"I hope that guy gets the book thrown at him."

Thursday, Sept. 20, 1990

     Nancy called me this morning.  I was surprised to hear from her & figured she was calling to tell me she's pregnant.  But she said she had bad news.  She said Vivian (Hay) Totty had been in a car accident last week & died yesterday morning.  She & Sandra were on their way home from Searcy and had crossed over the White River Bridge.  They were on the curve near the grain bins when a driver came over in their lane.  She said at first everyone thought he was trying to pass another car going that way but the driver of that car said it looked like he was leaning over & not paying attention.  But then he apparently saw he was on the wrong side and tried to go on across to the other shoulder to get out of the way.  But he hit not straight head-on, but head-on on the right (passenger) side.  Nancy said she didn't know what kind of car they'd had but the guy was in a pickup.  Maybe the worst part of all is that Sandra was driving.  I had just gotten a letter from Vivian a couple of weeks ago & she said Sandra was going into the 9th grade.  So she's probably 15 & has had her learner's permit for a year or so.  Her legs were hurt but not broken.  They both had on their seatbelts but it apparently didn't help Vivian.  I can't remember what all Nancy said was broken but the worst thing was her head injury.  They had to pry the vehicles apart and cut to get Vivian out.  She was in the hospital at Searcy for a day.  When her brain began to swell they took her to LR.  They were able to drain fluid but it kept swelling or swelled again.  She was in a coma the whole time & never woke up.  I don't know if she died on her own or they disconnected her from machines.  But she apparently never really had a chance. 
     Nancy heard that the guy is from Bald Knob, is either 17 or 19, and has been arrested more than once for drunk driving.  She wasn't sure if he was drunk this time.  I guess he's ok cause she didn't mention him having to go to the hospital.
     Sandra is going to have a really hard time with this I'm sure.  Nancy sai she'd heard that she said maybe if Vivian was driving they wouldn't have had the accident.  But who knows.  They could've both died.  Whenever something like this happens you always wonder 'what if' and ask 'why'?  Just like when we lost the baby.  And it's so frustrating to have no answers. 
     I sent Vivian a birthday card in July for the first time in years.  We hadn't written to each other for a long, long time but had started again since this past xmas.  It makes you wonder about how come all of a sudden we decide to do certain things.  I just know I'm glad that we had begun writing again and especially glad I sent her that BD card.
     I called Guy at his class to tell him & he said we'd go to the florist when he got home to send some flowers.  Nancy had told me the funeral is Sat. at 2 at the funeral home in Augusta.  We went over to Farm Fresh and I was surprised at how much funeral arrangements cost.  Guy said not to worry about the cost. 
     I sent sympathy cards to Vivian's parents.  I had to call Nancy to check on their address.  I used my whole name on their card so hopefully they'll remember who I am.
     Nancy said she sent flowers from the class.  I asked if she needed help paying for that.  She said she'd talked to Eva Rose - there was money left over from our reunion. 
     It's just so sad to think that someone you know is ok one minute and gone the next.  And leaving two children behind that her husband will have to raise alone now.  I think of the fun times we had in high school.  And when I played the piano at their wedding, I started playing the final march when they started kissing instead of waiting til they started walking down the aisle.  It's just so sad to think she's gone.  I hope she didn't feel all the pain she was in.  And I hope that guy gets the book thrown at him.
     I didn't sleep well last night.  I was having a bad dream & it seemed to continue every time I went back to sleep.  I couldn't get to sleep again after Guy left.  Mon. & Tues. it was because Chief yapped.  Yesterday it was because Chief knocked over the end table.  This morning it was the dream.  Every morning I didn't get back to sleep til 7 then slept til 10.  But I can't do that tomorrow cause they're supposed to come do the termite inspection anywhere from 8-noon tomorrow.
     Guy's supposed to be finished with his school at 10 in the morning.  He wants to go to a movie tomorrow aft. then we have the Singles fellowship here tomorrow night.  So I'm going to be a tired puppy tomorrow unless I can sleep good tonight.

"I should've kept my mouth shut."

