"I just remember Guy slept through it all."

Tuesday, May 26, 1992

     Yesterday was nice with Guy having the day off for Memorial day. He'd said he'd get up with her Sun. night if I let him take a Sun. aft. nap and sleep late Mon. morning. She didn't wake up at all Sun. night so he got up with her Mon. It was 7 something I think. He came back to bed about 8:30; she'd already gone down for a nap. I think it was around 9:30 when we all got up. She took a nice long nap in the afternoon & I had a pretty good one too. Guy caught up watching tapes. We'd planned on grilling steaks for supper but it was cloudy & looking like it was going to rain any minute all day long so we just had some hamburgers. I tried baking some oatmeal scotchies for Fri. night & they didn't turn out very well. Lots of them crumbled apart. They taste ok. The only thing I know I did different from usual is adding chopped walnuts but I don't know how that would make such a difference.

     Ez. went to bed without any problem last night. Then she woke up at 11:28. I'd been asleep maybe 10 minutes at the most. She wasn't poopy or hot so I don't know why she woke up. Or why she kept waking up. I quit counting after the 3rd or 4th time & I can't remember now what time it was when she finally stayed asleep. I just remember Guy slept through it all.

     I first heard her a little before 7:00 but didn't have to get her til 7:30. I kept her up this morning cause we had to go to the grocery store. I was trying to get there & back before it started raining but it was pouring by the time we left the store. I'd taken a blanket though so she didn't get too wet. She slept for about 1 1/2 hrs. this aft. & woke up for a few minutes then (after I rocked her) slept for another hour. I think I slept for about 45 min. I wish I could go to bed when she does. When Guy's here there's always something I need to get done or something we want to see on TV. And when he's not here I have trouble getting to sleep at all anyway. She's been moving around a lot the past 30 min. I sure hope tonight is not a repeat of last night. I just can't deal with getting up half the night.

"But I told her that this just wasn't working out."

Sunday, May 24, 1992

     Bob & Michele Bridgeman had a little boy Tuesday. He's still in the hospital cause he has jaundice really bad. It would be so hard to leave your baby in the hospital. I sure hope he's going to be ok.

     Ez's getting pretty good at pulling up now. Sometimes she tries to let go and lands on her bottom. I'm not sure if she's trying to stand on her own or that's just her way of getting down. She climbed up one step one day this week and Fri. she got up two. She still can't get down from the entry by herself though.

     We had the carpets cleaned yesterday. We were supposed to have them done Wed. by a company whose name I got out of the yellow pages. They called twice & said they were going to be late. Then they called to see if they could reschedule us. I told them no. She said they'd even do the bedrooms free—cause I'd told her we wouldn't have the bedrooms done because of the cost. But I told her that this just wasn't working out. She said she was sorry & I said I was too. So we got an appt. with Wall to Wall which is a carpet sales & installation company. They did dry cleaning instead of steam cleaning. We had to move everything that was movable and vacuum before they came. The stuff we'd moved when the other company was supposed to come, Guy just put it back in the corner of the living room. I moved what I could upstairs Fri. night & Sat. morning (Guy had duty) & we were still getting stuff moved & Guy vacuuming when the guy came. It only took about 35 minutes. It looks like all the spots came out. But a couple of high traffic areas still look a little dingy to me. The man said the spots came up pretty easily & asked if it was a stain-resistant carpet. We said it wasn't, that we'd had Scotch guard put on it the last time it was cleaned. We probably should have done that again & I figured he'd try to sell us that but he didn't. We still haven't put everything back in it's place.

     After Ez's short aft. nap we went to Children's Palace. Barb Leland came for lunch Thu. & mentioned that they were having a going out of business sale with everything 20% off. We went to get Ez. a high chair. We got a Fisher-Price wooden one with a plastic tray. It has a heart-shaped cutout on the back. She seems to like it. We also got a few other things—a pink crib sheet, a new syringe for her medicine, a F. P. Slumber Baby (like a baby dressed in a bunny suit, it's really soft & cuddly, we named it Snuggle Bunny), some diaper covers, & wipes. I don't know how long the sale's been going on. Most stuff didn't look like it was too picked over yet. We may go back & get some stuff with xmas money & hold it for her til next xmas. We had to charge the stuff we got cause they weren't taking any personal checks.

May 24, 1992

"It's hard to believe how fast it's going."

Tuesday, May 19, 1992

     Ez. is 13 months old today. The time is going by so fast. It's hard to believe how fast it's going. She's not taking as long of naps as she was when she was sick but she does take naps both morning and aft. most days. She didn't wake me up til after 8:00 this morning so I kept her up til after lunch. She slept from about 12:20—2:40, waking up once for a few minutes. I slept for about an hour.

     Oh, Guy told me that night before last I got up with Ez at 2:something in the morning. I don't remember it at all.

     Sue called last night. Daddy & Judy were still there. They decided to stay an extra day cause Dot wanted a little more time with Aunt Willie. Cookie & Sparky get along fairly well except each gets jealous when the other is getting more loving. They'll probably do fine. They were going home today.

     I started last night & finished cutting out a dress & pinafore for Ez. The dress is pink with white bunnies & the pinafore is white eyelet. It took me awhile to work out fitting the curve of the bottom to the finished edge of the eyelet. Hopefully the way I did it will work.

     I've gotten ahold of everyone for the Empty Arms/Expectant Arms reunion. I'm just waiting to hear back from one person.

"I hope she doesn't get sick again."

Sunday, May 17, 1992

     Guy cleaned house for me this weekend and did a very good job. I just wish I could keep up with it so it wouldn't be such a major task whenever one of us does get around to it.

     Yesterday morning we went to a picnic at Lakewood Park for our small group. Not too many people showed up. Besides all the of us; all the Dunbars except for Robin, the Snowdins, Mary Sembra, & a new single, David Stark. The Orrs and the Campbells, except for Steve, came but had to leave before we ate. I guess people thought it was cancelled because of the weather. It had rained some but it was only sprinkling a little when we got there & the sunshine came & went. It was a nice little fellowship.

