"[I'm] not sure I'm ready to be a mother..."

Mon, April 1, 1991

     Friday night we spent a couple of hours working in the front bedroom.  We got the baby's chest cleaned out.  I want to get some shelf paper to put in the drawers.  Guy said it would be ok to keep the regular chest for myself.  I'm supposed to work in there some today, sorting through some boxes of papers. Hopefully we'll be able to get the furniture rearranged and the crib set up by next weekend.

     Sat. was Michelle Forsythe & Bob Bridgeman's wedding.  I went at 9:00 for an appt. to get my hair done up in a french braid.  Actually, Guy took me.  It looked really nice.  The wedding was at 12:30 at Oceana CoC.  We'd wondered why they were having it there instead of at Granby.  I think it was because they had tapes of instrumental music and they don't allow that at Granby.  I'll try to remember to write about that later.

     The wedding was very nice.  The preacher was a professor from NE Christian Jr. College in PA.  I think Michelle went there before she went to Harding.  The baby was kicking me all through the ceremony so I guess she enjoyed it too. The reception was at the Radisson Hotel out toward the oceanfront. It was really nice, too. They had hors d'oeuvres available upstairs - we were able to find the elevator though. I only drank some punch cause I figured it wouldn't be that long before we ate. But they (the wedding party) didn't get there til nearly 2:30. It was a sit-down dinner in a large room downstairs. When we'd returned our RSVP card we'd had to mark our choice of chicken or roast beef. We picked chicken & it was very good. We had salads first. The chicken was served with wild rice and a vegetable mix of cauliflower, carrots, and zucchini and very nice rolls. There wasn't any tea though. They had water and then brought some sparkling cider for the toast. I wasn't looking forward to drinking water with my meal. Even if they'd had tea I couldn't have had it because of the caffeine. Then I spied someone getting some punch from a table on the far side of the room. So Guy went over there about 3-4 times - the glasses were pretty small.
     After we ate we mingled a little bit and they finally cut the cake. We didn't have any though. It looked like there was a layer of chocolate & a layer of white. We got to talk to Bob & Michelle for a little bit & said our goodbyes to her folks.

March 30, 1991

     We saw Rob Hardison on the way out & he said he'd mail the picture when he gets it done. I probably haven't written about that yet. Ever since he moved back here after graduating from Harding, I've been after him to let me look through his artwork and let me buy something to add to my collection of Harding art. But he'd always say he didn't have anything I'd like cause he didn't do "living room art." After their wedding, Gina went down to Atlanta to start training for her new job & he was staying here til this weekend. I talked to him after church one Sunday & told him if he wasn't taking all his art with him I was going to go over to his folks' house after he left & look through & pick something out. I forget what all we said back & forth but finally we settled on the idea of him doing something new that we could put in the baby's room. He asked if I remembered a certain picture in his folks' den & I kind of did. It was a watercolor of a tricycle, kind of impressionistic. I told him that would be nice. He said it wouldn't be a tricycle but something in a similar idea & style. I said ok. I also told him I was willing to pay him as long as it wasn't an arm & a leg, maybe an arm. He never really said anything about a price though. Gayle told me one Sun. that he'd started on it but stopped when Gina came back for a few days. Gina told me he was excited about doing it because he'd never had a special request before. I'm looking forward to seeing what he comes up with.
     Back to Sat., we stopped by K-Mart to leave the film to be developed cause we finished the roll at the reception. Then we went by the credit union to deposit my allotment in the ATM. Guy hadn't gotten home in time to take me Fri. aft. & I didn't want to have to go by myself and stand in line.
     I was tired when we finally got home and took a nap from about 5:30-6:45. It took me awhile to get fully awake. Guy fixed popcorn for us to have while we watched Star Trek. Then we watched tapes for awhile. When we went upstairs we taped my tummy to show the difference since the baby's dropped.
     I woke up in the middle of the night & went to the bathroom & couldn't go to sleep. I started thinking about everything and how I'm ready for this to be over with but not sure I'm ready to be a mother, about how hard it's going to be to deliver and wondering if I'm going to be able to do it or end up having a C-section. I just couldn't get comfortable & tossed & turned til Guy woke up. We talked awhile cause I started crying telling him all the things I was thinking. I remember saying I missed Mom & being able to have her helping me through this. He just kept telling me that everything would be ok, that I'll be able to make it through and he'll be right there the whole time to help me. I think I said something to the effect that I didn't know how he'd be able to help me very well with the breathing cause we weren't practicing enough. He said we would and last night we did. Hopefully we'll do it every night from now on.
     Last night we brought the video camera down and Guy taped me walking up & down the hall to show how I'm waddling now. I was only walking a little bit funny before but since the baby's dropped I can't put my legs close together to walk normally. I can hardly cross my legs wither. I thought I'd be able to breathe easier once the baby dropped but it doesn't seem to be much better. I had a coughing spell last night and it hurt both my sides at the waistline. They're sore today, especially the left side & especially when I cough. The place I hurt that we went to the emergency room for is doing a lot better. It doesn't hurt when I cough but it still aches some when I'm tired.
     I spent this morning recording some classical music off of records onto cassettes. I filled up an hour tape.