Mon. Sept. 17, 1990

     Carole was at church last night & I asked her about my losing 2 lbs.  She said it's not uncommon to lose a little in the beginning but to try not to loose too much.  She said to eat milkshakes with a raw egg mixed in - that you can't taste the egg.  Guy said he'll get me some ice cream.  He'd already mentioned making me milkshakes.
     Chief woke me up this morning right after Guy turned off the shower.  I was still awake when he came out so I went downstairs.  He fixed me a piece of cinnamon toast.  After he left I read a little while & went back to sleep.  While he was fixing the toast I laid down on the couch & covered all up so Chief couldn't get to me.  But he came and started scratching and pulling on the afghan.  I started hollering but he wouldn't stop so I started to holler for Guy but I started crying & couldn't hardly talk so I didn't think he'd hear me so I was crying more.  But he did hear me & came & spanked Chief & made him go to his room.  He asked what he did & I told him he'd scratched my nose.  He said it only looked like a little red spot & I said it was through the afghan so it wasn't too bad, but I couldn't get him to stop.  I'm really not sure why I was crying cause it didn't really hurt that much.
     Anyway, I was only awake about an hour but I'd been up til almost 11:30 watching the Emmys.  I didn't wake up til about 9:15.  I didn't hear Chief til I had to open the door to go get my nebulizer.  He did ok once I got downstairs.  He kept wanting to go outside & I could tell he needed to poop but he never would til the 3rd time.  It's a lot cooler today so I had to get my sweater to go out with him.  I spent the rest of the morning through part of my story working on my family letter.  For awhile he laid down by me & slept.  When I went to get sandwich meat for lunch, it had started turning so that turned my appetite off.  Later I defrosted a weiner & had that & some chips.  I'd taken an orange out but never got around to eating it.  I don't know if that's why I developed a headache or not.  But I first noticed it after I finished my letter & ate and sat down to watch my story.  It kind of came & went.  I put Chief up when it was over and came up to take a shower.  Guy said for me to be ready at 3:00 so we could go straight to the library to return out books cause he'd have a lot of homework to do.  I didn't notice my headache again til I got out of the shower.  Guy got home about 10 til 3, just as I was putting my shoes on.  We went to look for another book I wanted before but they still didn't have it.  I rechecked one on nutrition.
     By the time we got home my headache was worse & steady.  Guy took Chief for a walk & I started to lay down but decided to do books instead.  My headached didn't bother me while I was doing that but started again after I finished.  I laid down on the couch & Guy started his homework.  The TV was bothering me but Guy wanted it on so I thought if I just laid still long enough it would go away.  Chief was chewing one of his sticks over by Guy & I told him to warn me if he headed my way.  I guess I laid there for almost 1 & 1/2 hours.  I don't think I really slept cause I heard the TV the whole time.  Then all of a sudden Chief jumped on me & it scared me so bad.  I jumped, I guess it took my breath away.  Guy said he hadn't even heard Chief get up.  He had asked me earlier if I wanted to take something. I told him I'd like to get by without having to.  I don't know if it had gone away but it was definitely back after Chief scared me.  I asked Guy to get me some Tylenol.  He asked why didn't I go upstairs. I said I didn't think I could make it up the stairs & hoped I could just lay still & it would go away.  He said I needed quiet instead of the TV going.  I came up here at 6:30 & he said he'd get me up in about an hour for supper.  I didn't go to sleep but my head did feel better when he came for me.  I just took it easy the rest of the evening.  My head hasn't bothered me any more.  Guy said it was probably because I didn't eat enough today.  I said I ate just as little a couple of days last week & didn't get a headache.  It's funny though - just yesterday I mentioned that I haven't been getting headaches like last time.  I should've kept my mouth shut.  Hopefully I can sleep through the night & Chief (or Guy) won't wake me up in the morning. 

"...it was a bit alarming to me when I weighed yesterday & discovered I've lost 2 lbs. since last week."