     Ez. took the last of her amoxycillin yesterday. I guess she's well now. She kind of got spoiled about going to sleep; while she was sick we practically rocked or walked her completely to sleep. Last night and tonight we let her cry herself to sleep. Sometimes when she does that she falls asleep just laying forward between her legs spread out. She did that at nap time one day & was still that way when I woke from my nap. One leg was turning blue so I tried to move her & woke her up. She'd been asleep a couple of hours by then so that was ok. Tonight she moved herself and bumped her head on the activity board. It took a few minutes for me to get her calmed down again. So far so good. I hope she doesn't get sick again. She's got a lot of drool since we stopped the Nite Lite. She's still working on one eye tooth and one molar. She'll probably start cutting her second molars by the time these two are finished.

"Sometimes I wish we could afford a maid."

Thu., May 14, 1992

     Ez. woke up at least 3 times overnight, I think because her legs got cold. Guy had put her night shirt on and of course it didn't stay down on her legs. I put some socks on her at one point. I heard everything Guy did this morning for the first time in quite awhile. I heard her a couple of times after he left but didn't have to get up. I think it was close to 7:30 when she really woke up. She only slept for about an hour this morning and she would not take a nap this aft. at all. I gave up after over an hour of alternately rocking or swaying her and letting her cry. We went to get the mail then sat on the porch awhile just watching people go by. The rest of the aft. & evening she'd play awhile & fuss awhile back & forth. She went to sleep with little problem at 7:40 but she's already been awake a couple of times, once from hitting her head on the activity board when she scooted around. I put pajama bottoms on her with the night shirt tonight. The fan is on. Hopefully she won't get too hot or too cold. I didn't take a nap this morning cause I was counting on taking one this aft. so I could stay up & watch Johnny Carson tonight.

     I did get one thing accomplished today–mopping the kitchen floor. For the first time since I don't know when. Sometimes I wish we could afford a maid. Then I think I'd hate for anyone to see the house is such a mess. I look at all the things that need to be done and I just don't know where to begin. So I just don't do anything.

     Judy called tonight from Daddy's. They're going to Sue & Harold's tomorrow. Aunt Willie's going with them and they're taking Cookie and leaving her there. Daddy decided she's not worth the trouble. He said he thinks she got her front paw run over by a car a couple of months ago; she limps sometimes. He didn't take her to a vet. At least he had her to keep him company through the winter. What he really needs is a more sturdy, outdoor/indoor type of dog, not some little chowder type.

     Judy said Kirk graduated from Harding Saturday. He called her at 1 a.m. that morning to ask if she knew he was graduating that day. She had called Beth (Kenny's wife) a few days earlier to see if they knew when it was and she said she thought it was that weekend. Judy said she & Kirk hardly ever called each other cause they can't afford long distance. He's staying with Kenny and Beth til he can get his own apartment. He's working at Travel File. I told her I hope he'll give me my xmas music back. She said she'll ask him about it the next time she talks to him. Who knows when that'll be. Oh, Sue paid to rent them a car to go to Fort Worth. It's a 2-door '89 Cavalier. Sounds crowded.

May 1992

"At least it's tax deductible."

Wed., May 13, 1992

     Ez. & I went to the library this morning, even though she woke up at 6:59 this morning. I figured she'd fall asleep in the car & stay asleep for awhile but she didn't. We found more board books than last time. We went ahead & had an early lunch but she didn't go to sleep til 12:30. I dozed through my story then slept for about an hour after it went off – not a deep sleep though. She slept til 3:30.

     Guy brought home his uniform (dungarees) today. He said it had pie all over it. I asked did someone throw one at him & he said yes. They had 13 pies to auction off to raise money for Navy Relief. People had to bid for throwing it at a certain person. The two female officers besides the CO went together & paid $50 to hit Guy with a pie. He paid $31 to hit one of them back. At least it's tax deductible.

     After supper we went to Sears & got Ez's pictures. All but one pose was great good, two were great. We bought all of them plus frames for the big ones for $114 something. That's in addition to the deposit we made.

     We ran into Rick Ellington and his expectant wife in the baby department. The last we'd heard of him was that he was engaged. They've been married almost a year & the baby's due just before their anniversary.

May 1992

"I hate all duty days."

Tuesday, May 12, 1992

     Elizabeth is doing better with her sinus infection but she sure has been grumpy. She's been taking good naps and sleeping all night, once she goes to sleep. Sometimes we have to rock or walk her completely to sleep. Yesterday's the only morning she's had a lot of gook in her eyes when she woke up. We're still using the eye drops but I've been putting one in each eye instead of two.

     I've been having a really hard time with wheezing and not being able to get anything up the past few days. But today I've been coughing up a lot of stuff and it's been pretty thick. I called yesterday & got an appt. next month with my new pulmonary dr., Dr. O'Neil. I was surprised that he answered the phone. I hope we'll get along well.

     I forgot to mention that Ez. was a handful at church Sun. morning. She wouldn't take a nap. She didn't want to play with anything I'd brought. I tried taking her for a walk but there were too many people roaming the hall. I took her outside but the sun was too bright & the traffic too noisy. I tried going into an empty classroom but hers was the only one empty & she just wanted to look around. So I decided to take her to the nursery. There were about five different babies in there and the people in there were Gary Cruspach & Ryan Bailey. I looked in the toddler room to see who was in there. It was Dinah Croft with her son & Spencer Ferguson. I was desperate enough to ask her if she could watch Ez. for the rest of the service. The sermon was half over by then. I only stayed long enough after church to change her diaper. She fell asleep on the way home & stayed asleep. I stopped at Wendy's to get a hamburger. I was planning to go ahead & take a nap but I couldn't go to sleep so I got up & ate then went to bed. I got maybe an hour of sleep before she woke up. We didn't go to church that night. I really do hate duty Sundays. I hate all duty days.

