"I don't know who I was kidding..."

Sun. Sept. 8, 1991

     I don't know who I was kidding, just myself I guess, to think that I could be a mother. I'm so tired all the time. I never get enough sleep. Elizabeth was sleeping about 10 hrs. at night but for the past week she's been sleeping less. Instead of waking up between 8 & 8:30 she woke up between 7 & 7:30 every day last week. She hardly ever takes a good nap. She dozes while she's eating and that's apparently enough for her. I just don't know how much longer I can do this before I get sick or burned out or something. Guy does help out a lot when he gets home but he's been having to work late so much lately and even yesterday morning & this morning. We take turns staying up with her on Sun. afts. Today was my day. I finally go her to sleep a little before 2:00 but she kept waking up. So I finally took her back downstairs. I laid her on her quilt on the floor & by the time I got my soda fixed she'd fallen asleep. She was still asleep when Guy got up at 3:45 & he told me to come on up & take a nap til 5:00. But now I can't sleep.

     I just don't know what I'm going to do. I put an ad on the bulletin board at the building saying we wanted someone to keep her one day or half-day a week and an occasional Sat., but no one ever called me. I took it down after a month. Sometimes I wish I could just run away for awhile but I don't know where I'd go. Guy said it was ok with him if I went to the ladies retreat. It might be nice except I remember how cold it was the last time I went. But maybe it would be just the break I need.

     I thought all the moodiness would go away once my periods started again & my hormones got back in order. It just seems like I go up & down. I guess part of it is the tiredness. I don't feel like I can ask Guy to do any more than he already is because he's under so much stress from work and having to work late so much. But I really do depend on him taking care of her when he gets home & some days I don't know how I manage to make it til he gets home. If only I could get her on a schedule. I tried to spread her bottles out to every three hours. Sometimes it works & sometimes it doesn't. It mostly doesn't work on the weekends cause Guy's more likely to just give her a bottle when she cries than try other things first. I need to figure out how to keep her awake while she eats. We didn't get to see Dr. Karp at her 4 mo. checkup. I asked for Dr. May but they gave us to Dr. Schulwolf, the one Dianna said was rough with the kids.  He wasn't real rough but he wasn't real gentle either. And I felt like he was rushing me when I was asking questions so I hardly asked him anything. I need to know how much I should expect her to sleep at night and during the day and how much and how often she should be eating. There's no problem with her growing. She was 15 lbs. 4 oz. & 25". She feels heavier than that to me. But her arms & legs are so fat. Everyone's always saying how big she is. When strangers ask how old she is they say how big she is. Maybe I'm forcing her to eat too much. I just don't know. The book doesn't say how much or how often & I don't know who to ask.

     Dr. Schulwolf did say we could start adding cereal to her formula & we did a couple of weeks ago.