Sunday, September 16, 1990

     I kind of feel like I've been going downhill since we saw the dr. last week.  Every day it seems like I'm more & more tired.  I didn't go out at all on out usual Saturday errands.  Guy ran the errands and did the housework and took care of the meals too.  I spent most of the day either in bed or on the couch.  So I should have gotten plenty of rest.  It didn't seem to last very long.  I even took a nap for about 2 hrs.  I guess the worst part is eating.  Most of the time, nothing appeals to me.  And the longer I do eat something the worse I  feel.  I just feel like I'm stuffed up to my throat and can't swallow another bite.  It does help somewhat when I don't have to prepare it myself.  But sometimes it's the food itself.  Like last night we had leftovers of taco pie and mixed veg. casserole.  I couldn't stand to even try the casserole & had to make myself eat half the taco pie.  The only thing I finished was my tomatoes.  Then a few minutes later I decided I wanted some cereal - Nut & Honey Crunch.  He said that proved that I wasn't really full but just had had enough of whatever I was eating.  I guess that's right.  Some foods don't sound or taste good at all, some taste good at first & then I can't eat too much, and some don't bother me at all.  But the only thing I can think of right now that doesn't bother me at all is Cheerios.
     And it was a bit alarming to me when I weighed yesterday & discovered I've lost 2 lbs. since last week.  That does worry me.  Guy said we'll try to make up for them this week.  He's going to get some ice cream to make me milk shakes.
     Like I said, it's a little easier when I don't have to fix it myself.  It's just so hard to fix breakfast in the morning and even worse when I start thinking about what to fix for lunch.  I know it was like this last time but I don't remember it being this bad or if it was still like this up until when I  lost the baby.  I just hope I can get over it soon.

"I just know the next few weeks will be hard."

Wed. Sept. 12, 1990

     We went to have the ultrasound & see Dr. Levy today.  Guy had to meet me there.  They did the ultrasound first.  She said the size looked right for the length of pregnancy & said it was 7 1/2 weeks.  She said she saw some kind of shadow and asked if anyone ever mentioned the possibility of a double uterus.  That took me by surprise.  I said no, then later remembered & told her that I'd had a laparoscopy done & he would've told me then if I did.  I told her that I was told it leans to the left but she didn't seemed concerned about that.  She also said she saw some kind of canal.  I didn't understand what she called it.  I asked if that was bad & she said no.  We did see the heartbeat.  It didn't look the same as last time.  Instead of looking like a blip going off & on, it was definitely a regular beat.  She said she wanted to do a vaginal ultrasound to see if that shadow might be another baby.  So I went to the bathroom & she did that.  She said there was only one.  Then she went back to the regular one to look at my ovaries.  I think she measured one cyst still left from the ovulation.  She didn't say much about that.  She gave us two pictures but didn't write any cute sayings on them like the girl did the last time.  That was ok with me.
     Then we went to talk to that nurse, Marilyn.  I'd told Guy I was going to say something to her if I didn't lose my nerve, about her telling me to wait in a roomful of pregnant women after I lost the baby.  But I did lose my nerve & didn't mention it.  But I couldn't look her in the eye either.  After all the questions, we had to go back to the waiting room for awhile before she took us back to see Dr. Levy.  He said we'd met before & I told him we'd only seen Dr. Sayegh and Dr. Warsof last time.  He looked over my records & then said that they wouldn't be our doctors this time.  I'd already found out that Dr. Warsof & the young dr. had left & because only the 2 of them were left they only took patients on referral.  But now he was saying they don't do regular OB care from the beginning of pregnancy, only when another dr. refers someone to them because of a problem that's developed.  I asked "so what are we supposed to do now?"  He said he would refer us to another pair of drs. who deal with high-risk pregnancies, Dr. Rand & Dr. Pruitz.  He said there are other drs. in their group but the two of them work only on high-risk cases.  He also said something about genetic counseling & I said why cause we'd done that before.  I don't remember what he said but Guy told him we didn't need to go over all the same thing again.  I was just kind of in shock cause I felt like we were being deserted.  I do remember saying something about where are these OB's who took care of the CF women who had babies that Dr. Rubio kept talking about.  He was asking about my CF dr. & I told him Dr. Lazarus just left so I'll be getting a new one.  He didn't act too pleased about that.  Anyway, he had Marilyn call & get us an appt. with Dr. Rand.  She said they had offices at Medical Tower (next to Norf. Gen) and Kempsville.  We said K.ville.  Then she had me get on the phone to make the appt. & when I asked for directions I found out it's K.ville Rd. in Norf. by Leigh Mem. Hosp., not our K.ville.  It's still closer though.  The appt. is Mon. the 24th at 1 pm.  I hope Guy will be able to go with me.  It'll be his first day back at work after this 2wk school so they may not let him off.
     I was hoping I'd feel better after having the ultrasound & seeing the dr.  I'm glad to know that the baby's ok so far.  But so was the first one.  I still feel like everyone is abandoning us & we're left to face this on our own.  I keep thinking it was the flu shot that caused the miscarriage but part of me says what if it wasn't that? It could happen again.  I just know the next few weeks will be hard.