     Our Olan Mills pictures came Sat. We shouldn't have bought any, just gotten the free one. I hope the Sears ones come out better. We get those tomorrow.

May 1992

"It's really gross."

Sat., May 9, 1992

     Ez. is doing a lot better. Mine is sort of coming & going these days. Sometimes I cough up a lot of gunk & sometimes I wheeze like crazy & can't get anything up at all. Yesterday and today I've had lots of bright dark green stuff coming out of my nose. It's really gross. Guy says he's doing better but his voice still sounds kind of raw. Hopefully we'll all be well soon.

     This has been a pretty nice Mother's Day Eve. Guy got up with Ez. & let me sleep til 9:00. He brought me breakfast in bed (I had to request it) – just toast & bacon since I was going to a brunch at 10:30. It was for Rosemary Snowden & baby Zack and Ez. went with me. She was all over the place now that she's crawling. She did relatively well though. She fell asleep on the way home (12:30) and slept til 3:30! I was going to take a nap but decided that if I was going to do all the shopping I planned to do, I needed to go ahead. We'd already decided I could have time off today. I went to LeeWards to get some odds & ends stuff for the ABC book I plan to make for Ez. Then I went to a knitting store to see if they could repair my sweater. One I've had since college had two holes in the front of it when I got it out last fall. The lady said the yarn was so fine that her repair lady wouldn't be able to fix it. But she gave me a business card for a place on Mil. Hwy. near Best that she said had a person who does beautiful work & could probably fix it. I didn't take the time to go over there today.

     Next I went to From the Heart, the cross stitch store, to look for something to do for a quilt block. Ann Prescott is planning to make a quilt & is asking everyone from Empty Arms to make a block for it if they want. They didn't have anything I liked for it.

     Then I went to Piece Goods to get some buttons for the sundress I'm making for Ez. & some other stuff for her ABC book. And I found a Precious Moments book with a good picture for the quilt. A little boy angel is standing behind a little gate with Heaven written on it. There's a little girl in front of the gate crying & holding a handkerchief. The boy is pointing to a box by the gate that says 'old hankies'. At the bottom it says 'No tears past the gate.' I hope I can get it done in time. There's not really a time limit – I forget how she said she's going to do it. I didn't think to get any cross stitch fabric though.

     I told Guy I'd like my next day off to be a weekday cause everything's too crowded on Sat.

     We went out to eat at Annabelle's at Pembroke Mall for supper. It was pretty good. I had a sub & Guy had a club sandwich. Ez. had some fries. Guy fed her before we went. For dessert we went down to the Dairy Queen (in the mall) for ice cream cones. When we got home (after watching Star Trek) I got my Mother's Day present. Guy had given me a basket of mixed flowers – beautiful. Tonight I got a card from him & one from Ez. that were both so nice and a Bruce Hornsby tape. Not your typical Mother's Day present, but nice. So I guess it's been a pretty nice day. It sure seemed to go by fast though.

May 9, 1992

"Could I be so lucky!"

Wed., May 6, 1992

     I took Ez. to the dr's. office today. She started having a runny nose a week ago today. I'd called & the nurse said to give her Triaminic Nite Light. She seemed better after a couple of days so we stopped it then a couple of days later it came again. We started the Nite Light again but she didn't seem to be any better. She was up & down for about an hour last night & woke up about 6:00 this morning. I couldn't get her to go back to sleep so I went ahead & took her down for breakfast. Guy was still here. He was supposed to go to the base & pick something up before going to the ship but the place at the base didn't open til 7:00. Anyway, she finally went back to sleep about 7:20 & so did I. She woke up around 9:30. We had an early lunch & she took a short nap before we went in. When I called this morning they said to come at 2:30. Luckily, Dr. Karp was there. They said we could see another dr. I haven't heard of sooner but I said I'd rather wait for Dr. Karp. We waited an hour & Ez. was very tired. She has a sinus infection & we got some amoxycillin for her to take. I'd sent Dr. Karp a letter telling her we would need to go to a Navy orthopedist because we couldn't find a civilian one that accepts Champus. She hadn't seen it yet but they'd mentioned it when I signed in. (I'd called PNH one day & found out how to get an appt.) She wrote the info on a prescription form and gave it to me to send to PNH. They're supposed to make the appt. & let you know when it is–not the ideal situation. I just hope it's not anything serious.

     I figure Ez. will be pretty restless again tonight, especially since Guy's on duty tonight. He wasn't any help last night anyway. He came down with a cold on his last duty night, Sat., & didn't go to church Sun. morning. I think I wrote about that. He went to sick call yesterday & they just gave him dimetapp. My throat kept trying to get sore & my head was stuffed up for about a day but I think I'm back to 'normal'. I'm just so tired all the time any more. Probably because I stopped taking a nap every time she does. I think I'll start doing that again.

     Can't remember if I wrote about the reunion. A couple of weeks ago I asked Ann Prescott if we could have a reunion of the people who've had their babies from the Expectant Arms. She said that would be good but she didn't have time to plan it. She sent me a list of everyone's phone numbers. Everyone I've talked to so far can come except one–someone I don't know. (I don't know half the people on the list) I still have one person to talk to. I finally got ahold of her husband tonight & left a message for her to call me tomorrow.

     It's 11:30 & I've already had to go to Ez. about four times. Once I got her up & checked her diaper & sucked some stuff out of her nose. I'll probably need to add some water to the humidifier sometime overnight. Unless she doesn't wake up any more. Could I be so lucky! I hope she does sleep through the rest of the night & not wake up as early as she did this morning.

