feel right in the head. Then I felt like I was going to pass out and I kind of did.  They laid me down til I felt better.  Carole told my symptoms to Dr. Baker cause I think he came by shortly after it happened.  He left orders for them not to give me any more of that.

     Back to the pushing:  Sometimes in between I would have to cough and Carole said that it was as good as pushing.  I had no idea how much time had gone by but I was just waiting for Dr. Rand to come back cause I knew he wouldn't come back til it was time.  I was getting tired & shaky.  At some point I'd asked Carole & Guy to stretch my legs out between pushes instead of holding them bent.  I was so relieved when I saw Dr. Rand come in.

     After that it's like a part of me was aware of everything and a part of me was in a daze.  They broke down the bottom half of the bed.  There was a cut-out space between my legs and kind of platforms for my feet.  I had to scoot down some & I asked if I could sit up some more.  Kathy said I couldn't too much but pushed the pillows down behind my back some to help.

     I remember still pushing when I needed to and moaning & grunting when I did (The next couple of days my throat was sore from all the noises I made)  Then Dr. Rand told me to stop pushing for a minute & pant.  So I did.  I thought that meant the head was out & he was suctioning her.  Then he told me I could push again and then I pushed so hard that I closed my eyes.  Someone said "look here!"  (Guy said it wasn't him so it was probably Dr. Rand.)  When I opened my eyes he was laying her on my tummy!  I remember noticing that Kathy had put a warm towel on me.  I kind of wrapped her up in the towel; she was so warm.  Guy said 'it really is a girl' & I said 'she does look like you, honey'.  Dr. Rand suctioned her mouth & nose out and clamped the cord.  He handed Guy the scissors and he cut the cord.  We didn't know til later that Carole got a picture of that.  (And right after he laid her on my tummy.)

     I don't remember delivering the afterbirth but I did notice when Dr. Rand started stitching me up.  Meanwhile we were checking Elizabeth out.  I was crying so much and Guy was grinning from ear to ear.  We counted her fingers & toes and tried to see what color her hair was.  We couldn't even tell if she had any.  She was still covered with a lot of blood.  Guy said later that when he first saw her head come out bloody, he thought Dr. Rand had cut her head.

     I need to backtrack & tell what really happened.  When Dr. Rand had told me to stop pushing and pant for awhile, Guy said that's when he did an epesiotomy on me.  Then he fixed the forceps on her head.  When he told me to push again, Guy said he just gave a little tug and out she came, all at once.  But Guy glanced at me because he said I screamed (I don't remember that) then when he looked back she was out.

     I kept asking if she was ok & everyone said she was.  After a little bit she stopped crying & I thought something was wrong with her.  Guy said she didn't have to cry all the time.  She was just looking around with her eyes wide open.  Kathy took her over to check her out and clean her up while Dr. Rand was stitching me up.  I felt pressure from it sometimes.  It seemed to be taking a long time so I asked him how many stitches did I need.  He said a little more than usual because even after cutting me, I still ripped all the way down to the rectum.  I thought 'great! I'll have all sorts or complications like Luana.'  (Luana Carter may have to have surgery because her dr. cut too far into the rectum & cut her colon & she got an infection)

     After he was done & he said all his congrats and we said all our thank yous, Kathy brought Elizabeth back over.  Actually, I think she let Guy bring her over.  She was just a big bundle of blankets with this little face showing from underneath a knit cap.  Carole was taking pictures with our camera & a Polaroid camera that Deanna had loaned us.  Someone had told us over the intercom when Deanna got there & she stayed in the waiting room.  We asked Carole to go down & get her so she came down & got to hold Elizabeth.  Carole took some video then and left shortly after.  The nurses had changed shifts but Kathy stayed til after she'd finished with Elizabeth.  I remember the new nurse coming and introducing herself but I was in the middle of a contraction (pushing) so I kind of ignored her.

April 19, 1991

     We were supposed to have only an hour to stay in that room for recovery but it ended up being about an hour & a half.  Once they took Elizabeth to the nursery they had Guy come to watch them weigh & measure her.  Carole had gone.  Deanna had taken some of our stuff down to my room & was going to leave then.  So it's like all of a sudden I was all alone.  I felt like I'd been deserted.  I couldn't move my legs much yet so I couldn't reach the ice or water or even get a Kleenex.  So I just laid there.  Then I felt something wet on my arm - my IV was leaking.  I couldn't find the nurse call button til finally I found it hanging down the side of the bed.  By the time someone got there it was bleeding.  She just kind of jiggled it a little and it stopped.  She said she wouldn't change the sheets since I'd be leaving soon but that she'd get me a fresh gown.  (She never did.)

