"So much for any renewed efforts to write every night."

Sun. Nov. 17, 1991

     So much for any renewed efforts to write every night. I remembered wrong - all the stuff I wrote about the Cheerios happened that Wed. night and Thu. was when I asked him about being overprotective. We haven't really talked about it since then. Sometimes we put Cheerios on her walker tray but they usually end up in the floor or in her clothes.

     Well, I turned 36 a week ago yesterday. I guess I don't feel any different - I was already feeling old. It was a gloomy day -rained most of the time. We went out for breakfast at Shoney's. Ez did real well at sitting in their high chair. She got grumpy though cause it was her nap time. She's done fairly well with her naps last week except for the days I had to go out for something. Anyway, Guy got me a new billfold. Ez. got me a copy of Fantasia. That was on my xmas list for her. We haven't had time to watch it though. We didn't do anything else special; I spent the aft. sewing while Guy watched Ez & tv.

     I got her second pair of overalls almost finished. I'd forgotten to get buttons & bias tape. I got the buttons at Wal-Mart yesterday but still forgot the tape. Barb's going to keep Ez. tomorrow afternoon so I can get ready for our trip (We leave for Louisiana Tues.) I plan to start packing tonight so I can sew some tomorrow aft. I finished a white shirt except for the buttons. I still have a onesie, two sweat pants & another shirt to finish. They don't have to be done before the trip but I'd like to be able for her to wear them so I can tell people I made them.

"...it took us so long to get her & she means so much to me."

Friday, Nov. 8, 1991

     I took Ez. over to Luana's yesterday - got there about 2:00 and didn't stay long. She was crying when I left & I felt so bad about leaving her there. I went to Lens Crafters to get my glasses adjusted again. Then I went to Office Warehouse to look for notebooks to make into picture albums. (The last time we went home I brought back all the family pictures, sorted through them, put names & dates on them as best I could, & divided them up for me, Kenneth, Judy, & Sue.) I'd planned to get those plain blue binders and cover them with batting & fabric. But I found some vinyl covered binders in different colors. I got Kenneth blue and the rest of us pink. I hope they'll like them.

     I went next door to K-Mart and got a birthday card for Adam Pugh. (He was born on my birthday 7 yrs. ago) I got a surprise for Guy for the trip home. I spotted them on the way to check out - a pack with two seals for aluminum soda cans. They have a hole in them and straws and caps for the straws & they were only $1.

     I came home then & it was already 3:15. Guy had told me to call & remind him to pick up Elizabeth so I did. I told him how she was crying when I left and I wanted to call & see how she was doing. He said she's fine & I worry too much. I figured Luana would've called if she wasn't doing well.

     I really did enjoy having some time to myself and in that respect it wasn't long enough. But when I was waiting and watching for them to come home it seemed like forever. I had supper ready but by the time they got home we didn't have time to eat. We had a 6:00 appt. to look at our proofs at Olan Mills. They didn't turn out very good at all. We'd had to wait so long that she was so tired by the time they got to us she'd hardly smile. We only got our free 8x10. I did want to get some of the other proofs til she said they were $12 each or $40 for all of them. They weren't that good. Besides, they kept us waiting so long after we went back to look at the proofs we were all getting grumpy. Guy was walking Ez. around & I went out in the hall to watch cause I was getting tired of sitting. I saw a lady sitting there who looked familiar & I asked Guy & he looked & then she waved. It was Myra; she was Dr. Acosta's secretary when we first started going there. She said she's receptionist at an OB/GYN's office in Chesapeake. She remembered us but I don't think she remembered our names. She was happy to see we had Elizabeth now.

     We'd decided to try giving Ez some Cheerios for the first time last night so we did that at the end of supper. Guy tried pushing them in her mouth (one at a time) & she kept pushing them back out. They finally got mushy & broke up & she swallowed most of them, I don't know how many. Once she acted like she was about to gag but she was ok. I asked Guy to go ahead & unlatch the strap on her seat in case we needed to get her out quick. He gave me a look but did it. He kept trying to put them in her mouth & I felt like he was forcing them on her. I said maybe he could try letting her put one in her mouth herself. He held one in his fingers and I was going to tell him it would be easier for her to get it from his hand flat. All I got out was "she can't" and he gave me this look and jumped up & started storming up & down the hall and told me to take care of her since he obviously didn't know how. Of course that made me start crying. He didn't pay any attention to her or me til I took her out to the living room after the news was over & said, "tell daddy 'it's my bath time, daddy' ". He didn't make a move to do it til I finished the dishes. He said he was waiting on me cause I'd said I wanted to wash her hair. I'd discovered all these scaly places on her head & had put some baby oil on them to soften them up & tried to rub them off. But I told him I still had to do her bottles. I feel like I can't say anything to him anymore about taking care of her. It's like when he gets home I have to hand her over to him to take care of her and can't make even the slightest suggestion of how to do something or even remind him or ask if he did such & such. I was finally beginning to feel like a real mother & now it's back to just taking care of her til he's able to.