"We're just over 3 wks. away!"

Fri. March 29, 1991 (Part 4)

     Yesterday (3/28) I took it easy most of the day.  Guy had security duty again.  The Kennedy family & others came in and it was on TV all afternoon.  Guy ended up having to stay in the office all day.  He really hates that so he was in a dumpy mood when he got home about 6:30.

     Meanwhile, when I got up yesterday, Chief had ripped a ziploc back to shreds in the kitchen.  It was probably in the sack in front of the trash can where he could smell the scent of the food that had been in it and where he could reach it easily.  We've been keeping him in the kitchen most of the time at night & when we're gone since the carpet incident.  But I left him loose yesterday afternoon when I had to leave and when I got home there was stuff in the living room & hallway floor.  He had gotten some kleenex and candy wrappers out of the living room trash can and they were in shreds.  I was so mad at him.  I made him stay in his room, after letting him go potty, til Guy got home.  I left the mess so he could see what he'd done.  So, no more leaving him loose when we're gone or overnight for awhile.

     The appt. I had yesterday aft. was an interview with a pediatrician.  I found out at the Exp. Arms meeting that you have to have one to examine the baby before they'll discharge it from the hospital.  You also have to have notes about rooming in and to keep them from giving your baby any formula.

     I called the referral service at CHKD & they gave me four names.  I made appts. with two.  The other one is a week from Monday & is in College Park Shopping Center.  The one yesterday was at Tidewater Children's Associates, a group of five drs.  It's only 5 or so minutes away, right across from the 7-11 on Witchduck.  The appt. was for 4:45.  When I got there they gave me a bag full of literature, mostly about formula.  There were a lot of noisy kids there.  One of the drs. came out at one point to tell me they were behind because one of the drs. went home sick at lunch.  Most everyone was gone when he came out again at 5:45.  Instead of going to his office he sat down in the waiting room to talk. He told me how long each dr. has been there: from 4 yrs. to 30 something for the founder.  He said they all have the same basic ideas of practicing so we wouldn't get conflicting advice from each of them.  They have evening hours M-F as well as 9-5 for sick or well appts. They have Sat. morn. hrs. for sick only and April-Oct. they have Sun. aft. hrs. for sick only.  They come check on the baby the 1st morning after birth and every morning til you check out.  When I asked if they support breastfeeding he said they do & would work with you to help it work.  About rooming in he said that was fine if that's what you want but personally he thought you should only do it during the day so you can rest better at night.  But he said he wouldn't prevent you from rooming in around the clock.  I guess he answered all my questions ok.  Unless I really like the other drs. a lot better I'll probably go with these cause they're so close.  I just wish Guy could go with me & help decide.

     Lori called last night to see how I'm doing.  She said they've started looking at houses again but haven't put theirs on the market yet.

     When we got ready for our nightly ritual of Guy putting lotion on my tummy last night, it looked kind of different.  Instead of being rounded at the top it was kind of sunk in at the top and I looked wider.  When I stood up and looked in the mirror it looked like it was a little lower but sticking out more.  Guy thought so too.  So, she's apparently dropped.  I read in my books and they said that first babies usually drop 2-3 wks. before delivery.  By the official count we're just over 3 wks. away!

"I just cried & cried & cried."

