"I started crying & just told him I didn't think I could do it"

Sunday, April 7, 1991

     The baby's been moving around just as much as ever since I was worried about her on Friday night.

     But I sure got into a mood yesterday afternoon.  I don't know what started it all but I just got to thinking about how hard it is to have a baby and to take care of it once it gets here and that there's no way I'm going to be able to do it.  I started thinking that I just don't want to be pregnant any more and that since there's no turning back now, it's a hopeless situation.  I know I don't get enough sleep now & that it'll be the same once the baby comes.  I don't know how to get more sleep.  Before, I was sleeping about four hours at first, then waking up & sometimes going right back to sleep, sometimes taking 1-1&1/2 hrs. to get back to sleep, & sometimes just tossing & turning the rest of the night.  I've been getting up & eating breakfast with Guy, then going back to bed, sometimes having to read for up to an hour.  But lately it seems like I can't sleep any longer than 2 hrs.  I'm not sure why I wake up every time cause it's not always because of needing to go to the bathroom.  But when I go back to bed I just lay there thinking about everything and tossing and turning.  Sometimes I'll fall asleep for a little bit at a time & keep waking up, maybe getting another hour or so sleep, making a grand total of 3 hrs. per night.  I almost always go back to sleep after Guy leaves.  A few times I've had to read & it's been after 7:00 before I fell asleep again.  Then I usually wake up around 9:00, give or take 30 min.  I try to take a nap in the afternoon but I can't always fall asleep then either.  Sometimes I feel better if I've just laid down & relaxed & kind of drifted in & out.  Guy says he doesn't see how I do it, getting by on as little sleep as I do.  I tell him I don't know either.

     Anyway, Guy had mowed the yards cause we finally got the mower back from Sears.  He got the crib out of the storage shed to clean and decided he needed to clean out the whole shed.  (Made me think he had the nesting instinct.)  I had worked some in the front bedroom but felt like I'd done all I could manage by myself.  I just tried to relax on the couch & watch TV.  I did go out & watch Guy cleaning the shed for a little while.  Oh, I'd had a headache when I woke up during the night Friday & had taken some Tylenol.  It had gone away but started coming back after I was outside for awhile.  I took some more Tylenol while I was eating.  Guy took time out to come make sandwiches.  It was just before he came in that I started getting in that mood.  He could tell something was wrong but when he'd ask I'd say I didn't know.  Finally, he turned the sound off on the TV and said he wanted to know what was going on.  I started crying & just told him I didn't think I could do it - that having a baby was too hard and that I wouldn't have the energy to keep up with the baby.  He said I'm stronger than I think I am and I would be able to do it & I said no I'm not.  I forget what all else we said except that he asked if I thought it was a mistake to get pregnant & I said I didn't know and that it made me feel worse to feel like I don't want to have a baby when it's something we've wanted and tried for for so long.  He said everyone probably has their doubts at some point but that everyone makes it ok and we would too.  But that what he didn't understand was why I thought he wasn't going to help me in labor & delivery.  I didn't say it then but I'd said it before that I wasn't sure that he was going to be able to help me.  At the point I'd said that, was right after we started Lamaze classes and he didn't seem to be taking it seriously, and he'd make remarks about it whenever anyone asked about it.  Then he said it was because the girl who was the assistant instructor had taught the class & it wasn't too interesting as when Janice was teaching.  I agreed that she wasn't as good but felt like it was still important to pay attention to her.  I think we had another discussion along the same lines another time & I told him we weren't going to manage very well because we weren't practicing the breathing.  I think we did it that night & he told me to practice some on my own but it's too hard to keep my eye on a focal point & my watch at the same time.  He's always saying we'll practice more but we never do more than one or two nights in a row.  I know that just like anything else, the more you practice the better & more efficient you get.  I didn't see the sense in going through all this again so I just sat there & cried & he just went back outside acting like he was mad at me.

     I kind of dozed on the couch.  I'd turned the TV off.  But Chief kept whining to go out - he had to wait til the grass was dry cause after Guy cut it he sprayed weed & feed on it.  I finally got up & asked Guy if Chief could come out yet & he said ok.  I went out for a little bit & watched him.  He was cleaning the last part of the crib.  He said there was a lot of paint chipping off & he was thinking about just getting a new one.  That surprised me.  I told him I didn't think we could afford a new one & he said we could cash some more bonds.  I don't like that cause you have to pay taxes on the interest.  But with the baby we'll be able to take another deduction next year & that'll certainly be more than the interest we'll be getting.  We went ahead & set the crib up in the front bedroom.  It wasn't as complicated as I'd thought it would be.  It looks funny having a crib in there.  We still need to move the rest of the furniture around.

     There wasn't much good on TV last night so after Star Trek we finished catching up on tapes.  We'd intended on going to bed early cause of switching to daylight savings time but it was midnight DST by the time we did.  And we did practice breathing last night.

     I only slept about an hour & a half this afternoon.  All during church & after we got home it's like I was short of breath.  At least I was able to get sleep but I think I woke up because I couldn't breathe very well.  After I was up awhile I felt better.  But again in church tonight it was hard to breathe.  (I didn't even attempt to sing today.)  I was having a lot of Braxton-Hicks contractions during church but I got up to walk around at the invitation & they stopped.

     While I was waiting for Guy to fix sandwiches I got this pain on the right side of my stomach & called Guy.  The rest of my tummy wasn't hard though so it must not have been a contraction.  It was kind of along the line where the ligaments run so she was probably pressing on it & stretching it.