"I just don't know what I'd do now if anything did happen to her."

Tuesday, March 31, 1992

     Ez. was up off & on last night for almost 2 hrs. starting at 1:14. I finally just let her cry herself to sleep but I guess I fell asleep once she quieted down cause I didn't go check on her again and when Guy checked on her before he left he said both her legs were hanging out of the crib. He asked if I wanted him to try & move her & I said yes. Thank goodness we didn't wake up. She slept til almost 8:00. She took a nap for an hour this morning and 1 1/2 hrs. this aft. She went to bed a little after 8:00 without any problems except she wouldn't let me brush her top teeth. That bottom left molar finally started coming through again – hopefully it won't disappear again. Her nose is getting better. There was a lot of dried up stuff around it and a lot less to suck out than yesterday. I still gave her the medicine this morning & at bedtime. Hopefully she won't need any more.

     Now, to tell about Regina Walker. She & her husband, Shade moved here in Nov. and she had a baby March 10. There was something wrong with her & they had to put her in NICU at PNH for two weeks. She has some syndrome that I've never heard of that affects her kidneys. They've only given her 3-6 months to live – a year at the most. I sent them a couple of notes and was getting some sleepers, etc. together cause Cathy Channell said she'd probably want to borrow some clothes. I was going to go with Gayle Harrison to visit them one night this week, but instead, they gave her a shower this past Sat. morning – at their apartment. After Ez's dr. appt. Fri. aft. I went to Dudley's to see if I could find something appropriate. Ez. fell asleep in the car & I put her in her stroller & she stayed asleep for quite awhile. I looked all over the store & finally found what seemed like the perfect thing. On the wall of plaques there was one called 'Baby Tears'. I cried when I read it. It was originally $20 on sale for $9.99. I asked if they had another one but they didn't. I didn't ask if they'd order me one. The place it came from was on the back. I copied their address as well as the whole poem on the word processor. It was one of the last presents and she didn't take the time to read the whole thing then but several other people did & asked me where I got it. I'd wanted to talk to Regina and the baby but I didn't because there were so many people there. It may sound silly but I want to tell Kayla to tell our baby hello when she gets to Heaven and that we still miss her & think about her. I never got a very good look at her, even when they had her at church Sun. morning.

     I can't imagine being in such a situation. In a way, it would be better to know ahead of time that your baby's going to die as opposed to it happening all of a sudden. But I think I would go to either one extreme or the other. Either I'd be so overprotective and be so emotional the whole time or I'd try to keep myself at a distance emotionally so it wouldn't hurt so much. I think sometimes I do that anyway. I know before Ez. was born I was so convinced that we would not be bringing a baby home from the hospital. I didn't enjoy the pregnancy and made the bare minimum of preparations for her. For a long time I was afraid something would happen to her, like SIDS. That's why I always had Guy check on her before he left for work & let me know she was ok. I just don't know what I'd do now if anything did happen to her.

     Today she tried to pull herself up on the coffee table but her feet were too far apart. She's pulled herself up to her knees several times. But mostly she just still rolls everywhere. She's getting faster & more adventurous at that too. Last night she went all the way from the living room, down the hall & into the kitchen. Guy said he saw her on her hands & knees last night. I wonder which she's going to do – crawl or pull up.