Fri. March 29, 1991 (Part 3)

     Tues. aft. (3/26) I went to Cathy Rudolph's house for her breastfeeding class.  I'd been wanting to go the past couple of months.  She has it the 3rd Sat. morn. of each month.  One month I was sick & one month she or her boys were so sick she didn't have it.  So she said she'd give me a private class.  I was planning to go that week right after I hurt my muscle/rib but called her to see if we could do it this week & she said ok.  She'd loaned me a book from the LaLeche League & I read the first 7 chapters in that.  She gave me all the handouts she usually gives out and we went through the outline.  She had a doll to demonstrate how to hold the baby.  I was there from 1-3:15 so we covered a lot of information.  They have a really nice, roomy house in a nice neighborhood with a big front yard & a huge back yard.  She also gave me a couple of other books to read about parenting.

     Wed. (3/27) I had a 9:00 non-stress test & 9:30 appt. with Dr. Lehew.  (Dr. Rand had said the week before that he was taking some time off cause his wife had had her baby.  I'd heard that the week before & found out that his wife is the other nutritionist!)  I was hoping to see Dr. Puritz cause she's the only one I haven't seen yet.  But they said her appts. were full.  I'd like Dr. Lehew so that's who I asked for & he was open.

     Anyway, it was Bonnie who did the non-stress test this time.  She's nice.  I was late getting there so they'd already taken the next person.  So that made me late for the dr. & I guess they just worked me back in to the middle of the other patients.  So I was about an hour late to see him.  On those scales I had lost a pound but I think those scales had said less the other time I was on them.  (I left a message for Marian telling her that but she never called so I guess she's not worried about me.)

     Dr. Lehew said there was no change from last time.  I told him that Dr. Baker had said he'd be glad to be on standby when the baby comes.  He knows him.

     That afternoon I decided I wanted to go ahead and use the breast shields anyway.  Cathy had said to wash them in soapy water then boil them for five minutes.  So I washed them & put them on the stove.  I went back to the living room - I couldn't & still can't remember if I was letting Chief in or out, or just checking on my story.  But whatever, I just got myself comfortable on the couch and forgot all about them.  As near as I can tell, it was about 45 min. later when I heard this cracking noise coming from the kitchen.  I got up to go investigate and as I stood up I realized what it was so I ran in there.  All the water was gone from the pot and all the pieces were melted down flat and looked scorched in places.  I grabbed the pan off the burner & set it on one of the covers & turned the burner off and the exhaust fan on.  There wasn't any smoke but I could smell the scorched smell a little.  I was so upset.  I just cried & cried & cried.  Guy had called to say he should be home about 2:30 so I was waiting & wanting him to be home right then.  I had calmed down some by the time he did get home by watching the rest of my story I'd taped Mon. & Tues.  But when I started trying to explain it to him I just started crying again & couldn't stop.  Part of it was that they weren't mine, they were Cathy's, and I didn't know her well enough to know how she'd react; I was scared to tell her; it was scary to think I could have set the house on fire; I felt so stupid for doing it  Guy just held me for awhile & told me I wasn't stupid and said he'd call Cathy & tell her what happened and that we'd pay her for them.  She wasn't home & he left a message on the machine.  But she didn't call back til Thu. morning.  I'll tell about that later.

     After I started feeling better I went with Guy to get a new headlight for the truck & some wipers too.  Chief & I sat out front and watched.  The wipers were the wrong size so he'll have to take them back.

     Our Lamaze class met at the hospital that night.  We got to go in a labor/delivery/recovery room.  It's a lot different than I had pictured.  It doesn't look like an operating room but more like a regular room.  There's a special bed that looks pretty regular, a regular chair, a rocking chair, a place for them to clean & check the baby, a bathroom with a shower, a TV.  There are outlets behind the bed for oxygen & everything and around the partition are the closet and shelves full of medical supplies & equipment.  If you have to have a c-section they wheel you to an operating room.  Otherwise you stay in this room for at least an hour after delivery before going to a regular room.  You're allowed one other visitor besides your husband during labor & delivery.  I don't know if I want anyone else there for the actual delivery but maybe sometimes during labor.  We'll see.

     After we finished the tour we all walked over to Jenkins Hall, a long walk, where we'd gone for the memorial service in November.  We went in a classroom & Janice talked some and had us practice the pattern paced breathing.  We divided into groups and had to come up with a list of things that mother can do for herself and things that father can do for her.  She had asked us each for a number from one to ten & added them up.  That was the number of things we had to think of.  It took awhile but we did it.  My group had 3 men & 3 women.  Guy was the only man in his group.  After that we watched a tape about three different couples going through labor & delivery.  None of them had any complications and all of them had boys.  We were late getting out of there. 