     It seemed like forever before Guy came back & I got onto him for leaving me without being able to get to anything.  (I'd asked the nurse to hand me some things after she fixed my IV)  He said he was sorry but he was all excited about seeing them take care of Elizabeth.  He said she was 6 lbs. 5 oz. and 20" long.  I felt better knowing she was between 6 & 7 lbs.  And she was apparently healthy.  I asked about her hair & he said he couldn't tell yet cause it still needed to be cleaned.

     The new nurse finally came back to get me ready to go to my room.  I wasn't sure if I'd be able to stand up & get in the wheelchair myself, but I did.  The ride to the room was a little bumpy.  My rear end hurt.

"Ha! Spare minutes!?"

Monday, May 6, 1991

     We're still not in a real routine yet but I'm going to try & write as much as I can whenever I have a few minutes to spare. Ha! Spare minutes!?

     There was a wheel chair in the lobby of the hospital so we took it to the 4th floor.  The front door wasn't locked like we'd expected.  It opened up automatically.  When we got to the nurses station on the delivery wing, Guy told them the times & lengths of my contractions and they told us to go down to room #5.  (That was the room we'd looked at when our Lamaze class took the hospital tour!)  Once the two nurses got me settled in bed & the external monitors on, Guy went to park the car.  The older nurse asked me a ton of questions, mostly medical history stuff.  I was trying to use my breathing whenever I had a contraction and she was telling me to slow it down because I wasn't that far along & I'd wear myself out.  I tried to but it was hard.  It was easier when Guy got back & helped talk me through each contraction.

     I forgot to mention that we called the dr's. office no. (a little before 5:00?) and they gave me another number to call.  I called it & there was no answer.  So I found the answering service number and called it.  The lady asked if I'd called the other number & I said I had but no one had answered.  She sounded annoyed but took my name & number.  Dr. Lehew called about 5 min. later.  I told him what all was going on & he said to come on in.  So we got last minute stuff together, Guy let Chief out one more time, & we headed for the hospital.  It was 5 til 6:00 when we walked in the lobby.

     Dr. Lehew came & checked me & said I was at 3 cm.  That's what I'd been at my checkup on Tues. I thought 'all these contractions I've had so far and nothing's happened yet!? Oh, it's going to be a long day!'  He said he'd go ahead and break my water to get things going & did that at 6:34.

     Dr. Rand came shortly after 7:00.  I don't think he checked me then but he told me he was leaving orders for nubane, a pain killer thru the IV, and for an epidural.  That whenever I was ready for either of them to let the nurse know.  I asked him if I could try using oxygen first to see if it would help with my breathing exercises & he said ok.

     I guess the oxygen helped for awhile (it dried me out though) but finally the contractions were getting strong enough that I knew I couldn't handle them any more.  They put a dose of nubane in my IV at 8:17.  It started working almost immediately.  Besides killing the pain, it really spaced me out.  So I decided I didn't want any more of that once it was gone.  When it started wearing off the contractions seemed to be a lot stronger.  I don't know about the timing.  I decided I was ready for the epidural and Guy called & told them.  It took them forever to come & do it.  I kept telling Guy to tell them to 'get in here NOW!'  They finally came - an oriental man & a white woman - & had to explain everything to us.  Then she finally put it in.  All I felt was a little sting from the numbing shot she did first.  I don't know how long it took her to do it but they said it would take about 10 minutes for it to take effect.  Guy said they did it at 10:02.

     They had a continual dosage going and had to come back a couple of times to adjust the dosage.  First I started getting a "hot spot" kinda to the right of center front.  After they upped the dosage my legs went dead.  I was supposed to be able to move them and I couldn't.  You have to change positions every once in awhile & I wasn't able to do it on my own.  So they came & adjusted it again.  It was a long time before I was able to move my legs again and even after I got back to a regular room, there was a numb spot on my inner left thigh for awhile.

     But in general, that epidural was a wonderful thing.  Like the books said, it made my contractions slow down so at 11:14 they put some pitocin in my IV to increase them.  I couldn't tell much difference cause I couldn't feel them anymore.

     Carole Krebsbach came about noon.  They allow you one other person besides your husband & we asked her if she'd come.  It turned out to be the day that Mike was coming home (he left the end of Jan.) but she said Mike would be in at 8:00 that morning and she could come that afternoon.  Mike agreed to that too.  I was so glad to have someone there that we trust that knew exactly what was going on & could tell us that things were going normally.  Guy went to eat his lunch when she got there. 

     At some point, the nurse, Kathy, or Dr. Rand checked me & I was 5 cm.  Then sometimes he came and put on an internal monitor & removed the external one.  There was a part of it that had to be taped to the upper part of my leg.  But they also put this clip on my little finger that would keep track of the oxygen level of my blood - don't ask me how it did that without drawing blood!