"...he was a real starvin' Marvin."

Monday, Sept. 10, 1990

     Guy didn't have to stay & work all day Sat.  I was glad he was able to come home & get some sleep.  He slept til almost 2:00.  But he was still tired so we didn't really get anything done.  I had read the newspaper while he was sleeping til Chief started getting restless sometime around noon.  I realized he'd eaten before Guy went in for his 4AM watch so he was a real starvin' Marvin.  I stayed downstairs with him til Guy got up.  We ate lunch & Guy spent some time with Chief while I went upstairs to read a little before getting ready.  We were supposed to go to the Bates' at 5:30 for a small group meeting.  And it was a small group.  Besides us & the Bates it was the Belews, the Dildays & David Sims.  Lawrence did a short devotional and they ordered pizza.  They decided we'd send care packages to Wade S. & Mark Wallace who are out to sea.  We're supposed to take stuff to Barbara by next Sun.  Our group also hosted the visitors dinner Sun. morning.  There were 45 new singles there, all guys.  One of them said he's only here a few weeks.  One of them knows Rory Roberts - he's from Murfreesboro, AR too.  Rory left the Navy just a few months after we started the Singles Group.  Maggie Dossett had told us 2-3 years ago that Rory had gotten married.  This guy (I think his name is Howard) said that Rory's wife was in a car accident and died a couple of weeks later.  I don't know when that was though.  Guy talked to him, not me.  It's weird but it's kind of like the closer we get to giving up the Singles Group, the more I think I'm going to miss it.  Even though I know how aggravating they can be and how much time it takes.  We have made some good friends in the group & I guess I'm afraid they won't ever speak to us again if we aren't the sponsors.  I guess if that happens they really weren't good friends after all.  It is going to take a bit of getting used to not being involved and having to check on & worry about things.  I told Linda I hope she doesn't get stuck with all the paperwork like I did, or was Mark going to let Anita & Dianna do all that.  She said that's probably what he'll do.  She & Mark both talk like they're looking forward to it.  That's good cause the group needs someone who's got some enthusiasm, like we did when we first started.  But after six years most anybody's likely to run out of that. 

"...I thought garter snakes were green."