To Be Continued...

"I don't want to do that much all at once any more."

Fri. March 29, 1991 ( Part 2)

     Sun. 3/24 was the Annual Potluck for Singles & A. Families.  It was nice not being in charge of it this time.  They didn't publicize it very much this time & there wasn't a very big turnout - maybe 30 people or so.  Mark wasn't even there, he had to leave right after church for a lectureship in Philadelphia.  Herky said a few words at the end & asked Guy if he wanted to say anything.  He said something about each of them (singles) being able to make a difference, especially after leaving here & going to other places.  It was a good little speech.

     Gabrielle & Chris didn't get to stay for the dinner - they were going house hunting.  She still says she wants to be our single.

     Guy had Mon. aft. off (3/25) because of having duty Tues.  We went shopping.  First we took the lawn mower to Sears for a preventive maintenance service.  They said it would take 1-1 1/2 wks.  We went to Kmart & got me a nightgown that has buttons on the shoulders so it'll be easy to nurse with it, and a snap-front housecoat - both pink.  We went to Sears & I got another nursing bra & some more hose & panties & a nursing gown.  We looked at shoes cause I wanted some flats that were bone.  The only bone ones I have are too high to wear now.  They didn't have anything in the right combination of color, style, & size.  So we went out into the mall.  No one really had a good selection of bone colored shoes.  They're mostly white & colors.  We finally found something close enough at Payless.  They're more taupe than bone but they'll do ok I think.  I was going back & forth between size 6 1/2 & 7 & finally decided to get the 7s and got insoles so the left one will fit better.

     I think Farm Fresh is the only other stop we made.  Oh, we looked for Chief a boodabone at the pet store but they cost $16!

     I was tired when we got home & told Guy I don't want to do that much all at once any more.

      

To Be Continued...

"He said I had dilated one centimeter & he could feel the baby's head. That took me by surprise."

Friday, March 29, 1991 (Part 1)

     Guy didn't get there til I was waiting in the exam room.  He was still in his camouflage cause they took so long he didn't want to take time to change.

     Dr. Rand did a pelvic & it kind of hurt.  He said I had dilated one centimeter & he could feel the baby's head.  That took me by surprise.  I asked if that meant the baby was engaged & he said she wasn't.  We didn't get to go in his office & talk to him afterward as usual so I didn't think of all these questions til we were home.  Guy had seen a little blood on Dr. Rand's glove after examining me or I would've panicked when there was some spotting I noticed once we got home.

     I was supposed to see Marian McCoy next & she came out & said she didn't have to see me since I'd gained so much weight.  She said to just let her know if I didn't gain at least 1/2 lb. a week now.

     I called Barb to let her know she didn't have to come back to pick me up.

     Fri. 3/22 I went to the second meeting for Expectant Arms.  It was just me & Cathy & Margaret again.  I don't remember what all we talked about but I asked them about the dilating since they've both had babies before and they said it was nothing to worry about.  So I felt better after that.

     I wore the jumpsuit I'd made & felt like I was wearing a clown outfit.  All it needed was some giant pom-pons down the front.  Cathy said she'd made the same thing & it was too big for her too.  It would fit better if I took the shoulder seams up but that would be a hassle since it's lined.  It doesn't look like I'll get the clothes made from the fabric I bought at the last sale.  I can make regular clothes for after the baby.  I need to get the rest of baby's stuff done.  I washed & dried the fabric for that this morning.

     Sat. 3/23 we spent the afternoon working in the front bedroom.  We made a lot of progress but I was pooped by about 5-5:30.  I took a nap for about 1 1/2 hrs. before we had supper.  We got a lot of boxes ready to go in the attic, except for taping them up.  We put my fabric scrap boxes in the closet.  I got all but one shelf of the bookcase cleared and two drawers of the chest emptied.  We cleared the space in front of the left window.  But there's still a lot to do.

     That morning Guy had scrubbed the crib mattress.  It looks a lot better so I think it'll be ok.  That's about $35 saved.  We need to tape over a couple of rips & then put a cover over it.  We got that when we went shopping Mon. But I'm jumping ahead. 

     I think Sat. night was when I took the last of the Tylenol-3 so I could get a good night's sleep.  My back still bothers me some, mostly when I'm tired.  It doesn't hurt to where I need to hold it when I cough at least.

To Be Continued...