Contractions

Wednesday, April 24, 1991

     I didn't have the time & energy at the same time in the hospital to write any.  It's been about the same here at home.  I just don't have any energy back yet.  I can get up & down the stairs ok but it wears me out.  Everything wears me out.  It's going to take me awhile to recuperate from this.  I still feel like I'm never going to be comfortable or normal again.  But I guess I'm getting ahead of myself.

     Guy kept pretty good track of things as they happened.  We were all set to go in on Friday, 4/19 to have labor induced.  I slept some that night but not real well, kind of like I expected.  At about 3:15 I woke up with this contraction.  It was a lot stronger and sharper all over than the Braxton Hicks I'd been having.  I poked Guy & told him to feel of it and put his hand where it hurt the most - right in the middle below the belly button.  He asked where else it hurt & I said all around & inside too.  When I told him it was over he said ok and turned over & went back to sleep.  I got up and went to the bathroom & came back to bed.  It wasn't long before I had another contraction & I woke Guy up & told him & he asked if it was the first one.  I said no, didn't he remember me waking him up before.  He said no, how long ago was it & I told him it was about 3:15 for the first one & this was at 3:30 so he said let's start timing them.  We kept track of them from then on.

"...she knows it's time to be born and she's ready."

Thursday, April 18, 1991

     Last night was another rough one.  Besides the baby kicking & moving around constantly, I was so hot and all stuffed up.  Every time the baby calmed down I'd start to drift off & then she'd start in again.  I had decided to try sleeping leaning up on my TV pillow and did ok like that for awhile, comfortable except for the baby kicking.  But eventually I couldn't get comfortable in any position.  I tried putting my head the other way & propping my feet on the TV pillow to help cool my feet off.  It helped some but it got hard for me to breathe laying flat.  I finally tried just leaning back straight on the TV pillow but it got to where I couldn't breathe so I finally woke Guy up to help me up.  He went to get me some milk.  That helped cool me off some.  He suggested I just sleep with one pillow on the arm of the TV pillow so I tried that.  The baby was finally calmed down so I finally got to sleep.  That was somewhere between 2:00-2:30.  But all through the night whatever side I was sleeping on my nose was both stopped up and dripping so I had to keep a Kleenex underneath it.  I woke up when Guy's alarm went off & he didn't hear it.  I had to poke him to wake him up & he said 'what is it!' and I said 'your alarm.' He was really out I guess.  I got up to eat breakfast with him & after he left I couldn't get back to sleep just because of thinking about everything.

     We talked a little bit overnight and before he left this morning.  I told him when I wasn't able to sleep last night I didn't know how I was going to make it to  Friday and then make it through labor & delivery.  He said he'd be there to help me and I'll be ok.  I asked him why the baby wanted to kick me so much & not let me sleep.  He said cause she knows it's time to be born and she's ready.  That's great, but why can't she have her big active time during the day instead of waiting til we go to bed to start?  And keeping me awake half the night?  I hope this isn't how she'll be after she's born.

     When I got up this morning my neck was stiff from sleeping on the TV pillow arm.  My face & ears were hurting from my sinuses and my chest had a really tight feeling.  My nose isn't quite as stuffed up when I'm up & about for awhile.  I still have to blow it a lot and I can't breathe well enough through it. My chest hurts some when I cough & every once in awhile I cough something up.  Some times there are varying amounts of blood mixed in.  Last night while Guy was fixing supper I coughed up what felt like a hard glob of stuff but when I got it out on the Kleenex it was all blood.  I wouldn't call it a clot cause it wasn't hard but it was pretty thick & stiff.  That's the only time that's happened & hopefully the last time.

     I called Dr. Baker's office yesterday & had to leave a message.  He called back & I told him I'm going to be induced tomorrow and he said he'd come check on me.  I told him about my cold & that Dr. Rand had given me some augmentin to take.  He said that was good. (I didn't start it til last night so it probably hasn't taken affect any yet)  I won't be able to take it in the morning because you have to take it with food and I can't eat anything after midnight.  Dr. Rand did say to go ahead and use my tobra, and use water to take my pills.

     I've been trying to get ahold of Dr. Lazarus to let her know I'm going in tomorrow.  I've left messages twice - they always say she's busy.  I told them I have to talk to her today.  I guess I should've tried calling her yesterday.

     I've been taking it easy for the most part today.  Since I didn't get back to sleep til 7:30 I didn't wake up til nearly 10:00.  I went over the papers the hospital sent - consent forms, etc., cleaned out & switched purses, and straightened up stuff on the coffee table.  I need to clean off the dining table too.  Guy's planning on mowing when he gets home.  I hope he's not mad that I haven't had a nap this aft.  Poor Chief has been moping all day cause I can't play with him.  He spent nearly an hour outside earlier though.  I guess I need to look like I'm relaxing when Guy gets home.