Friday, Sept. 7, 1990

     Today was a long day.  Mrs. Gibbs & the new girl on the other side of us woke me up at 7:45 to tell me there was a snake on the porch.  It was over by the garden hose but Mrs. Gibbs said it had been at the other end by her porch when she left to take her daughter to school.  The girl said she thought they should warn me so I'd be careful to watch for it when I came out.  I didn't tell them I wasn't planning to go out at all today.  I just said I guessed that was my snake for the summer cause I usually see one snake every summer.  I didn't remember til later that one I saw in the back yard that spring.  The girl said she hadn't seen any since she'd been here but she'd be watching for them now.  When I came in (I didn't go out, I just had the door open) I let Chieft out & back in then looked out the kitchen window to see if it was still there.  It was crawling off the porch into the bushes.  Mrs. Gibbs was standing in the yard watching it and asked the garbage man that was getting the girls garbage if they knew anything about snakes.  He came over & she showed it to him & he said it was just a garter snake - it wasn't poisonous but you still wouldn't want to get bitten by it.  Mrs. Gibbs just stood there for a few seconds after the garbage man left.  I didn't look for it any more cause I couldn't see it once it got in the mulch.  And since I didn't plan on going out, it didn't bother me.  I told Guy about it when he called & told him I thought garter snakes were green.  He said that's garden snakes.  Anyway, he said he didn't see it when he got home, but that was after 8:30 so it was already dark.  Hopefully it's long gone & there won't be any more.
     I went ahead and fed Chief and ate then came back to bed.  First I watched the tape of my story from yesterday then slept for a little over an hour.  I take that back.  I didn't have to feed Chief cause Guy fed him before he left.  I think I did my medicine first when I came back up.  Anyway I got up a little before 11, took a shower and spent the rest of the day downstairs.  Chief was out of his room most of the day.  Except for awhile after he peed on the carpet.  I couldn't believe he did it - it's been a couple of weeks since he's done that.  He'd been chewing on some of his stuff and had gone to get another piece, brought it & laid it down & just started peeing.  I hollered at him & he ran to his room & I followed him and gave him a spanking and a lecture.  I don't know why he didn't let me know he needed to go.  He did for the rest of the day.
     Guy had duty & thought he'd be able to get off at 6:00 but didn't get off til 8:00.  So I had supper about ready when he got home.  After eating he took the meat off the chicken I'd put in the crock pot.  He did Chief's eyedrops & medicine and played with him for a couple of minutes before we came up.  He has the 4-8 watch in the morning & has to be there at 3:30 so he's planning to get up at 2:00.  I'm watching TV while I'm writing this.  I've got it down low & it doesn't seem to be bothering him.  Hopefully he'll be able to come home in the morning.  There may be a reservist coming in.  If she doesn't show up by 9:00 he can come home.  If she does come in he'll have to stay til 3:30.  Same story Sunday except for the watch.  I hope she doesn't show up.
     I did a little work on the word processor this afternoon, updating some stuff and starting to think about all the things we need to turn over to Mark & Linda.  In case I haven't written about it before, we told the deacon over us, in May, that we wanted to stop sponsoring the Singles Group in October.  We figured that would be plenty of time for them to quietly find a couple to replace us.  The elders started asking around so word got out but the only person that said anything to me about it was Dianna.  She said she tried to talk Charlie into doing it but he doesn't want to.  But Linda Pugh told Guy they were thinking about doing it.  I think it's almost "official" that they'll be doing it.  The fellowship this month will be at our house so we can 'announce' it and tie up any loose ends.  I need to write something for them to put in Young Light.  It'll come out on the 30th so that'll work out just right. 

'how can anyone think an abortion isn't killing a baby?'

Thu. Sept. 6, 1990

     Things have been going along fairly well.  Guy didn't have to work last weekend but he might this weekend if there are any reservists coming in.  But he'll have to go in Sat morning to find out.  Friday is his regular duty day.  So he's got this aft. off.  We'll probably spend it running errands.
     For about a week now it's been where I have to force myselft to eat sometimes.  It's like once I begin thinking about fixing a meal or eating.  I start feeling nauseous.  And I guess the tiredness is starting to set in.  There have been a few times when I had trouble getting to sleep.  One morning I woke up at 2:30 and didn't go back to sleep til after Guy left - I went ahead & ate breakfast with him and he fed Chief.  And yesterday & today he fed Chief before he left so I was able to sleep later.  That's helped I think.
     I called nurse Kathy Friday & she said she thought she'd told me she was leaving.  She said she was ready for a change and might even go back to school.  My new nurse is Tricia Benson.  Kathy described her to me but I'm still not sure who she is.  It'll be awhile before I see her since we're doing the weekly shots ourselves.  I hope she's nice & easy to talk to. 
     Friday we got a thank you note from Betty Martin for the cross-stitch magnet I made & gave to her the last time she was at the Empty Arms meeting.  I'd been putting off calling her to tell her about being pregnant but decided to go ahead & do it.  I called her office but got the answering machine.  With it being a holiday weekend I thought she might not call back til Tues. but I'd forgotten about it by then.  She called Tues aft. after Guy got home.  I talked to her about 20 minutes or so.  I hadn't intended to really 'get into things' with her but as she said, she was glad to shed some light my way.  I told her we'd decided to tell Kathy & Brigette after the meeting last week but didn't after Larissa dropped her bombshell at the last minute.  She's a young black girl who lost twin girls at about 5 months I think, a couple of months ago.  She said she'd been going through some old things and discovered that the date she lost her twins was the same date she'd had an abortion six years ago and now she felt so guilty about it & thought that she lost the twins as punishment for the abortion.  She said a lot more than that but that's the basics.  Everyone gasped and started crying when she first said it.  At first I thought 'that's awful that it happened on the same date.' Then the more she talked the more the feelings came out about 'how can anyone think an abortion isn't killing a baby?'  She said that since coming to the group she realizes that's what she did when she had an abortion and she felt even worse when she knew that people tried so hard to get pregnant & couldn't and that people lose babies at that point (11 weeks) and it's really a baby they lose.
     Before that all happened, Ann had gotten out a model of a 12-week old fetus.  She had mentioned it before but I think something another couple said made her dicide to go ahead & get it out.  I just saw it out of the corner of my eye.  I told her I didn't want to look at it - and it was bigger than I expected it to be, maybe 4" long.  That made me wonder more than ever how come I didn't know when it happend (her miscarriage a year prior).  Guy looked at it but he didn't say anything then or afterward (since then) about it so I don't know what he thought or felt about it. 
     Ann called me the next day to see if I'd been upset by that and/or what Larissa said.  I told her I was at the time but was better.  She said she'd been as shocked as everyone else when Larissa said all that.  She stayed & talked to her some afterwards but Ann said Larissa is going to need a lot of help to work through this.
     Something else was new at that meeting.  Bill, the chaplain, isn't with the group any more.  He announced at the previous meeting (which we missed cause Guy had to work late) that he was leaving.  Ann said that his wife was working & living somewhere in NC (she said where but I can't remember) for the past two years & she thinks he probably quit so he could keep his marriage together.  I don't know if they'll send another one.
     Also, there were several books that they bought with the money that the graduating nurses class donated to the group.  They're to be checked out only by members attending the group.  I checked out one called Still to be Born.  It's about going through a pregnancy after losing a baby.  A lot of stuff it says are things I've been thinking and feeling.  I've asked Guy to read it but he hasn't read anything else I've asked him to read so he probably won't read this either, especially since I have to turn it back in on Mon.

