"...it took us so long to get her & she means so much to me."

Friday, Nov. 8, 1991

     I took Ez. over to Luana's yesterday - got there about 2:00 and didn't stay long. She was crying when I left & I felt so bad about leaving her there. I went to Lens Crafters to get my glasses adjusted again. Then I went to Office Warehouse to look for notebooks to make into picture albums. (The last time we went home I brought back all the family pictures, sorted through them, put names & dates on them as best I could, & divided them up for me, Kenneth, Judy, & Sue.) I'd planned to get those plain blue binders and cover them with batting & fabric. But I found some vinyl covered binders in different colors. I got Kenneth blue and the rest of us pink. I hope they'll like them.

     I went next door to K-Mart and got a birthday card for Adam Pugh. (He was born on my birthday 7 yrs. ago) I got a surprise for Guy for the trip home. I spotted them on the way to check out - a pack with two seals for aluminum soda cans. They have a hole in them and straws and caps for the straws & they were only $1.

     I came home then & it was already 3:15. Guy had told me to call & remind him to pick up Elizabeth so I did. I told him how she was crying when I left and I wanted to call & see how she was doing. He said she's fine & I worry too much. I figured Luana would've called if she wasn't doing well.

     I really did enjoy having some time to myself and in that respect it wasn't long enough. But when I was waiting and watching for them to come home it seemed like forever. I had supper ready but by the time they got home we didn't have time to eat. We had a 6:00 appt. to look at our proofs at Olan Mills. They didn't turn out very good at all. We'd had to wait so long that she was so tired by the time they got to us she'd hardly smile. We only got our free 8x10. I did want to get some of the other proofs til she said they were $12 each or $40 for all of them. They weren't that good. Besides, they kept us waiting so long after we went back to look at the proofs we were all getting grumpy. Guy was walking Ez. around & I went out in the hall to watch cause I was getting tired of sitting. I saw a lady sitting there who looked familiar & I asked Guy & he looked & then she waved. It was Myra; she was Dr. Acosta's secretary when we first started going there. She said she's receptionist at an OB/GYN's office in Chesapeake. She remembered us but I don't think she remembered our names. She was happy to see we had Elizabeth now.

     We'd decided to try giving Ez some Cheerios for the first time last night so we did that at the end of supper. Guy tried pushing them in her mouth (one at a time) & she kept pushing them back out. They finally got mushy & broke up & she swallowed most of them, I don't know how many. Once she acted like she was about to gag but she was ok. I asked Guy to go ahead & unlatch the strap on her seat in case we needed to get her out quick. He gave me a look but did it. He kept trying to put them in her mouth & I felt like he was forcing them on her. I said maybe he could try letting her put one in her mouth herself. He held one in his fingers and I was going to tell him it would be easier for her to get it from his hand flat. All I got out was "she can't" and he gave me this look and jumped up & started storming up & down the hall and told me to take care of her since he obviously didn't know how. Of course that made me start crying. He didn't pay any attention to her or me til I took her out to the living room after the news was over & said, "tell daddy 'it's my bath time, daddy' ". He didn't make a move to do it til I finished the dishes. He said he was waiting on me cause I'd said I wanted to wash her hair. I'd discovered all these scaly places on her head & had put some baby oil on them to soften them up & tried to rub them off. But I told him I still had to do her bottles. I feel like I can't say anything to him anymore about taking care of her. It's like when he gets home I have to hand her over to him to take care of her and can't make even the slightest suggestion of how to do something or even remind him or ask if he did such & such. I was finally beginning to feel like a real mother & now it's back to just taking care of her til he's able to.

     I thought maybe we could talk about it last night and figure out some sort of compromise. I wasn't sure how to bring up the subject so I asked him if he thought I really was too overprotective. He gave me this look like 'are you really asking me that question' and after a few seconds said something like 'you don't know the answer to that?' like it was really stupid of me to think I had to ask such a thing. I said 'never mind' & just went to bed. We didn't say anything else except the usual good night stuff and we didn't talk about it (neither the Cheerios thing or my question) at all today. I don't know if he even noticed that there's still tension between us. I didn't say a word about anything he did with her tonight except to ask what time she fell asleep & did he brush her teeth. He said 'yes' like 'you don't have to check up on me.'

     I know I'd have a tendency to be overprotective of her because it took us so long to get her & she means so much to me. But I thought I'd been doing good. I don't pick her up the first second she starts crying anymore. Sometimes I let her cry herself to sleep for her naps. Even though she's sitting a lot better now she still falls over a lot. I haven't seen her hit anything really hard but I don't run to her & try to comfort her, or even try to catch her to keep her from falling. I just say something like 'you went ka-bump!' til she'll smile. A few times she's hit herself in the face with a toy & will look like she's going to cry & I'll rub it & kiss it & talk about how she ka-bumped herself. I can't think of any other specifics right now cause it's getting late & I'm really tired. She only took 2 - 1 hour naps today & 1 half-hour. Guy's been asleep (on top of the covers) for over an hour now. The late weather is over so I guess I should go to bed. I've decided to try & make a better effort at writing every night.