     Dr. Lazarus finally called back.  She sounded a little surprised when I told her they were inducing me tomorrow.  When I told her about the augmentin she said that once I have the baby I should start taking ciprofloxacin.  I told her I'd ask Dr. Rand to give me a prescription for it.  She asked if Dr. Baker knew I was going in and I told her I'd called him & he said he'd come check on me.  She gave me her home phone number to call in case the baby doesn't come before she leaves tomorrow.

     Well, so much for going to bed early tonight.  It's just past 10:00 & we're waiting for a load of clothes to dry.  I went ahead & washed my hair instead of waiting til tomorrow morning cause the weather's turned cool again.  Lots of people have been calling - Kathy, Deanna, Sue, Dianna.

     Everything's packed except what I'll need in the morning - I think & hope.  The baby has been moving around some but hasn't started her attack yet.  I guess because I'm still sitting up.

     I played with Chief a little while Guy went to the store after supper.  He got me some suckers & got some lap pads.  Dianna had mentioned I'd need some for the bassinet.  (They'll bring it to church Sun. morning.)  She also said you need to wash all the baby's stuff in something like Drift or Ivory Snow cause the additives in regular detergents can irritate their skin or cause an allergy.  But they didn't have any at K-Mart.

     To describe how I feel tonight, knowing the baby will come tomorrow: excited and relieved that it won't be much longer, and scared that I won't handle it very well, especially having this cold.  I asked Guy what his thoughts are tonight.  He's looking forward to holding her, and he hopes I don't have as hard a time as we think I will.

     Don't know when I'll be writing again.  But Guy's going to keep track of things as they happen, hopefully.

"Too bad they can't do the test at midnight."

Wed. April 17, 1991

     Monday night when I woke up overnight I felt like my throat was starting to get sore.  It gradually got worse during the day & by late yesterday afternoon my sinuses started clogging up.  I didn't get much sleep last night between my nose & throat and the baby moving.

     Also, on Mon. night when we went to bed the baby got really active & kept me awake for a couple of hours.  Then yesterday morning after I got up, when she got the hiccups they were on the right side instead of the left!  And the kicks were on the left instead of the right.  I don't know why she'd want to turn around at this late date but at least she's still head down.

     Guy got the aft. off to go with me to the dr.  The non-stress test wasn't as good as they've been being.  She just didn't seem to want to move around.  It was Bonnie and another lady she's training doing it and they kept pushing around but she would only kick back every once in a great while.  They had this thing that she put up against the bottom of my tummy and it made a big buzzing noise for a second and made the baby jump real big.  But she still didn't start moving around.  They did it twice.

     So Dr. Rand said he wants me to have another non-stress test today.  If it's not any better he'll send me to the hospital for them to do one.  But, today is his day off so I don't know who'll make the decision of whether to do that or not.  Hopefully, baby will be more active this afternoon.  Carole told me to eat something sweet before I go cause that would perk the baby up.  I wasn't drinking juice during the test like usual cause I wanted to have my temperature taken.  But I will today so maybe that'll help.  Thank goodness they're letting Guy have the afternoon off again.  He told me to finish packing in case they decide to induce me this aft.  I hope it doesn't come to that though.

     I called Dr. Baker's office while ago to let him know they're planning to induce me on Friday but I had to leave a message.  I also called the diaper service.  Mon. is their delivery day in this area so that'll work out just right.  Except she didn't know if it would be in the morning or afternoon so we'll have to leave the check under the doormat in case they come before we get home.

     I think maybe the sudafed is starting to work a little bit.  One side was completely stopped up last night, probably cause I was laying down.  But I can breathe through both sides of my nose a little bit.  I do have to blow every now & then.  Guy should be home soon.  I'm not really worried about the baby, but I'm worried about the test.  If she hadn't been as active as she usually is at night I would worry.  Too bad they can't do the test at midnight.

Wed. evening

     The non-stress test went ok.  While we were in the waiting room I ate a little snickers and it wasn't long before she started really kicking me - on the right side.  She's turned back around!  I also had a glass of juice to be drinking.  By the time we went back for the test she wasn't kicking any more but she did move around every once in awhile.  It was Debbie who did the test and she talked more this time than all the other times I've seen her.  (Bonnie stopped by to see how it was going though.)  She did have to use the buzzer once.  We had to wait while she had Dr. Graves look over the test.  She came & told us that it was fine so we just need to show up at the hospital Fri. morning.  Dr. Rand had told us everything yesterday.  We need to be at the maternity ward at 7 a.m.  First he'll break my water and if that doesn't start labor in a couple of hours he'll put me on the pitocin.  I hope I don't have to have that cause it's supposed to make the contractions a lot stronger.

     Carole said she'd come to the hospital even though Mike is coming home that morning.  She said he's all excited about it & it's ok with him for her to come.  It'll probably be past noon before she comes but that'll be ok.  Deanna's coming after getting off work at 2:30 & stopping by to let Chief out.

"During church yesterday morning I was having a lot of contractions."

