"Am I really ready for this?"

Tuesday, Feb. 12, 1991 (Part 1)
     Yesterday we saw Dr. Rand and had another ultrasound.  The girl said I'm right at 30 wks.  My due date is April 22, a Monday.  At first she said the baby was breech & I thought 'oh no, I don't want to have to have a c-section.'  I asked if it was too late for it to tun around before delivery & she said 'no, there's plenty of time.'  I had gained 3/4 lb. since last time, not bad considering I'd lost some while I was sick.  I was hoping to at least break even.  Then she was talking about how much the baby was moving & I asked where the head was and she said, 'well, it was down & now it's over here - wait, she just flipped over to the other side.'  So no telling how she'll end up.  Yes, she did say it's a girl, not from looking between the legs but she showed us the vagina.  I asked Guy later if he could tell what she was talking about & he couldn't either.  Maybe when we look at the tape again.  She said the baby's weight was 3 lbs 8 oz.
     I was thinking about what she said about the baby moving around so much.  I asked Guy last night if that would make it more likely for her to get the cord tangled up.  He said I shouldn't start worrying about that & that I'm thinking that things are going too well, & that "something" will go wrong.  He's probably right.  I told him the other night that I didn't want to complain but sometimes I feel like I wish it was over.  But then I also think 'am I really ready for this?'  Our lives will never be the same again.  But if something were to go wrong I know I'd be devastated.  I just seem to have such mixed feelings about it any more.  There's so much to do to get ready for a baby, I don't know if we can have the room ready in 10 wks.  And what if she comes early?  If only Guy could get some time off.  But he's got to save it for when the baby comes.  This evening shift just doesn't give us enough time for much more than the bare necessities.  And sometimes not even that.  So I don't know when he's going to be able to help me get the nursery ready.  
     I called Mercedes Hitchcock last night.  She wasn't at church Sun. & I knew she was having an ultrasound yesterday too.  Guy said Glen had said he made her stay home cause she was really tired.  Well, that's not the whole story.  She's been ordered to stay on complete bed rest.  Friday she lost all her amniotic fluid.  Her cervix is still closed & the babes still alive but there's no guarantee.  She said that she's still producing amniotic fluid & has to wait & see if it builds back up or continues losing it.  Dr. Berenger told her that somehow her membrane ruptured & that sometimes they can heal themselves & sometimes they don't.  I asked if he gave her any kind of time frame that it should heal up & she said no.  She's supposed to go back next Mon. unless something else happens between now & then.  She didn't sound too optimistic - I think she's resigned to the fact that she'll lose this one too.  I really didn't know what to say.  I asked if I could bring her something to read & she said she's got magazines piled up that she can read.  She said Glenn's taking good care of her.  I said I'd call later this week to check on her.  I meant to call Dianna at the office today to ask her to be sure & call me if anything happens cause I don't think Glenn would call us.  I don't know what to do if she loses it.  I'd want to go see her but she might not want to see me.  I know when I had the miscarriage I didn't want to see any pregnant women, especially the ones I know.  It just wouldn't be fair for her to lose this one.  She's already lost two.  Hopefully she would be willing to try going to Empty Arms.  But I truly hope it doesn't come to that.