     Sun. is Mother's Day but Guy has duty so I'm supposed to get Sat. off. That morning I have to go to a baby shower but I don't know what I want to do the rest of the day. I just hope Guy's well enough to take care of her. We're supposed to go out to eat Sat. night.

"She's really a lot of fun sometimes."

Monday, May 4, 1992

     I can't believe it's been so long since I wrote. I just used the proventil in my nebulizer & my writing is going to be shaky.

     Ez is cutting another eye tooth & from all the drooling she got a runny nose. I got a sore throat & slightly stuffy nose from her and Guy got a very stuffy nose from one of us. He had duty Sat. & it hit him that night. When he came home Sun. morning he said he needed to go to bed so Ez. & I went to church without him. I'd taken two bottles of OJ for her – the first time she had it. The particles kept clogging up the hole. I took her to the nursery & left her with Cecelia while I went to the kitchen & strained the juice through a coffee filter. She drank most of it & was about asleep then all of a sudden she opened her eyes & sat up. She wouldn't drink any more so I was going to let her play. But she just kept squirming around & whining. I'd forgotten to bring a pacifier. I had a NUK one but she wouldn't take it. So I got the other bottle to go strain it. By the time I got back to the nursery she was playing happily so I left her in there for the rest of the service. Guy was still asleep when we got home. He was feeling better so he stayed up all aft. watching tapes even though Ez. took about a 2-hr nap. I only slept about 1 1/2 hrs. mostly just tossing & turning. My throat has kind of been coming & going with feeling sore. It's better tonight & my nose isn't too bad. Guy went to the corpsman on the ship & he gave him some dimetapp & sudafed. He sounds awful but says he's not as bad as he sounds. We've been giving Ez. Triaminic NiteLite. She's worst in the morning & better by nighttime.

     The big news since I last wrote is that Ez. is pulling up now. She's been standing up in her crib since Thur. & she pulled up on the floor yesterday. No cruising yet. She's getting better at crawling. She likes for me to chase her, saying "I'm gonna getcha!" She's really a lot of fun sometimes.

May 1992

"She was happy to see us though."

Sunday, April 26, 1992

     Thursday Ez. & I went to the library. She did fairly well. I couldn't find very many board books this time. After that we went to Babylady. I got her two dresses, some long pants, a sun suit, & several tops.

     Friday morning we went over to Michelle Bridgeman's to take her some of the scraps from Ez's quilt to use to make a rabbit for her. I'd seen one she'd made out of fabric strips with blue ribbons & asked if she could make me one with pink ribbons. That was a couple of months ago & I asked her a couple of weeks ago if she would still be able to & she said yes. (She's 8 mo. pregnant.) Then Thur. I got the idea of using the quilt fabric instead of ribbons. I was supposed to call her to see if they'd be able to keep Ez. for us Sat. aft. I'd asked her mother, Sue Forsythe, several weeks ago if she'd be interested in watching her some Sat. aft. for us & she said she would but then we didn't have a free Sat. since then. Last Sun. morning she said she'd been waiting for us to call her & I told her I was planning to ask her about this Sat. & she said they were going to Florida for the week & wouldn't be back til late Sat. night. Sun. night Bob & Michelle were sitting in front of us and out of the blue I decided to ask if they could watch her. I told Michelle I didn't know if she should pick Ez. up cause she's so heavy. She said to call toward the end of the week. I called Thur. about that and the rabbit and she said they would be able to keep Ez. When I took the fabric over there we stayed for a little bit so she could get used to being around them.

     She did fine Sat. She slept for about an hour on the couch with Bob. Didn't even use the Travel Tender. We went to Janaf to see Thunderheart. It was pretty good–I'd like to see it again to pick up on some details. I had Guy call them after the movie to see how she was doing. She was doing fine. We went to Big Lots to see if they had any high chairs but they didn't. We found some games for our Atari for $1-3 each. We got Dig Dug & QBert & a couple of combat things for Guy. Then we went to Wal-Mart. Among other usual stuff, we picked up the last roll of film. They messed one (two) of them up–got half of two pictures on one print. They said they'd redo them for free & it'd take a week. It was about 3:30 when we got to their place so she was there for 5 hours. They said she did fine. She was happy to see us though.

     Today Daniel Simpson gave Ez. a pair of "tennis" shoes for her birthday. They're Stride-Rite, which are supposed to be good kids shoes. We didn't get around to trying them on her yet but they're size 4. He said he left the receipt in the bag in case we needed to exchange them.

"So we were very surprised when she started crawling that night!"

Tuesday, April 21, 1992

     Sirens woke me up at 6:30 this morning. They weren't in the neighborhood but the wind was probably carrying them from the station. Then the dogs started barking at 7:00. Ez. woke up at 7:30. I fixed a scrambled egg for breakfast & gave her some. She didn't like it much. She hasn't gotten any hives yet. Knock on wood. When Guy's on duty I don't use the air vent to block out noises so I can hear if someone's trying to break in. I don't think Chief would be much help if that happened. Anyway, that's why I hear all the things in the mornings, especially this one dog that apparently barks the whole time it's out in the morning.

     Back to Ez's checkup. Dr. Karp was surprised that she's made so much progress since last time. But she said Ez. would probably skip crawling all together. I'd about decided that on my own. So we were very surprised when she started crawling that night! Guy was working in the yard & instead of rolling over to the door she crawled about 3 "steps" to go look out the back door. I started pulling the blinds up partway last week so she could look outside when Chief's out there. (Only problem, he can see in.) I won't be able to pull them up during the summer cause it'll be too hot. Wish we could afford awnings.

     Anyway, Ez. is 31" – only 1/2" since 9 mos. – and 21 lbs. 6 oz. I forget what she was at 9 mo. But Dr. Karp said their growth rate does slow down now. She didn't get any shots this time but she had a TB test done. I was supposed to check it yesterday aft. & let them know if it was red or swollen. It was fine.