Monday, April 15, 1991

     Sat. Guy did lots of housework.  Things look so much better now.  Too bad it doesn't last long.  I started working on the bumper pads & diaper stacker I'd planned to make.  When Guy wanted to get the crib set at the store I reminded him I was planning to make the bumper pads.  He said I'd still need to make them cause we'd be using the old crib downstairs.  I got about half done with the pads.

     After Guy finished cleaning he went up in the attic to put the rest of the stuff up there.  Then we finished putting things away and rearranging the front bedroom - FINISHED!  The closet is still full of boxes, mostly my scraps, but there's still room to hang up a few things.  It sure looks different in there now.

     At some point during the day I took a nap while Guy went for milk & a paper.  He cleaned downstairs when he got back & let me sleep til I woke up on my own.  It helped.  But I didn't get much sleep that night, maybe 3&1/2 hrs. total.  But I slept for 1&1/2 hrs. for our aft. nap, about twice as long as usual.

     During church yesterday morning I was having a lot of contractions.  We were keeping track of them and they started getting closer together.  For about 30 minutes they were 5 & 6 minutes apart.  Then they stopped.  Ever since then they've been like before - just very sporadic.

     I did have some stronger pains last night right after we went to bed and woke up a couple of times with them during the night.  But I went right back to sleep.  That's the first time I've "slept through" without having to get up to go to the bathroom or anything else.

     We tried to get some of the baby's movements on tape last night.  She's been putting on quite a show every night at bedtime but of course whenever we turned the camera on she slowed down & stopped.  I told Guy we need to keep the camera ready every night.

     J.E. & Jenny Thompson came by about lunch time.  She had told us a few weeks ago that she wanted to get us a diaper bag for the baby.  They'd been on a trip and when she saw us Sun. morning she said she'd bring it that night.  But she forgot and asked if they could come by the house today.  Guy wrote out our address & phone number for her.  J.E. called about noon saying they couldn't find me - they were at Witchduck and Kempsville.  I gave him directions from there & they got here about 20 mins. later.  I'd put the gate up to keep Chief in the kitchen but they didn't come in.  Jenny just brought the package to the door & talked for a little bit.  I waited til Guy got home before opening it, but I let him actually open it.  It's a huge thing, and made of plastic instead of fabric.  It's pink, almost lavender looking, and has blue, green, & yellow rattles and pieces of rainbows on it.  It's ice I guess but I probably would've like it better if I hadn't already seen the perfect one at Sears - pink with rabbits & hearts on it.  Maybe this one will wear out soon & we can buy that one ourselves.

     Today was Guy's last duty day before the baby comes.  He was supposed to work til 6:00 but called and said he had to wait for someone from the Radford to bring in some hot jobs.  I was very upset because I'd been feeling lousier & lousier all afternoon, just lack of energy and having a hard time breathing.  I did try to snack all afternoon and when I told Guy everything I'd eaten he said I'd done good.  I still didn't have much of an appetite for supper but ate as much as I could, promising Guy I'd eat some ice cream before bedtime.  He got home about 7:15.

     Deanna came by a little after 6:00, well, almost 6:30.  She'd mentioned yesterday that she was going to Piece Goods after work and I asked her if she could pick up some bias tape for me.  I'd bought single instead of the double-fold that I needed for the bumper pads.  Now that I think of it, that was bought for the basket liner I intended to make & I was going to get what I needed for this later.  Anyway, I wrote out what I needed & she got exactly what I needed.  She said she bought all they had of it - 5 pkgs.  I needed 15 yds.

     Guy put in a request for tomorrow aft. off to go with me to see Dr. Rand.  I want him to understand everything about this if we do have to go for induction of labor on Fri.  I asked him to read about it & he said he'd take the book to read in the morning.

"Bunnies & Hearts"

Saturday, April 13, 1991

     Last night after supper we went to the Baby Furniture Plus Store on Newtown Rd.  That's where Carole took me one day to look around.  Guy had persuaded me the other night to include bunnies in the baby's room so we decided to do bunnies plus hearts.  We saw a crib set in Sears' catalog with both in pink & blue together, hearts and bunnies.  The whole set cost $85.  They had the same thing at the store and the whole set for it was $77 / $8 difference.  I was kind of hesitant about it but Guy insisted so we decided to get that.  We looked all through the store at everything and at the back we found two cribs that were just under $100 each.  They weren't anything fancy and both were in dark wood.  But the end panels weren't real wood.  One had clear teething rails on the sides.  The other had white ones on the sides and ends.  We asked the lady if either one came in white.  She checked and said both did.  The one with the white rails, she already had a white one on order & said it would be in in 4 wks.  The other one she would have to place an order for a white one & it would take about 6 wks. to come in.  We decided on the one that was on the way.  We also picked out a firm foam mattress for $40.  All together with tax it came to $216.83.  We paid $50 down to put it on layaway.  The lady was really surprised when we said the baby's due in a week.  She asked if we had a cradle or something to use til the crib came & we said we're borrowing a bassinet.  I just noticed she put on the receipt "needs ASAP."