My mom and dad went to a group made up of people that had either lost babies through miscarriage or had trouble getting pregnant.

"What I want to know is when does all this 'man's best friend' stuff start?"

Thu. August 30, 1990

     I thought that now that all the ships were gone things would slow down at work for Guy.  But he called at 3:15 to say he was fixing to go over to a ship & don't be surprised if I didn't see him tonight.  I said 'at all?' & he said yes, that this job had to be done by Tues. and he wants to do everything he can to keep from having to work this weekend.  Sometimes I feel like he might as well be on a ship as much as he has to work overtime.  Then we wouldn't have to be in the hole at the end of every month.
     But I think the worst part of him having to work late it that we just don't have any time to be alone.  Not that we ever are alone any more now that Chief is here.  It's like having permanent company.  He just wants so much attention  What I want to know is when does all this 'man's best friend' stuff start?  We have so many arguments about him it makes me wonder if that's what it's going to be like if we have kids.  I just get so tired of Chief during the day that I depend on Guy taking over of taking care of him when he gets home.  So when he has to work late it's like I have to do double duty.  And I don't think Chief feels any better about it than I do.  He misses Guy when he's late and is always glad to see him, whatever time he gets home.  Guy plays rougher with him so he has more fun with him anyway.  That'll probably make it worse once Guy goes back to sea.  But Guy says Chief will be grown by then and be calmer.  I hope so, especially if we do have this baby.  I don't think I could take care of both by myself if Chief was the way he is now.
     Now that Guy's going to be working most if not all of the evening I have to decide what I'm going to do if Chief lets me have any peace & quiet.  Sometimes when I find out Guy's going to be late it just upsets me so much that I don't feel like doing anything.  Sometimes it makes me mad & I feel like I need to do something physical like wash dishes or mop the floor.  But he did the dishes last night & said he'd mop this weekend.  He's already taken over cleaning the bathroom.  He said the only things he wants me to take care of is the ccooking and the laundry.  I've just been doing the bare minimum of both.  I'm so afraid of overdoing things.  Although I am tired some, the real tiredness hasn't hit me yet.  I think Tues. was the first day when I felt like I had to force myself to eat.  When I do eat what I feel should be a good amount for me, I feel a little stuffed.  But it's not as bad yet as it was the last time.
     I think I'll take Chief for a walk & go get the mail.