     We told Dr. Karp she could pull up to her knees but that if we stood her up she'd hold on & stay up awhile. She had us stand her on the floor holding on to the chair and said her ankles were turning in too much. She said we might need to see an orthopedic dr. but that it could wait til after her 15 mo. checkup. She gave us a name & the front desk gave us the address & phone no. It's over near Dr. Rand, near Leigh Mem. Hosp. I need to call just to find out if they accept Champus. If not, we can ask Dr. Karp for another dr. next time if she still thinks we need to.

     She said we could give her eggs and citrus now, waiting 2-3 days between anything now. Egg is the only thing we've tried so far. She said to keep diluting her juices and that she'd probably drink less milk now, which she was starting to do. She also said she should be off the bottle by her next checkup! Now that she's finally holding it by herself! At least she can hold her cup herself too.

"I cried of course."

Monday, April 20, 1992

     Well, Ez. turned one year old yesterday! I guess she's not a baby any more. I think she enjoyed herself this weekend. Sat. we took her to Sears first thing to have her pictures made. She fell asleep while Guy strolled around while we were waiting for them to open. We were first ones there so we had to wake her up. She did good though, better probably than if she hadn't gotten a little nap. After that we went to the ship's egg hunt & she had her picture taken with the Easter Bunny. She was smiling & laughing & waving at him until Guy put her on his lap. Then she just kind of looked at him. We got a Polaroid from them & took a picture with our camera. We stayed and had cookies & "bug juice" (Navy KoolAid). We had taken her lunch with us so when we got home she was ready for a nap.

     I finished hemming my dress while I was sitting under the hair drier. That's the first time I've rolled my hair in a long time. I need to do it tomorrow too cause she & I are having our pictures made together at Olan Mills tomorrow evening.

     Several people commented on our dresses yesterday. We had a new picture taken for the picture board. It turned out really well. She looks so cute in the bow. I'm surprised she left it on all through class and church. She wouldn't take a nap in church.

     We went out to eat after church at Spaghetti Warehouse, a new place near downtown Norfolk, across from Doumar's Drive-In. The Krebsbach's went with us, and Daniel Simpson. He brought a black guy named Bernard. The food was very good. They had gigantic glasses of tea. I had to change Ez's diaper before we left cause she pooped. She went to sleep as soon as we got home & we figured we'd have to wake her up for her party at 4:00. But she woke up around 3 or a little after.

     I'd made a microwave cake mix cause we knew we wouldn't need much. It wasn't very good. We taped the whole thing & took lots of pictures. We opened her presents before doing the cake though. Guy had put together her toy chest Sat. night. She had packages from Judy, Sue, & Deanna. Sue & Harold sent a silky flop-eared bunny that's dressed in bright clothes & a straw hat, sitting & holding a carrot and five Disney board books. Judy sent a night shirt with a bunny & lamb on it (& a matching one for me), a goose-shaped soap, & a stuffed bunny like the one on the shirt. (She also sent Guy a video of baseball bloopers). Deanna sent tow board books: God Made & Dear Gold. We also got her an Easter basket that was a sand pail & spade. It only had about four things of candy in it. We also had the present Tim & Janice sent back with us when we saw them at Thanksgiving. It was a pretty pink jumpsuit–24 mo.

     There was a fellowship after church again for the trying out preacher. We asked if everyone could sing Happy Birthday to Elizabeth. Ralph Dunbar got Ben Wilson to lead it. She knew she was the center of attention but wasn't quite sure what to make of it. I cried of course.

     It's just so hard to believe she's a whole year old now. I'll probably say the same thing every year. One thing I'm glad about is finally being able to fulfill the dream of having matching mother/daughter dresses. So even if she doesn't look like me at least we were dressed alike Sun. (& will be in our pictures tomorrow).

     I need to write about her checkup but I need to try to get sleepy. I still have trouble going to sleep when Guy's on duty.

April 19, 1992

"This has been a long week."

Thursday, April 16, 1992

     This has been a long week. I've spent most of my "spare" time working on our Easter dresses. I got hers done Mon. & started on mine. I just pinned the hem up tonight. Need to press it, finish the edge, & hem it. I also made a headband w/ bows for her. When I tried it on her & showed her in the mirror she seemed to like it. Don't know how long she'll actually leave it on. She looks so cute in her dress & the headband. And we went to Walmart Tues. and got her some white shoes. I wanted white patent leather but they didn't have the size she needed. We discovered she wears size 3. We got some white leather ones with two straps so maybe she won't be able to get them off. I just wonder what she'll think of them.

     We haven't had much time together this week. Guy went to the elders & deacons meeting Tues. night to just sit in & listen to find out what's going on. Wed. night he had his architectural committee meeting. Sun. & tonight he had duty. Without taking naps, except maybe twice, and being up late almost every night I'm just so tired. It'll be better when I'm not trying to get so much sewing done and can take naps. I don't know how I'm going to make it a whole month without Guy though.

     When I was brushing Ez's teeth tonight she was fighting me so much & I laid her back on my lap to do it. I checked to see if that last molar was coming in yet and it's still just a little bump. But there was also a little bump there for her eye tooth. So I decided to check the other spaces and found a tooth on the top right! It must have been there awhile cause it looks like it's about halfway out. Maybe Dr. Karp can tell by looking how long it's been there. I guess I need to be more diligent about checking them but she fights me so much any more.

"I really do hate him having duty every four nights."

Saturday, April 11, 1992

     We went to Jodie Rowland's & Gary Ansbach's wedding today. It was nice, but very tiring. She'd invited Ez. too. No problem, except that later she asked Guy if he'd tape the wedding. Ez. did pretty good during the ceremony except for throwing her bottle down once. I'd taken 3 juice bottles & some triscuits & she drank all the juice–1 1/2 during the wedding & the rest at the reception. She ate 2-3 crackers and some cheese they had at the reception. Guy was still taping except for taking a few minutes to eat. I tried to get Ez. to go to sleep when she started getting tired but there was too much going on. The worst part was when we were standing outside waiting for them to leave. My arm was dead by the time it was all over. She fell asleep for maybe 2 min. just before Guy was able to take her. She stayed awake all the way home but she & I both took a nap.