"...he thinks there's a slight chance of it being cancer."

Friday, April 12, 1991

     I didn't get a nap yesterday til after Guy came home and took Chief for a walk.  I just dozed on the couch but it seemed to help.  And it's really weird but I slept pretty good last night.  I remember waking up once & looking at the clock but I don't remember what time it was.  I didn't get up to go to the bathroom.  I think I just popped my fingers or something & went back to sleep.  I don't remember hearing Guy's alarm or him in the bathroom but I woke up sometime while he was downstairs and went to the bathroom.  Then I was thirsty & called down for him to bring me some milk.  I had some Cheerios too.  Then I read after he left.  It was about 6:45 before I got sleepy but then I didn't wake up til 9:45.  So I guess I got plenty of rest last night.  I feel pretty good but it is a little hard breathing sometimes.  The weather's cooler again so that should help some.

     Yesterday Guy went for another checkup for that knot in his arm.  The medicine they gave him last month didn't seem to make any difference.  They did a couple of X-rays but nothing showed up.  So they said it's a fatty deposit that's hardened and there's nothing to be done about it.  He had told them that sometimes his whole arm aches & they said if it keeps bothering him they could send him to orthopedics for them to check his joints.  He doesn't think it's that and he thinks there's a slight chance of it being cancer.  I think it would've shown up on the X-rays if it was that.  Maybe it is a hardened fatty deposit and with its location it's pressing on a nerve or tendon or something.  I guess it'll have to get a lot worse before they'll do anything else about it.

     I called Ann Prescott yesterday and told her I'll be induced on the 19th if I don't go in before that.  That's the day of the next Expectant Arms meeting.

     Seems like every afternoon I get a lot of BH's but they're not getting any more regular or stronger.

"...he wants to induce me on the 19th"

Thursday, April 11, 1991

     Sunday night at bedtime the baby decided to launch a vicious attack on me.  Besides kicking me way over on the right side, sometimes it felt like she was kicking up underneath my ribs.  That really hurt! Guy went on to sleep but I was up til about 1:00 trying to get her to stop.  I rubbed, scratched, & pushed around my tummy.  I walked around, I sat on the bed & rocked back & forth and side to side, I tried getting on my hands & knees and leaning down like that.  Nothing seemed to help.  I guess she just eventually got tired & went back to sleep.

     I had to get up early Mon. for my appt. to interview a second pediatrician at 9:15.  Needless to say, it was hard to get up at 7:00.  I found the place without any problem.  It's just down from the credit union.  There was only a man with a little boy there & he was trying to make an appt. for the same day.  They said he'd have to come back later.  I started to wonder when the nurses started coming in and they were all black.  I got up to stretch my legs & look around.  There were some shelves with books & magazines and on top was a sort of collage with pictures of his patients.  The majority of them were black, then I spotted a picture at the bottom that had the dr. listening to a toddler with a stethoscope.  And yes he was black.  I don't like to think of myself as a prejudiced person but I did start feeling uncomfortable.  There was no way I could just get up & walk out and I didn't really want to do that.  I figured I might as well talk to him and see how he was.  Well, he was very nice.  It's just him & one other dr., which I like better than there being 5 or 6.  He did his residency at CHKD, & he said in two or three months they were going to be moving to a new location, near Fairfield Shopping Center. That would be even closer but still not as close as the other drs.  He answered all of my questions well and it was easy to talk to him.  So I left there undecided between the two.  After talking it over with Guy & thinking about it some more, we decided to go with the group that's over here on Greenwich cause it is so close.  They'd said to just call the office once we have the baby & one of them will come check on the baby the day after delivery and the day we check out.  Then we go in for a 2-wk. checkup and start the shots at 2 mo. I think.

     Mon. night I called Beckey Kinder to see if she knew if Dr. Lazarus was back yet.  She saw her last Thu.  Beckey isn't doing too well.  She's got osteoporosis and arthritis in her back, her legs are starting to give out on her, and she'll probably have to have her gall bladder removed soon.  But she's still got high spirits.  She said to let her know when the baby comes and they'll come see us at the hospital.  I'm so glad I'm not as bad off as she is and I feel sorry for her except that she has such a good attitude & doesn't feel sorry for herself.