At this time, Dad worked in the navy and was stationed in Virginia Beach.  Mom didn't have a job, so that's why she was always home alone and got upset when he had to work late.

"If it was an act, she's really good at it..."

Wed. Aug. 29, 1990

     I was supposed to call my nurse, Kathy, if I hadn't heard from her by Tuesday.  I called about 10:45 this morning & I think it was the receptionist who answered & said she wasn't in this morning.  I asked if she'd be in this aft. & she said no, in fact she wouldn't be with them much longer.  So I explained why I was calling and she said she'd have Susan find out what was going on and call me back.  So I waited all day and finally at 4:30 I couldn't stand it so I called.  Susan answered.  She hadn't even gotten my message from this morning.  I asked her if I was supposed to come in every week for blood work and she said no.  She said she'd have to check on the results of the one last Friday & call me tomorrow.  She asked what test they were supposed to do & I said I didn't know.  She said it was probably a repeat pregnancy test.  I don't know why  I didn't ask her if that means I might not really be pregnant.  I guess I really didn't think of that til afterwards.  I asked her was it true Kathy was leaving & she said yes her last day is Friday.  This Friday.  Day after tomorrow Friday. 
     I can't believe she's leaving and didn't even mention it last week.  She's the one I trusted most of all and now she's leaving.  I feel like she's deserting me and now there's no one there who cares about us or how I'm doing.  Now that I think about it, what if she's not just leaving but she was fired for doing something wrong?  It is kind of strange for her to be leaving all of a sudden, especially in the middle of everything.  When they said not much longer I figured they meant at the end of this series which is the middle of next month.  Don't nurses have to give a 2 wks notice like everyone else?  I just can't believe she'd just leave without saying something.  She always acted like she really cared and was really interested & now I don't know if that was real or all just an act.  If it was an act, she's really good at it.

My mom had trust issues sometimes...

I was 'supposed' to be born April 27!

Wednesday, August 22, 1990

     The extreme tiredness hasn't set in yet but I think I'm tireder than I would be if it wasn't for Chief (our dog at that time).  Sometimes I just resent him so much and feel like if I lose this baby it'll be because of him.  I get so tired of his constant need for attention.  And his whining whenever we leave the room.  But now he's added yapping to his whining, mostly right after Guy leaves in the morning.  I'd been going down and hollering then spanking him but it was just too much going up & down the stairs.  So this morning I decided to just ignore him.  He did it for about 10 minutes & quit, then about 10 minutes later, as I was about to get back to sleep, he started in again for about 5 minutes.  But by then I couldn't get back to sleep.  I tried reading for awhile but never did go to sleep.  I didn't hear him any more til about 7:30.  I was planning on getting up at 8:00 so I went ahead & got up.  But this time I fixed & ate my breakfast before giving him his.  Of sourse I had to keep hollering at him to stop whining while I was eating.  I played with him some before coming back upstairs, about 9:30.  After I did my medicine I read a little more & went to sleep for almost and hour & a half.  He did better this afternoon.  I keep telling Guy that Chief is probably still messed up from Janice & Tim (my aunt and uncle) being here and then Guy having to work late all last week plus having duty weekend.  I hope that's what it is and that once we've been back to normal for a couple of weeks he won't be so bad.  But what if it doesn't get any better?  I remember how tired I was last time & how I slept most of the afternoon besides about 10 hours every night.  So if I neglect Chief to be sure I get enough rest he'll be whining & yapping all the time and I won't be able to get any rest anyway.  I just don't know how I'm going to handle it.

     Guy said all he wants me to do around the house is the cooking & the laundry.  I've had a hard enough time keeping up with that.