     I slept til nearly 6:00 & she slept til about 6:20. It's 10:00 now & she's fighting going to sleep.

     It's been so hot the past few days–high 70s-low 80s. I finally talked Guy into turning the air conditioner on last night. There's a nice breeze but I didn't want to open the windows cause there's tons of pollen in the air.

     I skipped my naps yesterday & worked on her dress while she was asleep. It's almost done. Needs hemming, buttons, the bow, & elastic in the sleeves. If I can finish hers tomorrow I can get started on mine Mon. Guy has duty tomorrow though so I'll probably be too tired to work on it. I really do hate him having duty every four nights.

     I don't think I mentioned that they're supposed to be gone during August. They're towing a submarine down to & through the Panama Canal. Another ship is meeting them & towing it to somewhere on the west coast. I forget where he said.

     I don't think I mentioned that Ez. started creeping Wed. That's when they kind of scoot along on their stomach, pushing with their legs/feet & pulling with their elbows. Dr. Karp should be please at her 12 mo. checkup Friday about that and that she's pulling up to her knees. She might even make more progress by then.

"All I could do was grunt."

Wed., April 8, 1992

     Ez. slept til 8 the past two morning. That was nice. But she hasn't been taking good naps. It's like she just wants to wait til nearly lunchtime to go to sleep then doesn't want an aft. nap til almost suppertime. Today I kept her up all morning & she went to sleep right after lunch, 12:30. I figured she'd take a long nap but it was 2:38 when she woke up. I had dozed some during my story & was just getting really to sleep when she woke up. She's already woke up a couple of times tonight. I checked her diaper, rocked her once, then let her cry herself to sleep about 10 min. Hopefully she'll sleep all night. She woke up last night but we were still up & Guy was in there almost 30 minutes. She woke up once overnight but went right back to sleep but I couldn't go back to sleep for nearly 1 1/2 hrs.

     Guy's ship went to the yards for 2 mos. yesterday in Portsmouth. They had a bus take them back to the base for their vehicles. He got home about the regular time. They're supposed to get off work at 4:00 while they're in the yards. Since he's got duty today we'll have to wait til tomorrow to see what time he gets home.

     I finally got started sewing on Ez's dress last night & did a little tonight. I don't know if I'm going to get them both done or not. The sewing machine is sure different since the tuneup. Everything's so tight. I have to really push down hard to reverse. But the fabric feeds through so much better with the new feed dogs. Guy did have to adjust those for me cause they were hitting against the cover plate and making it come up. It's ok now.

     This morning Ez. & I went to Office Warehouse to get a multi strike ribbon for  the word processor. I also stopped at Lens Crafters to get my glasses adjusted–again. It was a really nice day out yesterday & today–in the 70's. I strolled Ez. to get the mail & went to the corner of Windbrooke & back.

     I went to the dentist yesterday aft. Barb was substitute teaching this week so I had to take Ez. with me. I put her in the stroller. She did pretty well til it got to be too long. I gave her a bottle of juice but she wouldn't hold it herself. It would've helped if the hygienist had talked to her some. All I could do was grunt. I tried clapping hands but that didn't last long. She did well overall though I guess. At least they didn't tell me to never bring her in again.    

April 6, 1992

"She slept through the whole thing!"

Sunday, April 5, 1992

     Daylight Savings Time started last night & I really miss that lost hour. It might not have been so bad if Guy hadn't had duty & I had to watch TV late to go to sleep. Didn't get much of a nap this aft. cause the phone rang & I couldn't get back to sleep. It was Mercedes Hitchcock returning my call from last wk. They were out of town. I was inviting her to Jodie Rowland's shower. It was a brunch here yesterday morning. Cathy Schweitzer did most of the work–I just provided the house. There were 15 people there. It went pretty well. Cathy, Ruby Hopper & Merryl Gallahar came early to set up. I'd just put Ez. down for a nap but she was crying–fighting it. I fixed her a bottle of juice & told them to go ahead & do whatever they needed to set up while I took care of Ez. She went to sleep about 9:45, by the time she finished the juice. I turned her humidifier on & closed her door completely. I had the monitor downstairs. She slept through the whole thing! I went & got her up at noon as things were winding down. So everyone got to see her for at least a little bit. Chief stayed outside the whole time. He did try to get in a few times but most people didn't notice it. He didn't go as crazy as I thought he would when he came in & could smell everyone's scent.

     We didn't have to go out any yesterday cause Guy got a paper & brought it back before he went to work. She took a nap in the aft. but instead of napping I watched a tape–Narrow Margin. It was a good suspense movie. Last night I took my bath with her. She didn't seem to mind to much. She went to sleep around 8:30. She woke up around 3 something for almost an hour. I checked her diaper & it was ok so I just let her cry herself back to sleep. I sure didn't want to get up when my alarm went off this morning. We were almost ready when Guy got home so we weren't too late.

     We got our first ding in the car on the front passenger side door. The Wilsons parked next to us & when Josh opened his door it hit ours & left dark blue paint on it. We already have some touch up paint but Guy needs to wash the car before we can use it.

"I just feel like I'm in over my head being a mother..."

Saturday, April 4, 1992

     Ez. has been waking up at anytime between 6–6:30 the past few days. Sometimes she takes a good nap, sometimes she doesn't. At least she's over her cold. And I'm surprised I didn't catch it. She slept through the night last night but she was up several times the night before. She was up that night before we went to sleep & it was really getting to me. Guy said it seemed like I was upset at Ez. a lot. I told him it wasn't fair that when she goes to sleep, I have things to get done and when I'm finally ready to go to sleep she wakes up. And that it's upsetting when she shows an obvious preference for him instead of me. He said it's just that she's gotten used to him putting her to bed. We decided to take turns putting her to bed every other night.