     Guy had Tues. aft. off to go with me to see Dr. Lazarus.  She lost some weight & she's limping cause she broke her foot over there (the cast is already off).  She seemed to think I was doing well under the circumstances.  She did have them do my blood gasses though.  It was rough for some reason this time.  Anyway, the numbers were mostly up this time except the CO2 which means that even though I'm getting enough oxygen, I'm having to work harder to get it.  I knew ever since this past weekend it's been getting harder to breathe.  I think it's because the weather turned hot over the weekend and there's so much pollen and we had the windows open all day.  Anyway, we turned the AC on Mon. morning & that helped some but I would still wake up hot at night & not able to breathe.  We brought the fan in the bedroom & used it at night.  But I was still waking up hot in the middle of the night.  I'd been wearing just a t-shirt to sleep in but even that felt so restricting.  So last night I got Guy to move some boxes around & find me a summer nightgown.  I was a lot more comfortable & was able to get to sleep fine but I woke up a little before 1:00 needing to go to the bathroom.  I couldn't get back to sleep and about 40 minutes later I started feeling kind of nauseous and my heart started pounding and I got short of breath and started feeling faint.  I woke Guy up & he helped me try getting in different positions til I finally started feeling better.  When I felt faint I hung my head over the edge of the bed.  Then when it felt like there was too much blood rushing to my head I laid down flat.  Once I finally started feeling normal again Guy got me comfortable, propped up a little bit and I finally got back to sleep.  I think the whole thing lasted a little over an hour from when I first woke up.  

     I think I slept ok after that and was surprised that I was able to get up & eat breakfast with Guy.  I've felt fairly decent today - haven't had as much trouble breathing - at least so far.  It's cooler today too. 

     Now I need to backtrack and tell about yesterday.  I had a non-stress test at 1:30 then saw Dr. Rand.  The test was fine.  The exam didn't hurt as bad this time cause I tried taking a deep breath first then focusing on the ceiling and doing the slow breathing.  He said I'm a full 2 cm and slightly effaced. He said he was kind of mean with the exam to see if he could get something started.  I had a BH for just a few seconds after I sat up, kind of strong so I thought maybe he had started something.  But I didn't have any more til from between 5:00-6:00 & they weren't as strong and were from 10-35 min. apart.  I had 2-3 during Lamaze class.

     I lost 1&1/2 lbs. from last week -  not good news.  He said with that and the fact that I was having such a hard time breathing, I need to have the baby soon.  He said if I don't go sooner, he wants to induce me on the 19th, a week from Friday.  I told him I'd heard that labor can be a lot harder when induced.  He said there's no way to know that because you don't know how hard your labor would or wouldn't be without induction.  So, if nothing happens between now & then, I've only got 8 days to go.  It helps to have a definite date to look toward instead of having no idea.  I would kind of rather go in before then though cause I'm just so ready to get this over with.  I've got my bags packed (since Sun.) except for the last minute things.  We still need to finish rearranging the front bedroom.  But at least the crib is set up and her dresser is cleared out.  Dianna Landon is supposed to loan us her bassinet though to use in our room for the first few weeks.

     Sue is going to come from the 25th to the 30th so that'll be nice.  I still can't believe she's coming to help with the baby, even if it's only five days.

     I saw Marian after Dr. Rand yesterday.  She told me to have a milkshake every day and a cups worth of a combination of peanuts, raisins, & M&Ms.  We stopped at McDonald's after class for a milkshake last night & I was able to get most of it down by bedtime.  I've been working on M&Ms this afternoon.  Yesterday was Marian's last day to work so she gave me an appt. with a new nutritionist named Christie next week.  Marian's due Sun. I think.

     I went over the phone list again this morning and re-did it on the WP so it's be neater.  I hope I haven't forgotten anyone.

     Last night was our last Lamaze class.  Janice was gone to a convention so Susan had it.  She didn't do too bad.  She went over some post-natal stuff and then reviewed everything we've learned.  She said we were supposed to get diplomas but they haven't come in on time.  One of the packages of magazines & 'stuff' we'd gotten in class had a coupon from Sears where you got 50% off a car seat if you bought a crib so we decided to use it & then discovered it had expired 12/31/90.  I asked Susan if they had a package dated for 91 & she said she didn't think so but she'd make a note to ask Janice.  She also said we'd be getting a lot of stuff while we were at the hospital.  So maybe we'll get a new one of that coupon or something better.

     I think I'll try to take a nap before Guy gets home. 

"I started crying & just told him I didn't think I could do it"

Sunday, April 7, 1991

     The baby's been moving around just as much as ever since I was worried about her on Friday night.