     I thought maybe we could talk about it last night and figure out some sort of compromise. I wasn't sure how to bring up the subject so I asked him if he thought I really was too overprotective. He gave me this look like 'are you really asking me that question' and after a few seconds said something like 'you don't know the answer to that?' like it was really stupid of me to think I had to ask such a thing. I said 'never mind' & just went to bed. We didn't say anything else except the usual good night stuff and we didn't talk about it (neither the Cheerios thing or my question) at all today. I don't know if he even noticed that there's still tension between us. I didn't say a word about anything he did with her tonight except to ask what time she fell asleep & did he brush her teeth. He said 'yes' like 'you don't have to check up on me.'

     I know I'd have a tendency to be overprotective of her because it took us so long to get her & she means so much to me. But I thought I'd been doing good. I don't pick her up the first second she starts crying anymore. Sometimes I let her cry herself to sleep for her naps. Even though she's sitting a lot better now she still falls over a lot. I haven't seen her hit anything really hard but I don't run to her & try to comfort her, or even try to catch her to keep her from falling. I just say something like 'you went ka-bump!' til she'll smile. A few times she's hit herself in the face with a toy & will look like she's going to cry & I'll rub it & kiss it & talk about how she ka-bumped herself. I can't think of any other specifics right now cause it's getting late & I'm really tired. She only took 2 - 1 hour naps today & 1 half-hour. Guy's been asleep (on top of the covers) for over an hour now. The late weather is over so I guess I should go to bed. I've decided to try & make a better effort at writing every night. 

"Last week was kind of strange."

Sunday, November 3, 1991

     Last week was kind of strange. Four out of five days (Mon-Thu) Ez. took 1&1/2 - 2&1/2 hr. naps both morning and afternoon. I'm not sure what's made the difference. The only thing that's changed is starting her on solid food the week before that. I was beginning to worry about her sleeping so long. I was hoping this was a new trend but she got all messed up Sat. as usual. So far this week she's taken both short & medium length naps. Seems like when I try to get a little bit done then lay down and try to get a little sleep, as soon as I start dozing off she wakes up.

     Last night she was up late & slept til almost 9:00 this morning. Hopefully she won't be up as late tonight. She didn't have much of a morning nap cause we took the video camera in for preventive maintenance & didn't get home til almost noon. I don't remember how long she slept this afternoon. Tomorrow I'm going to take her over to Luana Carter's for a couple of hours. Guy's going to pick her up on his way home from work.

"It'll just take some getting used to."

Thursday, Oct. 24, 1991

     We got a 1992 Toyota Camry today. It's almond beige pearl, 5-speed standard.

Wed., Oct. 30, 1991

     We had gone to the credit union last Wed. to apply for a loan cause they were having the big tent sale at Met Park Thur.-Sat. I was so undecided about what I wanted. I really wanted a Trooper but I decided that we wouldn't be able to afford that. So I told Guy we could just go ahead & get a car and when we move back to Ark. we could get a four-wheel drive. But we ended up paying more than I thought we would so I should've gone ahead with the Trooper. Oh, well, too late now.

     I really like the Camry & I know it'll be reliable. There have been a couple of things I've discovered since we brought it home. I can't see the back end of the car, even sitting on a pillow. I didn't realize it until we went to pick it up. I need to backtrack.

     When we went to Met Park we looked at the Camrys first & there was a blue one that had everything we wanted on it except a cassette. We asked if there was one like that in a different color. He called the dealership & there was one that had just come in. They'd have to inspect it & service it & bring it over. We looked around at other cars. There weren't any caravans there. This salesman cornered us when we were looking at a Subaru wagon. Guy surprised me by seeming really interested in it. I told him I didn't know enough about Subarus. So we waited for them to bring the beige Camry over. It took over 1&1/2 hrs. They did have a trailer set up with tables & chairs so we waited there & fed Elizabeth while we waited. It was almost dark by the time it got there. We had to stop for gas (they reimbursed us) then both of us drove it. We got on the freeway at Norview then back off at Military Hwy. It drove really well, had a lot more power than the Cavalier. It's a 2.2 engine plus fuel injected. I didn't ever have the need to back it up though until we went to pick it up Sat. But I'm getting ahead again.