     He'd said something Sun. about the next time he had a free weekend I need to go away because he thought something was bothering me & that it was Ez. I didn't really respond to that til later. I'm not sure if it was that night or another night. I asked him if he really thought I ought to go away & he said he didn't mean it that way. That he thought I needed a break & that I didn't seem happy anymore. I don't remember what all he said now but so many things he said were things I've written about before that I wondered if he'd read my journals. I asked him the next day if he had & why and he said no but he might sometime cause he didn't know what I was thinking any more. Anyway, I asked him where could or would I go & he said wherever I wanted & where would I like to go. I honestly don't know. I just feel like I'm in over my head being a mother and I'm not going to be able to dig my way out for a long time – if ever. I want to write a lot more than I have time to. I'm just so tired any more. Even when I take naps when she does, it just seems like I can never get enough sleep. And it's so hard to take care of her because she's just so heavy, even just picking her up is hard. Not to mention carrying her up the stairs. It's so hard to sing to her. I run out of breath and have to cough so much. And I don't have time to do my Tobra maybe a third of the time. I just need more time. More time to sleep–more time to clean house, more time & energy to take care of her, more time with Guy alone. It's been almost 2 months since we've been out alone. I need time to sew. Our Easter dresses are cut out but I haven't sewn a stitch on either one.

"I just don't know what I'd do now if anything did happen to her."

Tuesday, March 31, 1992

     Ez. was up off & on last night for almost 2 hrs. starting at 1:14. I finally just let her cry herself to sleep but I guess I fell asleep once she quieted down cause I didn't go check on her again and when Guy checked on her before he left he said both her legs were hanging out of the crib. He asked if I wanted him to try & move her & I said yes. Thank goodness we didn't wake up. She slept til almost 8:00. She took a nap for an hour this morning and 1 1/2 hrs. this aft. She went to bed a little after 8:00 without any problems except she wouldn't let me brush her top teeth. That bottom left molar finally started coming through again – hopefully it won't disappear again. Her nose is getting better. There was a lot of dried up stuff around it and a lot less to suck out than yesterday. I still gave her the medicine this morning & at bedtime. Hopefully she won't need any more.

     Now, to tell about Regina Walker. She & her husband, Shade moved here in Nov. and she had a baby March 10. There was something wrong with her & they had to put her in NICU at PNH for two weeks. She has some syndrome that I've never heard of that affects her kidneys. They've only given her 3-6 months to live – a year at the most. I sent them a couple of notes and was getting some sleepers, etc. together cause Cathy Channell said she'd probably want to borrow some clothes. I was going to go with Gayle Harrison to visit them one night this week, but instead, they gave her a shower this past Sat. morning – at their apartment. After Ez's dr. appt. Fri. aft. I went to Dudley's to see if I could find something appropriate. Ez. fell asleep in the car & I put her in her stroller & she stayed asleep for quite awhile. I looked all over the store & finally found what seemed like the perfect thing. On the wall of plaques there was one called 'Baby Tears'. I cried when I read it. It was originally $20 on sale for $9.99. I asked if they had another one but they didn't. I didn't ask if they'd order me one. The place it came from was on the back. I copied their address as well as the whole poem on the word processor. It was one of the last presents and she didn't take the time to read the whole thing then but several other people did & asked me where I got it. I'd wanted to talk to Regina and the baby but I didn't because there were so many people there. It may sound silly but I want to tell Kayla to tell our baby hello when she gets to Heaven and that we still miss her & think about her. I never got a very good look at her, even when they had her at church Sun. morning.

     I can't imagine being in such a situation. In a way, it would be better to know ahead of time that your baby's going to die as opposed to it happening all of a sudden. But I think I would go to either one extreme or the other. Either I'd be so overprotective and be so emotional the whole time or I'd try to keep myself at a distance emotionally so it wouldn't hurt so much. I think sometimes I do that anyway. I know before Ez. was born I was so convinced that we would not be bringing a baby home from the hospital. I didn't enjoy the pregnancy and made the bare minimum of preparations for her. For a long time I was afraid something would happen to her, like SIDS. That's why I always had Guy check on her before he left for work & let me know she was ok. I just don't know what I'd do now if anything did happen to her.

     Today she tried to pull herself up on the coffee table but her feet were too far apart. She's pulled herself up to her knees several times. But mostly she just still rolls everywhere. She's getting faster & more adventurous at that too. Last night she went all the way from the living room, down the hall & into the kitchen. Guy said he saw her on her hands & knees last night. I wonder which she's going to do – crawl or pull up. 

"...there was so much dried up snot on her nose."

Monday, March 30, 1992

     Ez. is doing better. Guy stayed home with her Sun. a.m. & I stayed home Sun. night. He put the monitor on his side Sat. night & got up with her. He let her cry herself to sleep finally. I think he said it was about an hour. I fell asleep some of the time but kept waking up when she was screaming. I nearly fell asleep in church & class. Guy let me take a nap Sun. aft. & I slept pretty good. I turned the air vent on high so I wouldn't hear the neighbor if he started playing his clarinet. I slept til Guy started running Ez's bath water at 4:30. I felt better after that nap & was surprised that it didn't keep me from going to sleep last night. I forget what time she went to bed but of course she woke up after we went to bed. I checked her diaper and she'd pooped so I changed her – wait, that was this morning after Guy left. I forget the problem last night but when I couldn't get her to sleep again I came back and let her cry cause I was crying myself. It was about 40-5- min. & she finally went to sleep. She slept all night but work up after Guy left this morning. After I changed her poopy diaper she cried for about 20 min. before going back to sleep. This time it was crying & not screaming. She took about an hour & a half nap this morning & an hour this aft. She was up later because of a poopy diaper but went to sleep when Guy gave her some juice. So far so good.