     But I sure got into a mood yesterday afternoon.  I don't know what started it all but I just got to thinking about how hard it is to have a baby and to take care of it once it gets here and that there's no way I'm going to be able to do it.  I started thinking that I just don't want to be pregnant any more and that since there's no turning back now, it's a hopeless situation.  I know I don't get enough sleep now & that it'll be the same once the baby comes.  I don't know how to get more sleep.  Before, I was sleeping about four hours at first, then waking up & sometimes going right back to sleep, sometimes taking 1-1&1/2 hrs. to get back to sleep, & sometimes just tossing & turning the rest of the night.  I've been getting up & eating breakfast with Guy, then going back to bed, sometimes having to read for up to an hour.  But lately it seems like I can't sleep any longer than 2 hrs.  I'm not sure why I wake up every time cause it's not always because of needing to go to the bathroom.  But when I go back to bed I just lay there thinking about everything and tossing and turning.  Sometimes I'll fall asleep for a little bit at a time & keep waking up, maybe getting another hour or so sleep, making a grand total of 3 hrs. per night.  I almost always go back to sleep after Guy leaves.  A few times I've had to read & it's been after 7:00 before I fell asleep again.  Then I usually wake up around 9:00, give or take 30 min.  I try to take a nap in the afternoon but I can't always fall asleep then either.  Sometimes I feel better if I've just laid down & relaxed & kind of drifted in & out.  Guy says he doesn't see how I do it, getting by on as little sleep as I do.  I tell him I don't know either.

     Anyway, Guy had mowed the yards cause we finally got the mower back from Sears.  He got the crib out of the storage shed to clean and decided he needed to clean out the whole shed.  (Made me think he had the nesting instinct.)  I had worked some in the front bedroom but felt like I'd done all I could manage by myself.  I just tried to relax on the couch & watch TV.  I did go out & watch Guy cleaning the shed for a little while.  Oh, I'd had a headache when I woke up during the night Friday & had taken some Tylenol.  It had gone away but started coming back after I was outside for awhile.  I took some more Tylenol while I was eating.  Guy took time out to come make sandwiches.  It was just before he came in that I started getting in that mood.  He could tell something was wrong but when he'd ask I'd say I didn't know.  Finally, he turned the sound off on the TV and said he wanted to know what was going on.  I started crying & just told him I didn't think I could do it - that having a baby was too hard and that I wouldn't have the energy to keep up with the baby.  He said I'm stronger than I think I am and I would be able to do it & I said no I'm not.  I forget what all else we said except that he asked if I thought it was a mistake to get pregnant & I said I didn't know and that it made me feel worse to feel like I don't want to have a baby when it's something we've wanted and tried for for so long.  He said everyone probably has their doubts at some point but that everyone makes it ok and we would too.  But that what he didn't understand was why I thought he wasn't going to help me in labor & delivery.  I didn't say it then but I'd said it before that I wasn't sure that he was going to be able to help me.  At the point I'd said that, was right after we started Lamaze classes and he didn't seem to be taking it seriously, and he'd make remarks about it whenever anyone asked about it.  Then he said it was because the girl who was the assistant instructor had taught the class & it wasn't too interesting as when Janice was teaching.  I agreed that she wasn't as good but felt like it was still important to pay attention to her.  I think we had another discussion along the same lines another time & I told him we weren't going to manage very well because we weren't practicing the breathing.  I think we did it that night & he told me to practice some on my own but it's too hard to keep my eye on a focal point & my watch at the same time.  He's always saying we'll practice more but we never do more than one or two nights in a row.  I know that just like anything else, the more you practice the better & more efficient you get.  I didn't see the sense in going through all this again so I just sat there & cried & he just went back outside acting like he was mad at me.

     I kind of dozed on the couch.  I'd turned the TV off.  But Chief kept whining to go out - he had to wait til the grass was dry cause after Guy cut it he sprayed weed & feed on it.  I finally got up & asked Guy if Chief could come out yet & he said ok.  I went out for a little bit & watched him.  He was cleaning the last part of the crib.  He said there was a lot of paint chipping off & he was thinking about just getting a new one.  That surprised me.  I told him I didn't think we could afford a new one & he said we could cash some more bonds.  I don't like that cause you have to pay taxes on the interest.  But with the baby we'll be able to take another deduction next year & that'll certainly be more than the interest we'll be getting.  We went ahead & set the crib up in the front bedroom.  It wasn't as complicated as I'd thought it would be.  It looks funny having a crib in there.  We still need to move the rest of the furniture around.

     There wasn't much good on TV last night so after Star Trek we finished catching up on tapes.  We'd intended on going to bed early cause of switching to daylight savings time but it was midnight DST by the time we did.  And we did practice breathing last night.

     I only slept about an hour & a half this afternoon.  All during church & after we got home it's like I was short of breath.  At least I was able to get sleep but I think I woke up because I couldn't breathe very well.  After I was up awhile I felt better.  But again in church tonight it was hard to breathe.  (I didn't even attempt to sing today.)  I was having a lot of Braxton-Hicks contractions during church but I got up to walk around at the invitation & they stopped.

     While I was waiting for Guy to fix sandwiches I got this pain on the right side of my stomach & called Guy.  The rest of my tummy wasn't hard though so it must not have been a contraction.  It was kind of along the line where the ligaments run so she was probably pressing on it & stretching it.