     I went in yesterday for a consultation with the OB.  I guess I should back up some.  Friday I was supposed to go in & see Kathy for instructions.  When I got there Susan said Kathy was gone to see her sister who just had her baby. (She's told me last week she was due last Sun. & she'd be taking time off whenever it was)  So Susan said Dr. Acosta would see me.  That surprised me since I hadn't seen him at all since April  He asked questions about all the dates & at what point the miscarriage was.  He said he wanted me to continue the progesterone suppositories (I think) then get the weekly shots.  Then he surprised me by saying he wanted me to the the obstetrician this week.  Susan was there when we came out of the office & he told her what all to do.  I was confused between what she said & what he'd said but decided they were talking about the same thing.  She gave me two shots though and said the one besides the weekly one was progesterone like the suppositories but she was giving me it because it takes awhile to get through your system & it needed to be overlapped with the suppositories instead of being a gap from them to the time the shot would take effect.  I had just the right amount of supp's left too.  She called & mad the appt. at Maternal Fetal Medicine & they had her tell me to drink 32 oz before coming in - for an ultrasound. 

     Guy wasn't able to go with me.  When the ultrasound girl called me back she asked all these questions first & then said she'd been told I was further along than that.  Then she went to talk to Dr. Sayegh and came back & said they'd have to do a vaginal ultrasound because they wouldn't be able to see anything with a regular one.  So after drinking all that milk & juice & water! I had to go to the bathroom before they could do it.  What a waste! The girl kept saying not to be disappointed or worried if she couldn't see anything cause she probably wouldn't be able to cause I was so early.  So I said "then why are we doing this?" She said because Dr. Acosta wanted it.  That didn't make sense to me cause I was listening when Susan called to make the appt. and she didn't ask for an ultrasound appt., she asked for a consultation appt. (I called her later & she said that the ultra. was supposed to be part of the consultation) So, the girl did the ultra. & said she saw a spot but she couldn't tell anything for sure.  She also said my ovaries were rather large & I told her that was fromt he pergonal & FSH.

When she finished I said something about supposed to see the dr. now & she said all they had me down for was an ultra. and that they didn't take private patients now, only referrals and I said I thought that's what I had (a referral).  I showed her the paper Susan had written everything down on & she said she'd ask Dr. Sayegh.  She came back & said they had apparently scheduled me for the ultra. instead of the consultation.  That's when I really got confused til I talked to Susan later.  She said they could give me an appointment with Dr. Levy in three weeks cause he wasn't in yesterday.  They were saying I had to see him because that's who Dr. Acosta specified.  But Dr. Levy's name was on the paper because that's who they told Susan my appt. was with yesterday.  So I went upstairs to pick up the letter for Champus from Patty & asked Susan while I was there if it was ok to wait 3 wks. for seeing Dr. Levy & she said it would be.

     So I've decided to go ahead & get prenatal vitamins myself even though we'll have to pay for them.  We're already signed up for the Champus OB class tomorrow afternoon.  Guy had already asked for the whole day off cause the way they had to work the past two weeks & it's finally letting up.

The letter Patty gave me said my due date is April 27.  The ultra. girl said it was May 1.  I guess for now 4/27 will be the official due date.

I'm so far behind in my writing I've started a list of things I need to write about so I won't forget anything.

My mom wrote about absolutely EVERYTHING!!

When God Brought Me Into Existence

Friday, August 17, 1990

     My pregnancy test yesterday came back positive.  I was surprised because I was sure that dr. had messed everything up.  I've been going up & down, mostly down.  I think that no matter what I do or don't do, I'll lose this one just like the first time. 

This is all my mom wrote down the day after she found out she was pregnant with me. She wasn't very optimistic that the pregnancy would be successful, because the previous year she had had a miscarriage. Because it took her nearly ten years to get pregnant the first time, she was always sure that God just did not want her to have children. But she said in previous entries that she knew it was her purpose, she knew she was supposed to be a mom.

The Purpose of This Blog...

...is to let you all know about what I have recently discovered about my mother.  When I was six years old, my mom died from Cystic Fibrosis. When I was growing up, I knew about my mom, I remembered her, but I never really knew her. Recently, this past March in fact, I discovered some journals of hers stashed away and long-forgotten. I never knew she had kept journals. It was so exciting and emotional to know I was now capable of looking into the mind of my mother whom I had never really known.  And now that I've read a good majority of her thoughts, I've decided to record them on this blog, starting with the day she found out she was pregnant with me.  I will do one of her journal entries each day (or at least attempt to), and I will go until the entries end.  To those of you who never knew my mother, she was an incredibly loving and caring person, and I have no doubt that if she would have lived to raise me further, I would have had the best mom around.