     We finally sat down to talk numbers & we had to talk to two other people, one about the extended warranty and one about the protective coatings. We only wanted the coatings. Then Hank, the salesman, went over to the credit union tent with us. They said they couldn't do anything cause their computer was down. (We were getting $800 for the Cavalier but we weren't putting any more down and the total was $300 over our approval of $15,000.) They said the extra shouldn't be a problem but that we'd have to wait til tomorrow to do any more. So Guy went to tell Hank we wouldn't be able to get the car that night. He was gone forever. Elizabeth was getting restless; she'd finished the two bottles we'd taken. I didn't know we'd be gone so late. Finally I got all our stuff together & went looking for him. He was helping Hank put all our stuff in the new car. I told him what the lady had said and he said not to worry cause we could get it financed through the dealer. He didn't tell me til we'd already left that he'd signed a promissory note say that they'd have their money (the whole $15,000+) by Mon. I couldn't believe he did that without talking to me first. But there wasn't anything I could do about it then. We were back & forth on the phone with each other and the credit union & the dealer all day Friday. The credit union kept giving us the same runaround so Guy told them we didn't need the loan. The dealer had told us we could get the loan through them for the same rate. When Hank finally called to say our new loan was approved he didn't know how much the payments were or the rate, only that it was approved. He also said he would give Guy a loaner so he could leave the car to be first in line to have the coatings put on & the cassette installed Sat. morning.

     So Guy went to the dealer's when he got home Fri. I stayed home with Elizabeth cause she'd been out of sorts all day because of being out so long Thur. I should've gone with him. When he got home I asked him how much the payments were, he said $354. I thought he was joking so I looked at the papers & he wasn't. And the rate was 10.5%. I asked him how did he think we were going to afford it & why did Hank lie about the rate and why did he sign the papers when he knew we couldn't afford it. I was crying by then and wouldn't say anything to explain. We ate supper & he gave Elizabeth her bath while I did dishes & he never said one word to explain anything. While he was upstairs I looked at the papers again & saw that they'd added on the maintenance agreement we'd told them we didn't want plus the life insurance. I couldn't believe it. When he came downstairs he still wasn't talking to me. I finally asked him if he knew how late Hank was going to be there & he said why? I said if he wasn't going to tell me what happened I'd call Hank & ask him. He said he'd tell me if I'd finished crying & I told him I just didn't understand what was going on. He said they wouldn't give us a lower rate because we weren't putting anything down. And they said he had to have the insurance. I didn't think they could make you do that. As for the maintenance agreement he said he wanted me to be safe when he's gone to sea. I reminded him the original warranty is 3 yrs/36,000 mi. & he'll be out of the Navy by then so we won't have to worry about that. I don't remember what his answer was to that. We went back & forth about that up until we went to pick the car up. 

     He said the only way to get the payments down (to $298) would be to put money down & he knew I didn't want to cash any more bonds. I asked what about the money we'd been setting aside in savings for it. That amounted to $684. He said would I let him get the rest from bonds & I said ok. So he called the finance man at the dealer's & asked if it was too late to put some money down & he said no cause he hadn't sent the paperwork in yet. So he told him we'd be bringing the money in when we came to pick up the car. Guy said let's just take $500 from savings cause we'll be needing to take some our for the trip & I agreed.

     So we went to the credit union to get the money from savings. Then to our safe deposit box for cashing the bonds and getting a cashier's check for $2000. Then we took Elizabeth over to Mike & Carole's, as we'd already planned, so we could go to a movie. There wasn't a lot to choose from. We saw The Hitman, Chuck Norris' new movie. It wasn't very good, especially compared to his other movies.

     After that we went to the dealer's & our car was already ready. But we had to wait for the finance man to get back from lunch. When we sat down to redo the papers he said the payments would be $309. I asked what happened to $298. Guy said that was before the maintenance agreement, something we still disagree about. So we signed the papers & took the car to get Elizabeth. They asked us to stay for supper. We did but we shouldn't have cause it was later than I thought it'd be before we ate. Anyway, we have the car but I don't think we got a very good deal. Guy said next time we won't wait til everything's falling apart to trade in. Sometimes I wish we'd gone ahead & gotten the Trooper, especially since this cost so much. One of the reasons I told Guy we could get a car instead of a 4x4 is I thought we could save some money. But he said we could've gotten the Trooper or even the Caravan for this price. I don't know if he's still mad at me or not. We haven't talked much about it since then. The only thing I'm worried about is not being able to see out the back to the end of the trunk. One thing Guy didn't like is that you have to roll the windows down to adjust the outside mirrors. We'd asked if we could get remote knobs on them & they said they're not available. Hank said the manager said if we wanted them adjusted to come see him & he'd adjust them, just trying to be smart. It's bad that he said that anyway but Hank didn't have to tell us what he'd said. Our model is called deluxe but I don't know what's deluxe about it - there's nothing power on it except the trunk & gas release. And if I'd seen it in the light I might have decided on the blue one after all. Why'd they put a grey interior in a brown car I don't know. But I guess overall I'm happy with it. It'll definitely be more reliable than the Cavalier has been - knock on wood. It'll just take some getting used to.