"I just wait for the time to come when the trouble will start again."

Thursday, Sept. 27, 1990

     Guy went with me to see the obstetrician Mon. aft.  His name is Dr. Rand.  He said he'd be my primary doctor but I'd see the others at least once.  They took blood & urine for tests and he did an exam.  I had to fill out all sorts of papers.  He said for me to call the pulmonary clinic if I had any CF problems and they can check with him if they have any questions.  He said they'd probably do a series of ultrasounds throughout the pregnancy to be sure the baby is growing enought because of the nourishment part of my CF.  Guy said something about Champus not paying unless its medically needed & documented.  He said if Champus says they won't pay for so many ultrasounds they'd (drs.) just write them off cause he felt we needed to keep a close eye on the baby's development.  That surprised me & impressed Guy.  He gave me a prescription for Tigan to take when the nausea gets so bad that I can't eat.  I haven't used it yet.  I probably will need it this weekend, seems like that's when it's worst.  We also got a prescription for pre-natal vitamins.  We took it to Boone & Guy picked them up after work the next day.  We got the Tigan at the Revco next to the medical bldg.  I asked Carole about the Tigan & she said it worked for her but it knocked her out for 3-4 hours whenever she took it.  The paper with it had said it could cause drowsiness.
     Dr. Rand said I should come back in a month but to call him if I have any problems before then.  We made an appointment, I think it's Oct. 22.  When she asked if I wanted morning or aft. I said 'it doesn't matter.'  Guy said he thought I'd want aft. since I'm not a morning person.  I think in the back of my mind I was thinking that it doesn't matter when the appt. is because I won't make it to that point anyway.  But I didn't say that.
     Guy & I don't really talk about this pregnancy like we did with the last one.  It's certainly not how I had pictured a second pregnancy.  I thought we'd said after the last one that next time I'd stay in bed from day one.  And it hasn't happened that way at all.  First Janice & Tim came to visit & we were constantly going til I said I had to stay home that last day.  Then I had VBS.  And on top of everything, having to take care of Chief.  Sometimes I think that if I lose this baby it'll be because of him.  I can't stay in bed all I want cause I have to let him out and keep him company for awhile.  He has been letting me sleep later since Guy started feeding him before he goes to work.  But when I'm playing with him in the floor he'll jump on my stomach.  Not that he didn't before.  But it worries me now.  And night before last he scared me so bad I was shaking for a half hour or more.  I was laying on the couch and Guy was in the floor with Chief.  He started zooming around like he usually does and when he came between the couch & piano & end table he started howling & yapping like he was hurt.  My first thought was that somehow the lamp cord was electrocuting him.  I jumped up to see what was going on & the end table was falling over on Guy & Chief.  Guy was trying to get to Chief and then the light went out & I couldn't see & Chief was still howling I was screaming 'what's going on - what happened!?' etc.  I did think to go turn the hall light on & by then Chief was running down the hall to go to his room.  He wet on the floor just outside of it & I figured he'd been peeing all the way down the hall but the place in the kitchen was all we found.  Guy said he'd been trying to pull Chief but he couldn't tell what was wrong but that he wasn't being electrocuted because he would've felt it when he had ahold of his leg if he had been.  The plug had been pulled out of the wall when the table fell is why the light went out.  Guy checked all the cords & it doesn't have a short in it.  That's surprising since that's the 3rd time it's been knocked over lately.  Once by Amy & twice by Chief.  The first time he knocked it over was by jumping up at Guy on the couch, somehow.  Anyway, we were picking up all the stuff off the floor & I was still shaking and my heart was pounding.  Chief finally came back out there but he didn't get too close to the table.  We put that old coffee table top down to where he couldn't go between that space anymore.  Yesterday he kind of sat & looked at it from the dining room side for a minute or two.  But he hasn't tried to go through it again.  Usually when he'd do it is when he & Guy were playing chase and they haven't done that since then.  I'd mentioned one time that we'd have to figure out what to do if he got too big to go through there but still tried to.  The only thing we can figured happened is Guy said he must have gotten a claw caught on the tablecloth & didn't know how to get loose, so he went crazy.  But there wasn't any torn or caught threads that we could find.  He could've gotten his paw or leg hung in the cord where it was hanging down.  We just don't know.  But hopefully he won't be doing that any more.
     Meanwhile, we had our Empty Arms meeting Mon. night.  We went a little early so we could talk to Ann about telling everyone we're expecting.  She said to wait & see who all came & if anyone new was there we'd probably need to wait til the end.  There was a new couple there (engaged) so we didn't say anything when we introduced ourselves.  In the middle of the meeting Cathy Rudolph said she thought we should discuss how everyone would feel about someone still coming to the group if they got pregnant again.  She said she was starting to think about trying again & she knew we were trying again.  I was sure she knew.  I figured Molly had mentioned it in a letter to her.  Other people started talking and I looked at Guy and at Ann.  She started wiggling her eyebrows & smiling and I started getting nervous about saying anything.  Most everyone was saying that they thought it would be ok because that wouldn't change the fact that they'd already lost a baby.  And Kim said she thought that someone getting pregnant would give her hope that she would again too.  When everyone stopped talking for a minute I whispered to Guy that I was too chicken & for him to say it.  So he said 'since you brought the subject up...Ellen's pregnant.'  I heard a lot of gasps & oh's but the only one I saw their direct reaction was Bridgette.  She said 'oh!' & put her hands to her mouth & smiled.  Kim said 'you sneak' or something like that and 'I asked you last time & you didn't say anything!'  Everyone said congratulations & good luck.  We only talked about it a couple of minutes before moving on to something else.  It was kind of a relief to let everyone know.  But it still felt a little funny to be the only one there in this situation.  I'm not sure how the new couple felt about it but they did talk a lot later about their situation.  Guy said we didn't want to upset anyone by still coming while we're pregnant but nobody said they were upset.  I plan to ask Ann before the next meeting if anyone's said to her since then that it did or would bother or upset them for us to be there.  I think it would help me to still go at least til we make it past the point of the last time.  If everything's going ok after that I think it would be upsetting to me to go & listen to everyone talking about their losses.  I haven't mentioned it to Guy so I don't know how he feels about it.  I'm not really thinking too far ahead though.  I just wait for the time to come when the trouble will start again.