"I just feel like I'm in over my head being a mother..."

Saturday, April 4, 1992

     Ez. has been waking up at anytime between 6–6:30 the past few days. Sometimes she takes a good nap, sometimes she doesn't. At least she's over her cold. And I'm surprised I didn't catch it. She slept through the night last night but she was up several times the night before. She was up that night before we went to sleep & it was really getting to me. Guy said it seemed like I was upset at Ez. a lot. I told him it wasn't fair that when she goes to sleep, I have things to get done and when I'm finally ready to go to sleep she wakes up. And that it's upsetting when she shows an obvious preference for him instead of me. He said it's just that she's gotten used to him putting her to bed. We decided to take turns putting her to bed every other night.

     He'd said something Sun. about the next time he had a free weekend I need to go away because he thought something was bothering me & that it was Ez. I didn't really respond to that til later. I'm not sure if it was that night or another night. I asked him if he really thought I ought to go away & he said he didn't mean it that way. That he thought I needed a break & that I didn't seem happy anymore. I don't remember what all he said now but so many things he said were things I've written about before that I wondered if he'd read my journals. I asked him the next day if he had & why and he said no but he might sometime cause he didn't know what I was thinking any more. Anyway, I asked him where could or would I go & he said wherever I wanted & where would I like to go. I honestly don't know. I just feel like I'm in over my head being a mother and I'm not going to be able to dig my way out for a long time – if ever. I want to write a lot more than I have time to. I'm just so tired any more. Even when I take naps when she does, it just seems like I can never get enough sleep. And it's so hard to take care of her because she's just so heavy, even just picking her up is hard. Not to mention carrying her up the stairs. It's so hard to sing to her. I run out of breath and have to cough so much. And I don't have time to do my Tobra maybe a third of the time. I just need more time. More time to sleep–more time to clean house, more time & energy to take care of her, more time with Guy alone. It's been almost 2 months since we've been out alone. I need time to sew. Our Easter dresses are cut out but I haven't sewn a stitch on either one.