"I looked over at the house & there were pink balloons all over!"

Thu. 6/27/91

     Every once in awhile I try squeezing to see if there's still any milk and I can still get a few drops out. But my breasts have shrunk down to their previous size, maybe even smaller.  I'll need to go in the next few months and have my baseline mammogram done.  I'll have to wait til there's absolutely no milk left.

     At first I wouldn't give Elizabeth a bottle, I let Guy do it.  I thought if she knew she wouldn't get a bottle from me she'd try nursing when I had her.  But that didn't work.  Whenever I tried to nurse her I felt like I was forcing myself on her.  She just didn't want anything to do with it.  She'd start crying and I'd start crying & Guy would fix up a bottle & take her & feed her while I kept crying and feeling like the worst mother on earth.

     It did get better when I used the nipple shields but she didn't seem to be able to get enough.  It was wearing me out.  Janice or Kitty didn't have any more ideas so I decided that was that, unless I wanted to keep pumping for a year.  And I knew that wouldn't work.  Everyone said it was more important for me to keep myself healthy to take care of Elizabeth than for me to wear myself down just so she could nurse.  They kept pointing out that lots of babies use formula & do just fine on it.  And she has done well on it.  But it still hurts me whenever I see someone from church nursing or when I see that commercial on TV.

     I think I tried my best & did everything I could to make it work but sometimes I can't help but wonder if there was something else I should've done or tried.  When it came down to deciding, I knew I just couldn't let her starve - that if she wouldn't take it from me she'd have to have formula.

     At one point I confided in Ann Prescott that one day I found myself wondering if the first baby would have been this way or if she would've been a perfect nurser from the start.  She said that it was perfectly normal for me to be thinking of the other baby & comparing her to Elizabeth.  I don't remember what all she said but I felt better after talking to her.

     I guess I need to back up again to tell things in order.

     When we finally got everything together & left the hospital I felt so happy.  I told Guy I was afraid it was just all a dream.  It just seemed so unreal to have a baby that was really ours & we were taking her home.

     When we got home Guy stopped at the mailbox & I looked over at the house & there were pink balloons all over!  I asked if he did all that & he said he'd only put up the one balloon we already had & the 'It's a girl!' sign on the door.  I asked if he knew who did it & he said yes but he wasn't supposed to tell.  But I guessed.  First I thought maybe it was some of the singles - no.  My second guess was Mike & Carole - yes!  It was so pretty even though some of the balloons had already deflated.

     We had bought a car seat through Carole through their insurance company.  It's supposed to last through the toddler stage.  But to get it to fit in the car properly it just wouldn't.  You have to have the seat facing backwards till they weigh 20 lbs. and the seat belt in the back seat wouldn't fit around it with it facing the back.  It'll be fine once we can face it forward.  But that'll be awhile.  So we rented a seat from the hospital.  It's $25 but you get $15 back when you return it to them.  It's ugly - one of those bucket-type seats but at least it fits in the back seat ok.  I sit in the back with her.  When it's just me & her I put the seat in the front passenger seat.

     Chief was really excited to see me when we got home.  He was sniffing all around Elizabeth & wanting to like her.  It didn't take long for him to lose interest but he did come back over to check her out whenever she made a noise or moved around.

     I discovered some roses on the table - three pink roses in a bud vase.  I don't know how many times I told Guy right out and dropped hints that he'd better bring me a dozen pink roses if everything went ok with the baby.  I kept waiting for them to be delivered to the hospital but when they didn't come, Sunday night just before Guy left I got up the nerve to say something about it.  So he went to Farm Fresh Mon. morning & got these.  He said it just completely slipped his mind.