     When she got up this morning there was so much dried up snot on her nose. When I got it loose I was able to suck some stuff out. She acted like she felt better all day but we went ahead & gave her more medicine tonight. Maybe she won't need any more.

     I need to write about Regina's [baby] shower Sat. but I'm too tired.

"She seemed nice enough but they all do at the beginning."

Sat., March 28, 1992

     Tuesday night we went to the ship's spouses support group meeting. Guy had gone by one day after work to find the place. I'd driven by it but the sign was in the shadows from the parking lot lights and the entrance was on the side instead of facing the parking lot. Anyway, the lady who's trying to organize the group was there. I think her name was Connie. Then there was the co, the xo, and the command master chief. And us. That was it! Guy asked people the next day why they didn't show up. They said their wives don't like the captain because she's two-faced. She seemed nice enough but they all do at the beginning.

     Well, this has been a pretty miserable week since then. Ez's third molar is having a hard time coming through and she hasn't slept well. Thur. she had a runny nose so I started her on Dimetapp. She didn't sleep much at all that night. I tried rocking her but she didn't want to. I forget what all else I tried but she wouldn't go back to sleep. Guy finally got up around 3:30-4:00 and eventually took her downstairs to walk her. I was so upset. I'd tried sitting in the rocker by her bed & she looked at her books for awhile but she always started crying again. I finally couldn't take it any more and was crying as much as she was. Everything's all mixed up now. I can't remember what happened which nights. Once, I got her back to sleep finally & came back to bed & Guy woke up & said something & I said 'now you wake up - how can you sleep through all that?' He just grunted & turned back over. Once, he's got her back to sleep, then it was time for him to get up anyway. Thur. night when I was crying so bad & he finally got up to take care of her, I just couldn't stop crying. I went downstairs & laid on the couch awhile til I finally stopped crying & came back up here. He got her back to sleep but she woke up again & I was going in there but he got there before I did. I told him I'd take care of her but he told me to go to bed. I came back in here and started crying all over again. I just sat down in the floor, using up Kleenex like crazy. I was trying to pray but I'm not sure what all I said. Once I finally calmed down again I was just sitting on the side of the bed cause I didn't know what to do. Guy came back in & went to bed. He asked if I was going to stay up all night. What a stupid question. I said 'sure' - my standard answer for yes when I really mean no. He said ok & turned over. So that got me started crying again. I started to go downstairs again but I didn't really want to so I just sat on the landing for awhile. I was thinking about how things are just not the way I thought they would be having a baby. I knew all babies say dada before mama so I wasn't too upset when she did. But she hasn't made any attempts yet to say mama. She doesn't exactly say dada but we know that's what she's trying to say. Before, she was content with me when he's gone but wanting him instead when we're both around. But now she wants him even when he's not around.

     Anyway, Ez was worse Fri. morning. Her eyes were watery & the stuff I was getting out of her nose wasn't completely clear anymore. There was a lot of greenish yellow stuff too. So I called to get an appt. & took her in at 2:00. She'd slept for about 30 min. that morning then acted like she felt a little better after lunch. We had to see Dr. Kevorkian. She looked a lot skinnier than I remembered but I haven't seen her since Ez. was born. Anyway, Ez. had a rectal temp of 100.2 or .3. Her ears were clear but she had to clear a lot of wax out of them & she took too long to do it so Ez. started getting fussy. She took a throat culture but not a nasal smear. She had a blood count done but didn't say the results of that. She said the strep test was negative. She just has a bad cold, take triaminic or pediacare. I asked if she could give her something to help her sleep & she said once her nose clears up she'd sleep better. She said she might get worse before she gets better. Of course she did last night. Guy had duty. 

     She went to sleep & I went to bed at 10:21. She slept for 30 minutes. I got her back to sleep once & she slept for 20 minutes. I should've taken notes cause I knew I wouldn't be able to remember everything. I gave her some water in a bottle once and I think a couple of times just rocked her to sleep but as soon as I'd lay her down she'd start screaming. I tried everything - light on, light off, her mobile, books, various toys, laying in the floor with her, in bed with me. She was always looking at the door & calling Guy. When I couldn't stand it anymore I'd go ahead & put her in the crib and close both doors & just let her cry. I'd go back every 10 minutes and lay her down & tell her to go to sleep but before I'd get out the door she'd sit up & get to the end of the crib, waving her arms & screaming for Guy. I kept waiting for the neighbors to come over to complain. I cried a lot & then decided that both of us couldn't cry all night so I just kind of shut myself down and went through the motions. That's the only way. I don't know how to describe it. I was afraid if I kept being so emotional I'd start screaming at her or something and I didn't want to do that. I did tell her that I love her very much but that when she behaves like that she makes life very difficult for me, and that what gets me is that she'll never remember any of this unless she goes to some shrink who tries to dig up stuff from being a baby. It's just the most awful feeling in the world to have your own baby screaming that she'd rather have her daddy than you. It just doesn't seem fair. I wanted a baby as much as he did. I carried her and gave birth to her. So why does she like him & not me?

     He got her to sleep with no problem around 8:30 but she woke up around 10:00 & he's still trying to get her to sleep. He did bring her in here once to give her some Tylenol. And I sucked her nose out. Before she woke up I did books & he did dishes. When we came back upstairs he was watching a movie & I was about to fall asleep. He said something about talking & I said that would be nice. He said something about me not being happy & I don't remember what I said cause she started crying. She just needed her pacifier. We'd both gone in there & when we came back I was awake & ready to talk & he set his alarm & climbed into bed. So I started writing. I went in once when she woke up but she had the pacifier back in her mouth by the time I got there. I hope this stops when she gets over this cold. I'm afraid it'll be a habit by then & we'll never get any sleep again.