"She seemed nice enough but they all do at the beginning."

Sat., March 28, 1992

     Tuesday night we went to the ship's spouses support group meeting. Guy had gone by one day after work to find the place. I'd driven by it but the sign was in the shadows from the parking lot lights and the entrance was on the side instead of facing the parking lot. Anyway, the lady who's trying to organize the group was there. I think her name was Connie. Then there was the co, the xo, and the command master chief. And us. That was it! Guy asked people the next day why they didn't show up. They said their wives don't like the captain because she's two-faced. She seemed nice enough but they all do at the beginning.

     Well, this has been a pretty miserable week since then. Ez's third molar is having a hard time coming through and she hasn't slept well. Thur. she had a runny nose so I started her on Dimetapp. She didn't sleep much at all that night. I tried rocking her but she didn't want to. I forget what all else I tried but she wouldn't go back to sleep. Guy finally got up around 3:30-4:00 and eventually took her downstairs to walk her. I was so upset. I'd tried sitting in the rocker by her bed & she looked at her books for awhile but she always started crying again. I finally couldn't take it any more and was crying as much as she was. Everything's all mixed up now. I can't remember what happened which nights. Once, I got her back to sleep finally & came back to bed & Guy woke up & said something & I said 'now you wake up - how can you sleep through all that?' He just grunted & turned back over. Once, he's got her back to sleep, then it was time for him to get up anyway. Thur. night when I was crying so bad & he finally got up to take care of her, I just couldn't stop crying. I went downstairs & laid on the couch awhile til I finally stopped crying & came back up here. He got her back to sleep but she woke up again & I was going in there but he got there before I did. I told him I'd take care of her but he told me to go to bed. I came back in here and started crying all over again. I just sat down in the floor, using up Kleenex like crazy. I was trying to pray but I'm not sure what all I said. Once I finally calmed down again I was just sitting on the side of the bed cause I didn't know what to do. Guy came back in & went to bed. He asked if I was going to stay up all night. What a stupid question. I said 'sure' - my standard answer for yes when I really mean no. He said ok & turned over. So that got me started crying again. I started to go downstairs again but I didn't really want to so I just sat on the landing for awhile. I was thinking about how things are just not the way I thought they would be having a baby. I knew all babies say dada before mama so I wasn't too upset when she did. But she hasn't made any attempts yet to say mama. She doesn't exactly say dada but we know that's what she's trying to say. Before, she was content with me when he's gone but wanting him instead when we're both around. But now she wants him even when he's not around.

     Anyway, Ez was worse Fri. morning. Her eyes were watery & the stuff I was getting out of her nose wasn't completely clear anymore. There was a lot of greenish yellow stuff too. So I called to get an appt. & took her in at 2:00. She'd slept for about 30 min. that morning then acted like she felt a little better after lunch. We had to see Dr. Kevorkian. She looked a lot skinnier than I remembered but I haven't seen her since Ez. was born. Anyway, Ez. had a rectal temp of 100.2 or .3. Her ears were clear but she had to clear a lot of wax out of them & she took too long to do it so Ez. started getting fussy. She took a throat culture but not a nasal smear. She had a blood count done but didn't say the results of that. She said the strep test was negative. She just has a bad cold, take triaminic or pediacare. I asked if she could give her something to help her sleep & she said once her nose clears up she'd sleep better. She said she might get worse before she gets better. Of course she did last night. Guy had duty. 

     She went to sleep & I went to bed at 10:21. She slept for 30 minutes. I got her back to sleep once & she slept for 20 minutes. I should've taken notes cause I knew I wouldn't be able to remember everything. I gave her some water in a bottle once and I think a couple of times just rocked her to sleep but as soon as I'd lay her down she'd start screaming. I tried everything - light on, light off, her mobile, books, various toys, laying in the floor with her, in bed with me. She was always looking at the door & calling Guy. When I couldn't stand it anymore I'd go ahead & put her in the crib and close both doors & just let her cry. I'd go back every 10 minutes and lay her down & tell her to go to sleep but before I'd get out the door she'd sit up & get to the end of the crib, waving her arms & screaming for Guy. I kept waiting for the neighbors to come over to complain. I cried a lot & then decided that both of us couldn't cry all night so I just kind of shut myself down and went through the motions. That's the only way. I don't know how to describe it. I was afraid if I kept being so emotional I'd start screaming at her or something and I didn't want to do that. I did tell her that I love her very much but that when she behaves like that she makes life very difficult for me, and that what gets me is that she'll never remember any of this unless she goes to some shrink who tries to dig up stuff from being a baby. It's just the most awful feeling in the world to have your own baby screaming that she'd rather have her daddy than you. It just doesn't seem fair. I wanted a baby as much as he did. I carried her and gave birth to her. So why does she like him & not me?

     He got her to sleep with no problem around 8:30 but she woke up around 10:00 & he's still trying to get her to sleep. He did bring her in here once to give her some Tylenol. And I sucked her nose out. Before she woke up I did books & he did dishes. When we came back upstairs he was watching a movie & I was about to fall asleep. He said something about talking & I said that would be nice. He said something about me not being happy & I don't remember what I said cause she started crying. She just needed her pacifier. We'd both gone in there & when we came back I was awake & ready to talk & he set his alarm & climbed into bed. So I started writing. I went in once when she woke up but she had the pacifier back in her mouth by the time I got there. I hope this stops when she gets over this cold. I'm afraid it'll be a habit by then & we'll never get any sleep again.